So I live with my partner (m39), my daughter (f18) and my partners best mate (m36). We have been together a year and half and things have always been pretty good. His mate and I don’t see eye to eye. He has never liked me since he moved in. He is lazy, is leeching off my partner and taking advantage. I have spoken to my partner plenty of times about this but he says it’s his mate and he needs to help him. My partner and I both work full time and neither of the other two work. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry everything for the 4 of us. I will cook a massive roast dinner, they will all sit and eat it but I’m left with all the dishes and cleaning up. I’ve tried leaving it but after about two days my OCD kicks in and I clean it. I’m exhausted. Countless times I’ve asked for help and got none. My partner doesn’t like confrontation so he just makes a joke about it and nothing else. The last 6 months it’s got worse and I feel very unsupported by my partner and even to the point he will side with them. My daughter is very clingy. Anxiety. I have to beg for time for my partner and I to have alone cause she is always with us. If we go out for dinner she is there. What I have found recently though is that the two of them have been going out without me and just going and doing stuff for hours. There is nothing romantic/sexual, but for instance I will ask her to go to the shops and get something, he will offer to drive or go with her and they will get whatever, visit friends, go for a drive, stop at the pub for a drink and come home 2 hours later. All the while I’ve been at home cleaning or cooking or just sitting around. I’ve asked time and time again that it stops but they just say they never plan it it just happens. My daughter and I were close and have been through a lot together. She knows how much this hurts me yet continues to do it.
So last night they were out, 3 hours later come home with his mate. When I said I didn’t realise he was gone they said they passed him a few blocks away walking, this is normal. Well I come to find out that they left, an hour later he snuck out and they picked him up around the corner and they all went to a local club for a few drinks. I read the messages between the mate and my daughter. She is going on about him sneaking out to come hang with them, that I’ve been a bitch and just to forget about me, that I’m boring and all I care about is the house is clean. He responded with yeah I agree and we don’t like each other anyway etc. My partner was in on this, he was there and then lied to me about what happened when they got home. I feel so betrayed and like I’m the laughing stock. I found out also this is not the first time this has happened. Do I leave? Do I speak to my partner and give him an ultimatum them or me? I just don’t know!
41 comments
Just leave. They don’t deserve a second chance. They don’t respect you. You are not their maid. You deserve better.
That’s a miserable situation. Cooking, cleaning, for your family shouldn’t fall solely on you… but doing it all on your own PLUS your partners friend? That’s insane. You definitely need to talk to him, and if nothing changes remove yourself from the situation and let them fend for themselves. You should not feel the way you do. They are taking advantage for sure especially the unemployed friend.
Which, he shouldn’t even be there if he isn’t providing as well
What’s going on with the dynamics? I’m trying to understand why you seem so powerless. Are you living in your partners house? Why don’t you get to have a say in who lives there? Why do your partner and daughter ignore your requests for help? Why are you cooking and cleaning for them?
Start just cooking for yourself, don’t say anything to them. Just go on strike. Don’t shop, cook or clean for them anymore. They’re all behaving like teenagers. Quite honestly I’d be looking for a new one bedroom place to rent and leaving all three of them to live in their own filth.
So a small update. I woke my partner to talk which he was all for. I asked him if he loved me and wanted a future with me which he said he did. I said well I know some things and said about the sneaking and lying last night which he said happened. And I said well for our future things need to change. He said ok, like what. I said your mate needs to go. I don’t want him living with us. He told me to stop and rolled over to try and go back to sleep. I said I was calm
And wanted to discuss and he said again to stop. So I’m currently packing my car and will be leaving within the hour.
I think it’s time to leave. You have three dependents instead of one. Not a single one of them appreciate what you do for them.
Wow I would be so hurt reading those messages. The effort they went through to go out without you, and then to lie. And the fact that everyone is just okay with lying to you? I respect your decision to leave cause I would’ve left all of them.
Leave!
This is absolutely disgusting behavior. I don’t know how much you love your partner and daughter, but they certainly don’t treat you like they have even the slightest ounce of compassion for you, let alone love.
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The fact they talk so candidly about you through messages, him taking his mates side all the time, you cleaning up after him… after them, and your daughter; I’d be out. Your daughter’s an adult (and I say that figuratively of course, because all 3 of them seem like petulant children), but you’re no longer responsible for her (and you certainly aren’t responsible for them). So, unless you want to be regulated to free housemaid (or slave), I’d slowly start putting money aside to move out on your own and get away from these people. I couldn’t even begin to fathom my partner treating me like subhuman, which is how it sounds like you’re being treated by them.
