My wife and I have been together for 8 1/2 years and have four kids together. Overall we have a great relationship and share regular physical intimacy (during which she enjoys kissing). Up until recently, we have always kissed hello and goodbye since we dated and then married. She recently confessed that she was just going through the motions of this act but it doesn’t mean much to her and she wants to stop. To me, it’s a form of greeting. I look forward to kissing her hello after a long day or to wish her a good one when i leave in the morning. She says I should respect what she wants because she is allowed to change her mind as a relationship evolves. I feel like something is missing and when o expressed that to her she said she can continue going through the motions if I really want her to but that it won’t be genuine. As much as I want it, I don’t want it in that way and even though I understand her free will, a part of me has resentment that I can’t seem to shake as much as I want to. When I come home at night now, I awkwardly say hi to her and don’t really know how to act. The natural me is one that expresses affection, both sexual and non sexual. It also has me not wanting to kiss her in a sexual way bc I feel like she is dictating when and what. Rationally, I know I need to respect her wishes and let it all be but I am struggling. Thoughts, advice, similar situation?
29 comments
She’s cheating on you, good luck. Withdrawal of affection is a sign of loss of physical attraction, or guilt from being physical with someone else
i hate to say it
but she’s either in the process of leaving you/divorcing you and/or is cheating on you
or she is depressed
She’s kissing someone, or thinking about it, and the someone isn’t you.
Can you ask her to share some ways with you that could still create that sense of intimacy? Would she not like a long hug either? Hand squeezes that say I love you? Does she still snuggle on the couch or bed with you? If she doesn’t want you to touch her at all, in any romantic way unless it’s during sex, she appears to be withdrawing from an outsiders perspective. If she’s actively participating in other forms of romantic contact I would take it less harshly. Though I’d be hurt as well.
Question. Are they quick pecks or tongue involved? She may be tired of so much tongue.
If she’s not withdrawing from your imitate relationship I’d say she just doesn’t want to stop what she is doing to kiss you. After four kids I can understand she is always busy.
I don’t put much into kissing my SO goodbye and hello either and I have no intention of cheating on him.
Don’t listen to the other replies who assume she’s cheating, blah blah blah.
The simple fact of the matter, is that she lost that loving feeling with you, and therefore lost her desire to kiss you. You need to determine why. After all, there was a reason she wanted to kiss you before.
Have you become complacent and just accepted she’d always be there through thick and thin no matter what? Have you determined that making her feel special is no longer a requirement?
Perhaps it would behoove you to recognize that you have to treat her just as special now, as you did when you were initially courting. Don’t let complacency degrade the experience. Bring back that courting ritual, and don’t just manufacure it, actually LIVE it. Be there, be present, and actually DESIRE it.
I’d written something entirely different but then started thinking back on a past relationship and had a bit of an epiphany.
In the latter stages of a previous relationship (not that I knew they were latter stages at the time) things that had been commonplace shows of affection became taboo – my then partner claimed they made them feel awkward or embarrassed.
It was ultimately because they’d lost feelings and had done for a while.
This isn’t to say your Wife has lost feelings but given it fits the same pattern (albeit it’s still early days) it is something I would be mindful of and vigilant for other tells or better yet straight out raise with your Wife as a concern.
Speaking from my personal experience, my husband stopped the hello/goodbye kisses shortly before confessing to an affair and ending our marriage.
Your situation doesn’t necessarily involve her cheating, but she may be struggling with things that she doesn’t know how to communicate to you. I strongly suggest marriage counseling, or at least IC counseling for her.
How’s your dental hygiene? I wouldn’t immediately jump to affair but I would be concerned about bad breath at the very least…
Maybe settle for a hug instead?
There is a problem here, but not necessarily infidelity. That could be the case, but it’s not a given. What is more likely, in view of what OP has detailed, is that it is the beginning of the waning of the relationship. There may very well have been other things even before this that OP has missed or thought not to be part of the pattern. It needn’t necessarily lead to divorce either, but it can, if the process is not checked. OP, you must try to find the root cause for this lack of interest on her part and you must be particularly vigilant at further signs of a loss of interest in you or in your marriage on her part.
A lot of people jumping to conclusions…
​
It COULD be cheating, but it also be a million other things. Bad hygiene, depression, stress, falling out of love, that she never liked it in the first place and she’s being honest with herself for the first time in a long time, etc etc. You will better know the context here than anyone since everyone here is just using their own personal experiences to fill in the gap.
​
​
You can talk to her again and get some insight, but outside of that you will just have to be tuned in and see if there’s perhaps signs you’ve been missing that will conclude one of the many factors it can be.
“Overall we have a great relationship and share regular physical intimacy (during which she enjoys kissing).”
Count your blessings!
For a lot of couples it’s the other way around. Lots of dry kiss greetings and no physical intimacy.
