***”Get over it.”***
This is something I feel we men hear often from other men when we face problems and crises in our lives. While I do agree we should “get over it,” I still am puzzled about how to actually go about this.
I often find myself ruminating on past events, hurtful comments, old regrets, bad breakups, heartbreak, and failures. I don’t want to think about them or complain and whine. I really don’t want to. But it can be bothersome because it often crops up so persistently in my head.
For those of you who have figured this out in life, how do you actually “get over” something and not let that chain you down any further and stop thinking about it?
18 comments
I went to therapy and took mushrooms, in that order.
This is not a linear list, it is not in any particular order:
* vent about it to good listeners who care about you and who make you feel *heard*
* journal about it, reread your journal, write entries as if you are trying to make a stranger understand the situation, your thoughts, and how it could have worked out for you not to feel bad about it.
* don’t try to block out the unpleasant thoughts and feelings, let yourself experience them, remind yourself daily to do this, really do it.
* when you experience the above pretend it is another person’s thoughts and feelings you are experiencing via a magical machine, watch “your”, study it without conclusions as if you were watching to understand something
* remind yourself ever day, as in a formal exercise, the past can not be changed
* distract yourself *temporarily* from those thoughts to give yourself a break. Do something else
* focus on what you can control, what can you do about it in the present, **do** it
* look towards what you can have in the future, start focusing on building that future in the present and enjoying the present
All of these things will need to be repeated over time.
Once enough time passes and you notice that you’re okay despite that thing having happened, then you’ll get over it. Or when you get sick of the problems you run into from not yet having gotten over it.
At that point, you’ll either get used to letting the thought pass without issue when it comes up, or you’ll keep your mind busy with other things until you start to shift to doing the first thing.
You can speed up the process a little with therapy, but it will still suck for a while before it gets better.
**tl;dr:** if you’re too busy occupying your brain with the stuff you’re doing, you won’t have time or energy to dwell on the past
I decided long ago that the only important thing about everything that has ever happened to me is what happens next. I think more about the future than the past, and try to focus my actions in the present accordingly. I feel I’ve had some success ‘getting over’ past things (more like getting used to them) by prioritizing the present & future.
Already great advice in here.
I have a short answer: I avoid the type of person who would say ‘Get over it’ to you. Avoiding toxic people can really help with your mental condition.
Edit: Additional thought – if you really can’t let things go and they bounce around in your head, ruining your quality of life, that’s possibly anxiety/depression. As a man who is on depression meds and has done therapy, these things can make a HUGE difference. I would recommend starting with therapy and give that some time and if it doesn’t help, look into a low dose of a depression med.
“Get over it” is being told to men – this is exactly the type of toxic masculinity which harms men, that feminists have been telling us since the 60s.
This is the type of toxic culture that drives men to violence – we don’t have a proper emotional outlet to deal with the problems in our lives, so instead we take it out on other people. In days past, we’d beat our wives and children. These days, it seems mass shootings are the next big thing. If you’re a veteran, suicide is the most common outlet.
Whatever it may be, when we bottle up our emotions and we don’t properly deal with the problems in our lives, we turn to violence.
1) Don’t associate with people who tell you to get over it.
2) Only choose life partners that help you navigate your emotions and help you move forward with your problems.
3) Only choose supportive friends.
4) Get a therapist.
And, be supportive and a good listener for your own friends and partner.
One thing my wife and I do is we ask each other, “Are you looking for help or a hug?” Because sometimes we just want to vent, and sometimes we’re looking to solve a problem. Since neither of us are good at figuring out which is which, we blatantly ask.
I’m currently working on figuring this one out for myself by working with a therapist who has also recommended that I study and practice some meditation. Seems promising and fortunately I have a good bit of time to dedicate to all of this but it still remains to be seen how it all shakes out.
let things go that you cant change. and you cant change the past.
dont let those thougths destroy your present. focus on the good things. focus on the things you can improve. enjoy the present.
The sentiment expressed in “get over it” is the same sentiment that is expressed in a hundred different ways and in every language and culture: which is that there is nothing we can do about the past, so focus on the future and do your best moving forward.
Think of the Serenity Prayer, same idea.
The trick, for me at least, is figuring out that it’s a skill that has to be developed.
Of course there are events and feelings from the past that I still ruminate on from time to time, but I’ve become better at not dwelling on them.
When I find myself ruminating, I remind myself that there’s nothing I can do to change certain things, so instead I should focus on things I can change and try to build a better future for myself and family.
I am starting to accept time as the cureall. Sure you can go distract yourself with other outlets but accepting it and letting it fizzle out has always worked for me. I still ruminate over things but what ive done lately is ground myself to the present to get outta my head like a real basic form of meditation: observing the room/environment, the couch is scrwtched up, the sky is blue, the road is gravely, etc.
As I get older I find myself throwing my memories and emotional wounds into two baskets: stuff that I thought mattered at the time but now seems trivial, and mistakes that I had to make in order to learn a valuable lesson. Both baskets are really full. Only time and growth will allow you to gain the perspective you need to leave things in the past. But you’ll never shake all of it off.
I look around and say “is this the biggest problem n my life? Do I have the capacity to solve it?” If either is a “no” I just focus on the thing that is the biggest problem or the biggest one I have the capacity to change.
I lost my wife and developed severe widowing. Had it all, the shock state, the neuropsychologic stuff, the grief waves, the weird guilt issues. You name it, I got it. Some things worse than average, and some things not as bad.
I got myself to a grief trained psychotherapist. I weaved my way through it. I climbed back towards normal (accepting that I will never be normal again). Along the way, I realized that there is really 4 states of existence. 1. Normal, typical life. 2. Neurotic life. 3. Psychotic life. And 4, reactive life. I was solidly in #4 for a long time and by this, you need to read that abnormal stuff and human interactions were actually happening, but you can react to these by sinking deeper into a neurotic life, or you can learn to react with the awareness that like waves at the beach, none of this crap is permanent.
So, my advice OP, get some counseling to redirect you to the awareness that even though something bad really happened and the consequences of this suck, they are not permanent. Get yourself ready for the next wave.
I think the issues that you have are the same ones that I have but finally am aware of. Holding on to past trauma is due to negative self image, inability to understand that you deserve to be happy. I was abused physically and emotionally by my mother who i don’t talk to anymore, the concept of family is very alien to me even now (i am 36), i moved to a foreign country and was homeless at one point and battled through drug addiction too.
What i realized is that i can let go of things since i moved to UK at the age of 19 as they are my mistakes and my responsibility. However, letting go of my childhood is more of a challenge due to poor self image that was forced on me by my mother and then reaffirmed by me being constantly bullied and beaten by other boys at school and on the streets.
For me, it is about giving myself props during self talks no matter how weird it is and accepting when people compliment me (i find it even weirder).
Hope my story helps a bit.
Listen to Kansas. Everything is dust in the wind.
When it comes to things I’ve done or had done to me – a lot of that is “just life”. Nobody will end up in Hell over them. Also I very much doubt my counterparties in all those incidents ever dwell much on my role – and so I shouldn’t, about them.
We all think it’s all about us. But really? I’m just a bit player in the lives of most I’ve met, a mere cameo to some. I can’t beat myself up over things THEY didn’t feel it worth beating me up over!
If you feel there is unfinished business, you may wish to finish it. But don’t be surprised if your opposite number turns out to have forgotten the whole affair…between the passage of time and human nature, unless the sin was one of the big ones, things just fade away.
Set goals to keep you present and future oriented.
Bottom line is changing your mindset. Metacognition and forming new neural connections. Ayuhuasca probably helps too.