Girl leave, you don’t deserve to be treated like that, they’re all adults they can handle themselves
First stop cleaning, laundering, and cooking after them. They are grown so time to stop mothering them. Yes, get your own place or live somewhere where you don’t have to clean behind people. They are in party mode and you are in adult mode. No need to date someone that wants to hang out and act like your 18 year old daughter.
The four of you are extremely co-dependent
Stop cooking, cleaning and laundry!
All 4 of you are adults!!
Daughter and BF going out together is just strange!!
I would leave.
UpdateMe!
Ok update!! The mate is currently in the process of moving to his mothers! Apparently partner had a chat after I left and they decided it’s best he go! Partner and I are messaging and hoping to meet up in the next hour. Daughter has been asleep so yet to decide there but waiting to discuss with partner!
Your partner doesn’t respect you. Your daughter is old enough to know better. Stop
Conking for them. And wtf are you doing anyone’s laundry but your own??!!
Leave. Your daughter may want to stay, let her. She will come round and Shan she doesn’t tell her she pulls her weight (cleaning, cooking, working/school) or she is not welcome. Tough Love is so hard but you want her to be able to take care of herself
Updateme!
This seems pretty over-the top and fake, but for the love of all that is good, duh-itch this creep that has no boundaries or appreciation for you.
Wouldn’t surprise me if daughter is after your bf. Please update us. Stay safe. Proud of you. Make sure your daughter knows you read her post calling you a bitch.
I just read your update. your bf seems to want you back.‘I don’t know if you are still tempted since they betrayed you but if you go put up what you want from now on.‘Stop the cleaning etc… by yourself and make everyone participate. You’re not their maid any more.
and have a talk with the little brat. (sorry I know she’s your daughter but she’s acting like one).she has to find a job or go to school and let her clean the house. She’s not working. You’ve been too lenient with her and now she abuses your kindness.
Make sure nothing is going on between your bf and her
OP, listen up. First your daughter. She is not clingy. She doesn’t have anxiety. She’s interfering in your relationship and is happily throwing you under the bus in the process. Realize that first.
Now, your bf. He’s allowing all the shit you hate to go on. He could help around the house. He could make sure that his mate helps around the house. He even has enough influence over your daughter (ahem) to get her to help around the house. He does not because he cares not. He’s perfectly happy contributing to your misery.
As for the friend, the minute he disrespected you he should have been gone. He wasn’t the biggest of your problems to begin with though. He’s leaving now so that’s that.
OP, I hope you won’t try and salvage this relationship with your bf. Either with your daughter or on his own, a decision was made that put you in the caretaker role. That’s not a foundation you can build on
Get them men away from you and your daughter ASAP . No real men in they right mind will ever do such a thing . They living like kids . Shit is not cool at alll. Your daughter is young, confused on her role and naive at this time as well. However I am rooting for you that you will make the right decisions and choices on this matter .!!!
So for all those saying get the males aware from your daughter. Majority of them have wives and either look at her like a daughter or little sister. I have actually had a child raped and trust me I am very strict and mindful about who is around my children. Also this daughter having witnessed what we went through with her twin is also very aware and by no means naive. On a rare occasion I have gone and picked her up from somewhere or someone has come here who she has had an off feeling or made an inappropriate comment to her and she has straight up spoken to myself or my partner and they have never been back. She is very aware.
The house mate is moving this afternoon/tomorrow. He is one big problem gone. My partner and I have spoken at length this morning about my daughter and what has gone on. I understand what he was saying, her real father is narcissistic and been in and out if her life, we was trying to be a father, spending time with her, taking interest etc. he hadn’t stopped to think about how myself or others may see it. He has apologised. Oh and not sure if I write it incorrectly they did not encourage her to sneak out and lie to me, she is 18 and free to come and go. She was already out with my partner, she encouraged the housemate to sneak out and join them so they ‘didn’t have to put up with me’ she doesn’t drink but they have a couple of beers, a play on the pokies or bet on the horses. She actually works in bars and just started a new job at a local pub. My partner and I work long hours and he is shift work. My work has been at home due to COVID so I have had the luxury of extra time to do things. I’m staying at my friends for now but he has asked if he could come back later and pick me up and take me out to dinner. I don’t remember the last time we did this and he said it would give us more of an opportunity to talk. Let’s see how the afternoon goes!
