What are your deal breakers?

49 comments

  5. Substance abuse and/or not over their party phase

    Physical/emotional abuse

    Financially irresponsible

    Negligent parent

    Infidelity

    Political wingnut

    Extreme religious fundamentalist

  6. My neutral deal breakers are stuff like big life goals. I don’t want kids, so obviously I don’t date people who do. I don’t want to own a big house in the suburbs, etc. These aren’t judgments of character, just acknowledgments of different life paths.

    My negative deal breakers are stuff like emotional immaturity, dishonesty, lack of financial responsibility, lack of self care. These are things that are going to make a healthy relationship impossible even if we’ve got other things in common. If you can’t recognize your own damage and make steps to fix it I’m not interested.

  9. • No empathy towards animals or people.

    • Active and unmitigated addictions (be it substance, gambling, gaming, etc.).

    • Financial irresponsibility.

    • Poor self-care, especially in regards to not taking care of diagnosed mental disorders and illnesses.

    • Climate change denial.

  10. Deal breakers are lack of consistency, lack of empathy, no financial responsibility, smoking, content with being complacent in work/life, unable to deal with change, no family values, and lack of communication skills

  12. Wanting kids, smoking tobacco, disliking cats, hard drug use, personality disorders, fringe politics/activism, cheating, religious fanatic, low intelligence, financial irresponsibility, probably a few others I’m not thinking of.

  14. Dishonesty.

    Lack of openness in communication with me.

    Not being an animal lover who wants to share his life with animal companions.

    Not having empathy towards animals, including humans. If he treats low wage workers rudely, he’s not for me.

    Wanting to have children or already having children.

    Irresponsible, careless, or impulsive behavior.

    Emotional immaturity.

    Abusive behavior.

    Bad temper.

    Not being monogamous.

    Low IQ.

    No sense of humor/can’t laugh at himself and me.

    Simple-minded, closed-minded.

    Not a freethinker. Someone who is religious, is loyal to a political party, doesn’t question authority, pro-establishment, brainwashed, etc.

    Someone super social who always has to go out.

    Poor hygiene.

    Noisy eaters/noisy people in general.

  15. Being too sexual or full-on straight up.

    Arrogance!

    Having an inflated self-esteem. Confidence is sexy. Cockiness is not.

    And lots of the above comments as well: smoking, drugs, partying, laziness, no job, no ambition, poor hygiene, etc.

  16. If they’re anti-vaccine. My kids aren’t dying or getting their lives drastically changed by preventable diseases.

  17. An “I’m gunna”
    If they have plans to do x, y, x constantly, but never do any steps to get there, prefering to play xvox. Dated one “I’m Gunna be a PT, I’m Gunna get my forklift licence, I’m gunna do my certificate in social work…. it’s 15 years later and he’s still working at base level job (no issues with that, just don’t plan to do other things then don’t).

    Edit:I meant xbox

  18. I really struggle with whether this means, if you have met or matched someone you like, what dealbreakers change that, or whether it includes the match criteria as well.

    My criteria are

    – 35-45
    – single
    – cis female (i know were not supposed to say it, but im not going to lie)
    – employed
    – financially stable
    – has pets
    – has or wants kids (i have kids)
    – atheist or minimally practising mainstream religion
    – left leaning or centrist politically
    – vaccinated
    – a life (i dont care if our interests and hobbies are different, but I want her to have some)
    – not vegan

    Dealbreakers

    – any of the ism’s sexism, racism, discrimination etc
    – mismatched attitudes around finances
    – conspiracy (anit vax, flat earty etc)
    – no relationship with friends/families
    – constant bitching (needing to vent about their mother or boss occasionally is fine, everyday, no)
    – mismatched schedules (ie no common free time).
    – smoking, drugs, gambling or alcohol addiction
    – constant lateness

  21. Aside very obvious reasons such as verbal or physical violence and (this one is personal) use of drugs I guess I’m kind of learning what my dealbreakers are now. I only had like one very – very – longterm relationship. So I don’t have much reference for comparison. So nowadays in my current relationship I find myself way too tolerant when sometimes I think I shouldn’t be. But I’m surfing this wave and seeing where it takes me and which will be the lessons I’ll learn along the way.

  22. In general terms: radically different lifestyle than mine, radically different places in our lives, radically different values, radically different level of investment in the relationship as it progresses.