“***Love what you have before life teaches you to love what you lost.”*** – Unknown
***”Happiness isn’t getting what you want, it’s wanting what you got.”*** – Garth Brooks
Best wishes!
If she ain’t getting it from you she’s getting it from someone else.
Something is up. Either she’s lost feelings, or she’s cheating, or just *something*. This is such a weird change of behavior. Something is up, and it’s probably something you won’t like. Suggest marriage counseling.
I’m gonna share a different perspective. I’m in an 3+ year relationship with my partner. And while I love him, I’ve learned I’m not all interested in kissing, period. I’ll still do it cause he loves it and it makes him happy, but having a partner that allows you the freedom and space to actually figure what you like allowed to me to come to this conclusion. Now I’m not certain your wife is like me, but it might be something you should consider.
It makes sense you’re struggling. Your wife had as long as she needed to mull this over, work on her courage to tell you about it, and to have her boundaries firmly in place about it. You have to come up to speed in a much shorter period of time and it’s jarring. I don’t know how well you two usually communicate, but you got left out of a conversation she was having with herself. Not necessarily anything wrong with that but you probably need more time to adjust and there’s nothing wrong with that either.
I’m impressed with how attentive OP has been to so many responses here. Full respect for you to read and respond to people’s takes.
To me it’s simple, relationships are about you enjoying caring for your partner. Why would you be with someone if you didn’t enjoy their happiness. She may not like kissing you hello or goodbye, but how does she not get enjoyment from you enjoying it. That’s a very intimate action, more than sex. Not seeing your spouse all day and then wanting to engage with them, even briefly is very emotional. Look at what it’s done to you, you have no asked strangers on Reddit what to do.
Anyway, she needs to dig deep. It’s possible she never liked it, or it’s possible she is retrofitting feelings due to something else (and that something else doesn’t have to be physical). This is a huge sign someone is checking out and you have two real options. You can ignore it and do what she says, you can fight for it, and get therapy. If she is like, I don’t want to do therapy, so I’ll just kiss you to make you happy, figure out if that is a good answer for you.
Here’s great relationship advice for people or all ages. If your significant other stops any type of romanic actions she used to do with you. Chances are she never stopped but is doing it for someone else.
When a woman suddenly withdraws affection, 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Cheating maybe….something very serious definitely. OP dont let this slide, get to the bottom and save your marriage if you can
Maybe she really doesn’t want to do it “just because” and with 4 kids, she might be overwhelmed as to how much she is touched during the day already “just because.” Touching overload happens for many moms, and I cannot even imagine with 4 kids.
I see a lot of comments about cheating or loss of interest in the relationship.
What I don’t see is comments about how as we grow older, we no longer have the same desires or wants. I saw you guys are both in your early 40s with 4 kids. Is it possible your wife is starting pre-menopause? Is she suffering from depression? Is there anything else going on in your life that would add stressors or conflict?
You’re within your right to feel the way you do. After so long of having something be there norm, and enjoying it, and it being one of the main ways you communicate your love and affection, having that taken away can be jarring and cause doubt. I commend you for wanting to also respect her wishes. It goes to show your love for her. Is there another way you can express affection without the kissing, that would mean something to her? What are the ways she expresses her love/affection? What is her love language? It could be worth exploring what could work for both of you that would still respect each of your boundaries.
Also, have you guys thought about couples counseling? It’s not just for relationships in dire straights and one step away from divorce. It’s a very healthy tool in continuing to maintain a strong, loving relationship together.
My fiancé slowly became cold and distant like this after he asked me to marry him after 12 years together . We are going to go to counseling – but in my mind it’s already over. He stopped being flirtatious , stopped hugging me , kissing me , complimenting me, etc. He loves me like family and a friend , but not in that way. Not in a way I need to not feel super lonely and alienated .
Anyway I would just try to be open with her and see why she’s being cold. And listen to your gut. Also, sometimes relationships do go through phases of distance physically and otherwise, and it doesn’t automatically mean the end is near. You have to assess the relationship as a whole. Sorry this is happening to you and best of luck.
Can you compromise with a hug?
Not gonna jump to conclusions and say she’s cheating on you, but it is for sure a bad sign when regular patterns involving affection/intimacy change, especially out of nowhere and without any clear cause. You need need to sit down with her and have a serious conversation about the state of things between you two. Good luck –
I’ve been married 17 years, and there’s a point where I just felt burnt out. The motions felt just like your wife said, meaningless, repetitive, un-special.
I can see how she might want kisses to be more heartfelt. Hopefully after a break from the routine, you will develop a new one, or she might miss the kisses and want them back.
Idk, l can’t imagine not to kiss my partner…
I only don’t want to kiss people l don’t like. OP, there might be a lot to investigate here…
She doesn’t want to cheat on her other boyfriend
I noticed that when my husband stopped kissing me, were the times when he was seeing other women. Guilty conscience. I would be suspicious.