Both me (24F) and my boyfriend (27M) (together ~3.5yrs) are going through a lot of different and separate sh*t rn. I’m making things harder for him by being upset (suffering from depression). I really want to be there for him and support him but I can’t and that’s upsetting me more. I also really want and need him to be there for me but I think it’s too hard for him at the moment. It’s upsetting him to see me so depressed but it’s upsetting me that I’m upsetting him. I think it might be best for us to have a little break and try to sort some of our stuff out separately but we live together and I don’t have anywhere else to go. This is also upsetting me more. Maybe we should work some stuff out together but neither of us are good at communicating big things especially feelings (I know, not a good sign). What do I do?
Tl;dr- should I break up with my boyfriend because I’m too depressed to support him and the stuff he’s going through rn?
4 comments
Maybe. If you’re emotionally and financially dependent on your BF and unable to reciprocate that’s a real problem. If your depression has been an ongoing long-term issue that has required a lot from your partner that is tough on a relationship. If he now needs your support and you can’t provide it that’s not good at all. If he’s legitimately the only person giving in this relationship then ending things would be a kindness. One way relationships aren’t good for either person.
‘Sometimes’ times like these are when you guys end up needing each other the most. It depends how you view relationships, but one benefit of a good relationship is that you’re not actually alone if you’re depressed. I know with depression it can feel like you’re all alone, but if you’re with someone who truly cares then this situation could potentially just make your guys relationship even stronger once you get through this together. But if there’s an underlying problem in the relationship that’s not being communicated this can make for a disaster.
I’m not financially dependent on him, we both pay rent and while he probably has people he can stay with I don’t but it’s also his parents flat so I feel like it’s not my place to ask him to leave for a bit. I could leave and rent another flat but that would of course take time. Emotionally I can’t deny I am dependent on him at the moment, though I haven’t been until recently. I have suffered for a long time but I have only recently shared the fact I have depression with him and while I’m sure he had his suspicions before I don’t think he really knew the extent. But I agree that it’s not good that i can’t give him the support he needs right now and perhaps our relationship has been a bit one sided.
Side note: I also find it hard to support him as he doesn’t communicate his feelings.
In my experience it’s a really bad sign and a red flag if your being depressed makes him upset (in any way other than being upset a loved one is suffering). It sounds like he is making you feel guilty for feeling something negative. And he doesn’t sound empathetic at all.