My wife and I are helping my daughter shop for prom dresses, and we are on totally different pages. My wife is the conservative one – she’s on the hunt for a very unrevealing dress, “classic” as she would say (“matronly” as my daughter would say).
I understand the hesitation, but I am fine with my daughter wearing something more revealing/modern. She’s a good kid, understands that there are appropriate dresses for certain events. I just think she should be free to wear something in line with modern fashion, even if it shows more than my wife would like. (This also came up in swimsuit shopping for spring break.)
However, I don’t want to take my daughter’s side vs my wife! Trying to tiptoe that line.
Advice is welcome!
13 comments
Have you talked to your wife specifically about it? What was her reasoning?
You don’t have to take sides, you can advocate for your daughter though. You’re thinking the right way by letting her choose what SHE wants to wear and trusting her. Your wife is trying to force her into something she doesn’t want and likely won’t have fun in. It’s prom, if she’s really going to do anything, she’ll do it no matter what she’s in.
I think it might be worth taking your daughter’s side because, ultimately, this is choosing a dress for her to wear.
If you were at a restaurant and your daughter said, “I want the chicken sandwich,” and your wife said, “Why don’t you get a cheeseburger?” you’d take your daughter’s side. I see why this is more emotionally complex, but I don’t think it’s fundamentally much different.
You can tell your wife I wore a dress that covered my collarbone and went all the way to the floor with a wrap I literally borrowed from my mother, and I still got railed in the backseat of my boyfriend’s KIA on prom night. Teenagers are going to do what they’re going to do. If you know you’ve raised a kid with standards, boundaries, and healthy self-esteem, you have nothing to worry about.
The issue here is that our thoughts mean absolutely nothing. I’d tend to agree with you depending on exactly what “classic” means. That could mean completely covered up neck to toe just as much as being modern but not ultra conservative. I’m assuming your wife is leaning towards the former.
Either way, your wife has a very outdated view of the world, which is really unfortunate for your daughter. It’s as though she feels her daughter exists only to find a suitable husband. I’m a guy by the way, and I tell you that to let you know that I’m not here with some inherent feminist bias. There’s a middle ground between wearing a burka and wearing a two piece to prom.
The bigger problem is that this has always been a problem, and I’m hard pressed to believe you didn’t know her feelings long before you even had children. I can tell you all day that I’m on your side and disagree with her, but none of our opinions are going to change how your wife feels, and I think you know that. Good luck.
My husband and I compromise with our daughter like no massive cleavage, butt can not be hanging out, that kind of stuff, not for an “old” person but not something “Cardi B” would wear. Gotta Learn to compromise or she is going to rebel when she is out from under your thumb
I have to imagine there’s room for compromise between your daughter’s taste and your wife’s picks. But I also haven’t shopped for a prom dress in a million years so I could be way off base. Are there compromises like a longer hemline but she can do strapless/sleeveless?
But it doesn’t sound like it’s entirely about the dress, does it?
Your wife is likely struggling with your daughter not wanting Mom to pick out her clothes/seeking her peers’ approval or advice on fashion. Throw in some “I want people to know I’m a good mom who doesn’t let her daughter walk around with her a$$ out” guilt and it’s a great time for all lol.
Remind your wife that you two have raised your daughter well and she will make the choices she makes regardless of what she’s wearing. Your daughter absolutely still needs you both, but if she feels judged and dismissed she’s less likely to come to you for Big Stuff. It’s a dress for one night – is this the hill your wife wants to die on?
Tell your wife that pushing your daughter away from you by being very strict will only lead to her rebelling and not coming to you for help when she needs it. In a could of years your daughter won’t be living at home anymore. Does she still want her to come home frequently to see her?
My mother is similar.
Even now, ar 27 years old she will scold me for showing belly in a crop top or wearing pyjama shorts in my own home because the absolute horror that she can see a bit of thigh.
For me, thus caused body image problems as I felt there was something wrong with my body. As I’ve got older, I’ve realised it is my body and I do not allow her to comment.
Your daughter needs to make these choices for herself. She may look back and think, what the he’ll was I thinking? But pushed to wear something she is not comfortable she may look back with resentment, not only for your wife but also you for not speaking up for her.
You don’t want her to go to a formal looking out of place. Trust that you raised her right and understand she will do whatever she is going to do with or without you dressing her like a mummy.
Tell your wife that your daughter will get judged for wearing something like that and wont feel good about herself. Being modest to the extreme just makes you look like the weirdo with the crazy religious mom. Sorry to be harsh but teens can be even more rude than that.
The only thing that your wife is doing is making sure your daughter will want to dress really sexy once she can decide what she can wear.
Unless your daughter wants to go for a stripper outfit let her decide what she will wear.
I don’t think there’s such thing as taking side here. It’s more about telling what you think and advocating for what is best. Taking side would be like making your wife the enemy instead of trying to make her understand.
Surely you can ask the salesperson to come up with options that are in middle ground territory. Tell your wife and daughter that now is a good time to compromise.
Honestly it should be up to your daughter what kind of dress for her prom she wants to wear. yes you could have your opinion but at the end of the day even if it’s a little bit revealing or covering up her neck it should be her choice! Most of the time when parents are super strict with a child tend to rebel against you later on. Unfortunately, no matter what dress she wears there’s gonna be always some sort of boy trying to hit on her no matter what if that’s what your wife is worried about clothes don’t really matter that much and I also assume that the school she’s attending won’t allow her wear overly revealing clothing generally anyways. At the end of the day it should be her choice what she wants to wear ❤️