My ex and I were in a relationship for 3+ years and he broke up with me.
Even at the very beginning of our past relationship, I remember he told me that he had very difficulty just to be in
a romantic relationship /
because he truly believes one day everyone needs to be alone, so he told himself not to be dependent to anyone
It has been 9 months after we broke up, and we started talking and now we started meeting each other again
He said he still loves me and
he can’t move on to others,
He said if he is honest to himself and faces to his real feelings, he knows that he wants to be with me. He said he can’t hide his feelings
But he said that he has a fear of commitment and he is so afraid that we will break up again
He went to therapy for the first time
after we broke up, and he realized he has mental issues based on his child traumas
-his both parents left him when he was very young and his mom came back to him after 10+ years, –
He said he has avoidant(?) attachment and fear of abandonment /commitment
He said he wants to be with me and
but he really doesn’t know how to do that in a right way and how to approach to it,
but he said he is working on it and he said he hopes that he sees progress
He says he wants to change himself towards to be in a relationship.
He asks me to meet him nowadays,
like once a week (but we actually meet like once or twice per a month tho)
When we meet nowadays ,
We don’t sleep together,
but we eat dinner together and talk to each other for a very long time, and give some hugs
Do you think my ex just manipulates me?
or he actually wants to take a step toward to our relationship again?
Be blunt and just tell me what you guys think
I cant think logically about this (bc I still like him and I believes him)
I can’t tell I am naive and dumb or not.
4 comments
The answer should be clear to you.
If you love him, start doing individual and couples therapy as well and be a team on the issues. Everyone has them. Identify what a relationship looks like and see if you guys can get there.
If you can’t get there, or you don’t love or trust him enough to invest years into fixing where it may not work out, then do both of you a favor and separate. Find someone who is compatible.
Either way, you already know what you want to do.
You’re not dumb, and it’s possible that he simply isn’t genuinely interested, but regardless, I don’t think you should be in this relationship. Why? Because you need to prioritize your happiness, sense of certainty and security, and mental health. Love makes you feel certain and secure in a relationship, as opposed to limerence that makes you always feel uncertain and unsure of whether he genuinely loves you. Love releases calming hormones, while limerence releases adrenaline.
Life is too short to wait around for someone. Find someone who is ready, someone who will make it known and certain that he loves you through his consistent actions and not just his words.
The difference between Limerence and Love: https://hastyreader.com/limerence-passionate-love/
Okay i’m ngl the answer is literally in your face, like you broke down why he has a fear of commitment, where it comes from, and what is he attempting to do about it. if it was an excuse he wouldn’t have gone to therapy or even tried to do better, he’d just tell you he fears commitment and string you along.
so to answer your question no, it doesn’t look like an excuse and it kinda feels iffy that you would think that, especially when you know so much.
>Be blunt and just tell me what you guys think I cant think logically about this (bc I still like him and I believes him) I can’t tell I am naive and dumb or not.
One thing you need to learn in life is that sometimes it may feel right, but it is not right for you. It’s hard to let each other go because you both did share a lot of life experience together, but you have to be realistic here. You both broke up for a reason, and the reason was you guys arent right for each other.