Ditch all of them, including your daughter. They sound like lazy, pathetic slobs and will likely be begging you to come back and take care of them. Don’t do it, though. You need to give them the space from you they apparently crave, and you need some time to start living for yourself! Put yourself first for once!
Best of luck!
UpdateMe!
STOP.
COOKING.
THEM DINNER.
STOP DOING THEIR DISHES.
Make sure you take with you: birth certificate, passport, auto registration, cell phone charger, and all prescription medications, all your jewelry and valuables and your checkbook
Your first stop should be an ATM Machine. Any credit cards you have in his name or joint names are about to be shut down so this may be your only chance. Do not leave a note. When you are out and in a safe place you can send a text, but remember your phone could get shut down if you are on his plan
I seriously could not make head nor tailmof this rant. Paragraphs are your friend.
So how long are you going to keep letting them take advantage of you you’ve been cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and you have a full-time job are you freaking kidding me they do that because you let them get away with it
You slowly start taking your stuff out after you secure a place. Make a huge meal while they are out and use every dish, pot, and pan. Then leave, but take the food with you, as well as every light bulb and toilet paper roll. I’m petty so I would also hide a food item in their room so it rots. You are better off alone, once your parter has to maintain 3 mouths by himself he might change his tune. Cut off your daughter, she is clingy when it’s convenient for her.
Leave and don’t bring your daughter.
I’m going to say this, and you can take it or leave it. First off, the very FIRST thing that came to mind when I read about your daughter not giving you and your partner time alone, was that she has developed a crush herself on him. That feeling deepened even further when I read about her disrespecting you, yet having her own time with him. He may or may not realize it, but I would suspect he does, as that’s not something men generally miss. She could also have been groomed. Yes I’ve read your updates and regardless of what she has personally been through or her twin, grooming is generally done by a very skilled manipulative person. Most people, especially children, but also adults who have been groomed, don’t even realize it’s happening. People around them don’t always see it, especially those closest to them.
I say all that while also agreeing I could possibly be wrong: possibly. But you see, I was groomed as a child and the things you said initially, and in your updates, made my skin crawl there are so many red flags. I could say more, but quite a few have already said their piece about this subject and it’s something you should not immediately close your mind to.
Still giving them a second chance would be mad stupid . You exactly know what’s going on , and you know exactly what will happen when you give them a second chance . This never stops . So better leave .
I don’t really get it…why do you have to cock , clean and wash all they long ? Start to go to the pup and to the gym.Get out with a few friends and make sure that they are not invited . What happens if you get out right after they have left to go to the pub ?
I would be concerned about your daughter and bf sneaking around behind your back and going out drinking together, I hate to say it but that does not seem right at all.
You’ve become their housekeeper and none of them respect you. They are just using you. Time to leave.
>Do I leave? Do I speak to my partner and give him an ultimatum them or me?
There’s no need for an ultimatum…he’s already chosen them. Leave.
They’ll miss you when you’re gone.
Partner when he has to pay for everything, daughter when she has to get a job and roommate when the other two are tired of his leeching.
All of them when the house gets so disgusting.
Also, don’t let your daughter move in with you again. She will only repeat her current behavior and you’ll be mentally back in this spot.
Besides the fact that either directly or indirectly you are supporting this leech, your BF is a spineless twit!
You are being disrespected in so many ways it isn’t funny. And it seems your partner is also a looser…..even your daughter if she is going along with this!
Time to leave!
Take pictures of the texts and save them somewhere safe. If you can find any other similar conversations, save them, too. Then get your ducks lined up–contact a divorce lawyer, get an apartment or arrange to move in with friends/family, set a move date, you know the drill. Then leave.
Also, when you say that “the two of them” are going out and having fun, do you mean your partner and daughter, or the best friend and your daughter? Because if it’s the best friend who is spending hours and hours out of the house with your daughter, he could be grooming her, even if nothing sexual has happened…*yet*.
Are you sure there is nothing going on? Im pretty sure something going on keep your eyes open. Buy some cameras and place around your house. I really hope its nothing but it really sounds like something
At this point the only solution is to move out and let the 3 of them wallow in their filth.
Updateme!