This afternoon while I was washing the dishes, my significant other came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. Then his arms moved upward, and before I knew it, his finger was lightly rubbing my nipple, (on purpose). And I felt really violated, to the point of still cringing several hours later when I think about it. I want to ball myself up, build a wall around me and scrub myself clean.
I feel this way when I’m not turned on, and he tries to touch me sexually. I believe this is his attempt at turning me on/initiating sex, but I’ve explained a number of times that if I’m not already in a sexual head space, any erotic physical touch will just feel gross to me, and he needs to work on establishing emotional and mental intimacy before getting to that point. He just… forgets, I guess?
He’s otherwise a really loving, and supportive partner. I told him how he made me feel this evening, and he apologized and acknowledged that be shouldn’t be doing this, (however, this is probably the 2nd time I’m receiving an apology for this specific issue).
I don’t know if I’m over-reacting, and I haven’t suffered major sexual trauma that I’m aware of. I have been sexually assaulted in the past, (i.e.., being randomly grabbed by disgusting, predatory men).
Does anyone else feel this way? And how do you handle it?
EDIT (A commenter suggested I add this piiece for further context):
We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 5. We have a 3 year-old.
The thing is, he really is a wonderful partner in most aspects. He’s also human, (as am I… obviously).
It’s not that I don’t want physical connection, I love hugs and kisses! I was happy when he embraced me this evening, but as soon as he went for my breast, i shut down.
When we’re both in the mood, sex is great! And I feel that to some degree, he understands how to turn me on because when we take the time to lovingly connect, it usually leads to sex. OR sometimes, when it’s obvious we’re both on the same page and in the mood, we go at it.
Before being a mom, I was a real horndog and had a high libido, and for the most part, it didn’t take much for me to get in the mood. But… I’m fucking exhausted all the time now, and don’t want my boobs touched when I’m doing chores after work, while my kid’s running around.
In addition, he works night shifts for half the month, and that’s when we are most disconnected and when arguments are likely to occur, because we haven’t had any time to spend with one another. In this specific instance, I just ended work, was doing dishes, cooking dinner, looking after our child all at once. He just woke up, said hello, went for a hug from behind, then touched my nipple, and I felt gross and used.
EDIT: I really appreciate the super thoughtful, empathetic responses from some commenters, and validation that I did experience sexual trauma. I think I’m minimizing it because there are people who have experienced far worse, and what I experienced seems much less severe and much more common among women.
Definitely going to work on getting professional help to work on my own issues, and suggest couples counselling with my hubby.
18 comments
Couples therapy for the both of you. Truth is, you *did* suffer sexual trauma as a result of being groped by those other men.
Until the two of you can work this out somehow, he needs to ask explicit permission before touching you in a sexual manner, or work out some kind of signal system.
If he can’t understand and accept this, he’s not the right guy for you.
If he keeps breaking your boundaries then you will have to reassess the relationship. He need to broach the topic to you about when it is ok to be touched like that. It’s your body and you have a right to feel how you feel about what you feel about. Sadly, men can find it hard to understanding a woman who had been assaulted and is trying to separate that unwanted experience from a wanted experience, and you found your boundary for it and that it being in the frame of mind of wanting sex, specify, and nod being touch unexpectedly in such a way.
Response to reply but mainly to OP:
You’re right, the OP didn’t say that her partner wanted sex, she mentioned that her partner (in not so many words) “felt her up”. Of course, her partner feels comfortable enough to do what they did (seeming typical behavior of a relationship) but OP has mention that she did tell them that she doesn’t like being touch like that when it is unexpected.
Would the best solution be clear communication and conversations that are open about these issues, yes. Is the long term solution to heal from trauma, yes. (I’ve never be sexual assaulted) Healing from an event that greatly effects the way you live your life isn’t an overnight journey but one that takes time. That kinda healing also is helped by that of another (ie her partner hearing her and helping in their own way. Like seeing what’s a loving touch and what a touch that verges on cringe.) Look, trauma isn’t just unpacked on partner in one go.
So OP, to address you direct, if you feel save with your partner then takes steps that will help you to over come unexpected touching.
(I once had a girlfriend whom I touched like that while we were in bed and then went to the restroom to pee. Later she accused me of masturbating after to touched her in that way.) We never had a talk about touch and as a guy I was trying to spark of foreplay that may lead to sex stuff, that was my intention. Idk if that was your partner’s intent but relationship are messy things with no instructions on how to interact with another person. Our queue coming from our own experiences and movies and the we imitate them. Is what he did normal in a relationship and why do you believe that, and does that need to be redefined. These are questions people need to ask in any relationship. I hope you find a way moving forward. I don’t wish to misguide you but am simply saying have your partner a part of your healing journey or ask him to be a part of it. Vulnerability sucks and living inside of a protective barrier can also be self imprisonment, don’t make steps that you’re not ready for but one foot forward is still an intent to move forward. Be safe in your journey but find healing as well. Self healing can only get so far, and what will complete it is is sometimes the hands of another.
As someone from the opposite side of the spectrum, who loves intimacy and hugs literally everyone and needs that *physical connection,* what I can tell you is that he will be frustrated in the long run and so will you.