    Specific dealbreakers (to name a few): has kids/wants kids, married, smoker/hard drug user/heavy drinker, no ambitions, no hobbies or interests, emotionally unavailable.

  26. I think the majority of things here are dealbreakers for people we wouldn’t want to befriend let alone date.

  27. Y’all got so many and mine are just:

    Mansplains / treats me as if I don’t know what I’m talking about or in general takes a contemptuous attitude with me.

    Doesn’t have their financial situation figured out. I don’t care how much money you have, but you should be able to do fun things when you want to do them (within reason obviously).

    Hates their job / has no “passion project” – I love my work and there are a number of other things I’m interested in that bring meaning to my life. If someone doesn’t derive meaning from either their job or another activity that they make a considerable investment in, I will have a hard time connecting with them.

    IS SECRETLY MARRIED (sorry, still salty about that one)

  30. Multiple pictures including alcohol. Was married to a drunk and not doing it again. Smokers, marijuana users. I also learned that I don’t want to date someone without a career.

  31. Someone who takes themselves too seriously. I just don’t click with those types of people.

  32. Cheating. If I don’t feel safe and secure with him. Inconsistent. Abusive. Not open to therapy.

  33. Alright, everyone has really good stuff. The only ones I have not seen yet that are super important to me are:

    They initiate at least 30% of all communication. They initiate at least 30% of all physical contact. They at least occasionally initiate sex.

    If you can’t tell, my last significant other was extremely avoidant . Never again…

  34. Little experience with committed long term relationships

    Poor judgment

    Making me feel confused – push-pull, hot-cold, reserved and passive, etc

  36. There are the obvious lifestyle ones like wants kids, etc. Those are boring and aren’t really worth discussing. Then the ones like similar or at least compatible world views, etc.

    Needs to have some amount of intellectual curiosity. You don’t need to be a PhD astrophysicist or anything, but have a basic desire to understand why stuff works the way that it does, sometimes.

    Can’t think video games or tabletop role-playing games (eg, Dungeons & Dragons) are silly/childish, and have to respect video games themselves as a work of art. I have been playing video games longer than sitting members of Congress have been alive. This isn’t going to change. If you don’t game, that’s totally cool! Just be cool with the fact that I do.

    No hating on Jane Austen.

    Handle failure/losing well. I get being frustrated with a lack of success, but there’s ways to handle it positively.

  38. Smoking cigarettes, a lot of profanity and vulgarity, a lifestyle that’s still centered on partying every weekend (and the friends that come with it), hard drugs beyond weed and psychedelics, any amount of Trumpism or antivax Qanon nonsense.

  40. A mess that stagnates.

    I get it if you’re bogged down on laundry or sweeping or whatever, but, if I have gone over to your place a couple of times and there’s STILL a huge, ugly, stinky mess…like, what the fuck? My tolerance is two strikes and you’re out. Disgusting. If your OWN living space looks like that, then how do you think someone else thinks about your own personal hygiene? Ladies, thems, and gents—don’t go down until they shower.

  41. Smoking. Its really common in Germany and gross AF to me

    The rest is more getting to know somebody’s personality and style and seeing if your aspirations can align. This part is less of a shopping list to me.

  42. 1. Someone who stonewalls or gaslights
    2. If they have a history of violence and aggression
    3. If they are consumed with being wealthy or popular
    4. If they lack empathy and compassion
    5. If they can’t enjoy the simple things in life and lack satisfaction with what good things they already have

  43. Guys who won’t go down—or who are only down there for 0.0005 seconds and don’t understand or care that it’s integral for being aroused and mentally/physically ready for sex (for me at least)

  44. When you end up being the only acting adult in the relationship and they require you to be more of a parental figure than a partner.

  45. Bad teeth, always being late, making me look at slideshows of work trips (that last guy was really bad)

  46. An unwillingness to learn/correct oneself

    Lack of empathy

    Unmotivated

    Poor communication

    Most anything else I can get past

  47. Lying is a dealbreaker. If I discovered a lie from you, no matter how small it is, it is just over.

  48. Most of the stuff here is a dealbreaker for me, but I have another that is weird (maybe I’m slightly intolerant?):

    I just can’t deal with people that ask from others what they won’t do/provide themselves.

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