I’ve been in a FWB situation for the last few months. We met right before I moved several states away for a job opportunity. Regardless of the distance, we make an effort to talk on the phone every night and text throughout the day. Since moving, we’ve spent two extended weekends together. We’ve met each others families and gotten to see a little slice of one another’s lives.
She is currently going through some difficult times mentally and I’ve been doing my best to be a shoulder that she can lean on. At the end of a visit this past weekend, I admitted to her that I was falling in love with her hard. She admitted she really likes me a lot but with her current state of depression can’t jump into a relationship at this time.
She said she wouldn’t be able to give me her 110% in a relationship yet and that it wouldn’t be fair to me. She followed that by saying she definitely sees something between us and she wouldn’t string me along if she didn’t see a potential future together.
While it is a hard pill for me to swallow, I completely understand where she’s coming from and appreciated her honesty. This is the first time I can say I’ve met someone who checks all of my boxes when I think of a future partner. At the same time, I don’t know how long it’s going to take her to mend the damages from her past. My fear is that I’m going to wait months while still being very much in love with her.
The thought of not talking to her anymore kills me inside, but I worry if I hang on and it doesn’t work out that I would be destroyed. I know the whole “not ready for a relationship” thing has a bad wrap, but I truly believe she’s being genuine with me. Curious to hear others thoughts and stories – have you ever waited for someone who wasn’t ready for a relationship? What was the outcome?
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I waited over 3 years for the guy to be ready for me but it never happened so I just left. I feel like someone wants to be in a relationship they’ll be in one, there’s never a right time to “be ready” that’s just my personal opinion.
Maybe she’s trying to play hard to get? Or has past trauma from past relations
This doesn’t sound like a FWB situation.
I’ve sort of done this? I was crazy about him, like embarrassingly so. I convinced myself I was fine with the situation but I started getting more and more anxious. It was distracting me from my friendships, hobbies, my family, and I started becoming resentful and felt myself needing to play games to get the attention I truly wanted.
At one point, I just decided I wanted and deserved more, cut contact, and met an amazing guy soon after. Things just got better and easier and I was having a blast with new guy. We dated for like a year, and I was incredibly proud of myself for realizing I wanted more and allowing myself to be open to it.
The cost of waiting usually means you’re stifling your own growth or holding back on life. Your time is wayyyy to precious to do either of those things. I’ve dated enough to realize that there is no “the one” there’s people that are emotionally available, healthy, and ready to commit, and there’s people that are not. You may think you’ll never find another love like it and I’ve thought that too, only to be proven wrong over and over again. As I’ve grown and learned, my ability to love and be in healthy relationships just continues to grow. It just gets better, honestly.
If it’s meant to be, you’ll find your way back to each other, but the simple fact is you are ready for a relationship and she is not. That makes ya’ll **fundamentally incompatible**. Who she is now, and who you are now, would not make a healthy relationship.
She checks all boxes? Isn’t being together in a relationship a couple of important things to have?
You are apparently missing these things.
Don’t waste your time or fool yourself, this isn’t a good setup nor a real relationship, and likely won’t turn into one either.
It can but you’re not going to see it by bending to the person’s whims or indecisiveness because you show an utter lack of respect for yourself, and take away anyone else’s responsibility to respect you.
A relationship without respect, can start but never lasts.
I’m married. We can’t just check out of a relationship because life is hard right now; we have to figure out how to lean on each other in a constructive way.
The problem isn’t waiting for her to get her head on straight, but what will happen next time times are tough? You’re being a supportive partner to her now and of course she can’t reciprocate because she’s the one that needs the support right now. If she hates ever feeling dependent on someone, she’ll never be ready to be in a relationship, because life doesn’t work that way. You give when you can and you take when you need to.
Relationships aren’t always sunshine and unicorns. It’s blood and hemorrhoids and panic attacks and heart attacks and vertigo and watching a baby poop all over the diaper pad because I started changing her diaper just as she started pooping. It’s broken cars, broken ACs, and the occasional hurt feelings. It’s life with another person as your teammate.
She’s not ready for a relationship with you.
I mean, it CAN but it’s also not likely. I ended up marrying my fwb that wasn’t ready for a relationship but quite honestly, I left while he was still in that phase. We were friends but I saw other people and lived my life. I couldn’t and wouldn’t wait years for someone to change their mind. He helped me leave a bad relationship like 2 to 3 years down the line and we grew closer and eventually started dating.
I appreciate that she’s honest about where she is but I wouldn’t pursue this right now either. Dealing with trauma and depression can take a very very very long time. Don’t miss out on your life waiting for something that may never come. I would say maybe give yourself some space to think and continue doing things for yourself instead of just waiting around.
Um. This sounds like she likes boning you, but gave you the “it’s not you, it’s me”, easy let down. Odds are she just doesn’t want a relationship just like she told you, but she isn’t cold hearted.
In this episode of AITA, you are. You are violating an agreement you two shared as FWB.
You have two options:
Stay, but check your emtions at the door. She’s trying to be nice. More free snootch.
Stay, and be a bother to her with your feelings. A weight she’s told you she doesn’t need. In which case she’ll start looking for your replacement, then drop the hammer.
No. Move on. Even if it did work out, for someone, at some time, the odds are terrible and it’s a ridiculously self-sabotaging habit to get into.
OP do not waste your time.
Not saying you gotta break her off, but while she’s doing her thing you do yours. If she’s ready when you’re single great! If you find someone Belle she does that ticks all your boxes even better!