He loves you and he can’t resist. How long have you two been together? That plays into it too. If it’s been a few months it might be a sexual incompatibility and thats almost always a relationship killer.
How is he supposed to know you’re in a sexual headspace in your current situation? Do you provide any indicators?
If my girl was felt the same way as you, I would hope she would tell me so that I can walk away from the relationship. Touching each other is a part of intimacy and if my touch violates you whether you expect it of not would offend me to no end. We supposed to love each other but my touch makes you cringe? Then that means I am not the guy you want touching you. Bye bye
Your husband touched you and you feel violated and cringed thinking about it, you need professional help and soon before he leaves for good
How would it have felt with him embracing you from behind just minus the nipple rubbing?
You are not over reacting.
It’s one thing to hug and kiss, and completely the other to rub nipples. Yeah people expect casual touching in relationships, sure. But touching genitals or other erogenous zones, straight up, no warming, that can feel like an assault. Especially to touched-out new moms. Everyone can set the limits to their own relationship, which touch is or is not allowed. He is not respecting your boundaries. Being in a relationship or married does not give him the permission to over step, and your boundary is that no sexual touching without certain other elements. I think you said it really well, establishing emotional and mental intimacy. He does not *forget*, he chooses to ignore it – it’s not that hard to remember to not touch nipples, butt or between legs. If he told you he doesn’t want certain touch, would you keep touching like that?
There already is some comments from men, on how he just can’t resist and other excusing, but please don’t listen to them. Your boundaries are completely valid and sane and he is the one who is in the wrong. I would definitely be put off by that kind of straight attack on breasts too.
As a man in a relationship with just similar issues (unwanted touch and frustrated man) i would recommend talking less about boundaries and more about your feelings and how to get more intense physical connection during the day.
I understand that you had traumatic experiences and a child and this all affects your sensibilities and boundaries. Sometimes these touches can be more of groping kind and he would need to learn to approach you better. And trying to resolve your own issues with trauma and maybe times touching him during the day can make him feel not pushed away.
If you can let us know on how you have decided to approach the issue and what helped could help others.
Good luck!
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I don’t think he can be blamed here. It was a personal issue with yourself. I’m sorry that you felt violated, because no woman should ever feel that way, but at the same time, he had no idea what was going on in your head. I feel like he was just trying to be spontaneous and if you say that you enjoyed each other before the incident, he felt like he had the green light. I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose. It sounds like he just wanted to spice things up. But now he has to realize spontaneous acts aren’t going to get you going. This can be worked through. You two just have to be perfectly clear of sexual boundaries from here on out. Communication is vital. You both sound terribly stressed so talking would be the best thing for you two.
Personally if my wife reacted like this when I was showing her affection and making a pass at her, it would hurt. I feel like your boundaries do not match societal norms and I would struggle with those boundaries in a relationship.
On the other hand, your guy does know and agree to your boundaries. I think some couples counseling could help.
God I’m old 🤦♂️
All I can add here is when I come home from work and see my beautiful so standing sorting something in the kitchen, I see this wonderful wife who I decided to share my feelings and vulnerability with for the rest of my life, I see a woman who has given birth to our kids and how she has been there with me in good and bad times, I love how she smells, how she feels, how she moves and her curves I love and I thank God every day for being able to put my arms around her and tell her how much I appreciate her and yes I’m always horny for her too…….
Maybe I’ll get down voted for this, but I feel like you are 100% overreacting. You have every right to tell him to stop when he does it, but is he supposed to just wait for you to initiate every time? Because that sounds like a terrible sex life. He just loves you, and wants to show it.
I think people suggesting that he assaulted you and that you guys need counseling are ACTUALLY off their rockers. I think you should probably just contemplate why you don’t like being touched by him and make a decision from there. You don’t need a therapist or counselor to do that though.
I know there are times in her cycle that my partner doesn’t like to be touched, could be that. And if it isn’t, and it has been long term, was it always this way? What changed if not? Was it after you had your kid?
I’d start with those questions, and will gladly talk through it if you want more of my perspective.
Some people in these comments are projecting their own insecurities so hard that it’s cringy🤦🏻♀️
Aight, since op is getting dragged in the comments:
For a lot of women, getting grabbed by the nipple out of the blue *does not feel good*. Like, it’s a area with a lot of nerves and is sensitive to pain, as well as being an erogenous zone. If you’re not expecting touch there at the time, having your so go for it can be sincerely unpleasant. This is also a legit issue with a lot of women, especially with breastfeeding, getting prolonged contact there can legit cause distress (do a Google search for sad nipple syndrome).
Foreplay is really, really useful not only for penetrative sex, but also to get women into the mood to enjoy other elements. A lot of women will similarly not appreciate having a partner go straight for the clit too.
If what you’re doing is making your gf cringe and shrink away, maybe you should be getting less in your feelings over “she’s rejecting me, she’s not into me” and maybe figure out what sort of sexy contact she *actually likes* versus treating her like a piece of meat.
How does initiation usually work out for you guys?