I have someone in my family that seems to be struggling with depression and is very de-motivated. They still live with their parents and don’t enjoy their job, and is embarrassed by it.
I try to help them identify and path to head down but they have no idea what they want to do with their life.
I worry about them a lot, and thinking about them being unhappy makes me feel unhappy.
What can I do to help them or how do I approach the topic in conversation?
8 comments
Get them to lookup Max in the Lakedistrict on Facebook.
Start at the very beginning of Kerry’s feed. It’s all about how Max the Miracle dog (awards given for service, and even met the queen) saved Kerry’s life, from depression.
The page has a massive international following, with many people reporting how these twice daily live streams helped them at low points. Some were ready to commit suicide.
It’s a very hard thing to do. All you can really do is offer support. When someone is really depressed, knowing that someone is there to talk if they need it can help.
In my personal experience, what did it for me was time. I can’t explain it, but something just clicked when I was depressed, after 2 years of being nearly constantly in a dark place, I just woke up one morning and said “That’s enough” , I was tired of wasting time and missing out. I don’t believe anyone ever knew I was depressed and this was about 15 years ago, I think society has become more concerned for mental health now.
My Mum suffers with depression. She has a bad experience that cripples her socially every couple of years or so. When that’s occurred, I try to get her to leave the house, gentle encouragement. Take her out for meals, to places she likes, call her everyday, go around twice a week. Just be there and be present, listen to them if they want it. Talk about things they enjoy and be enthusiastic for them.
Sounds like you’re a good friend. I hope your friend can come out of this.
You can’t motivate them, they are too down to be motivated, and you trying to motivate them hurts them even more. Don’t. Be there, listen if they want to talk, make them a cup of tea and just sit with them.
Put another way, if someone has a broken leg, you can’t just motivate them to get out of bed. Depression is a disabling injury in just the same way. You can help a tiny bit, but you have to give them time and the right circumstances to heal.
True depression should be treated by a medical professional. As much as people like to think that motivation and love can help, it’s often due to complex issues that can only be dealt with through treatment, which may include medication.
Of course this is easier said than done. There’s still a mental health ‘stigma’ and people feel ashamed, are in denial, and/or think it means they are ‘weak’, but if you can convince them that it’s no different from any other illness like a chronic heart condition etc and help take away the shame then maybe that will be a first step towards them seeking support.
You could encourage them to speak with Samaritans. It’s not therapy, they don’t offer any advice. But it may be helpful to talk with someone removed from their life about why they’re depressed.
Number is 116 123.
I was diagnosed with depression at a young age and have struggled with it for most of my life. This is about my experience and what would have been helpful for me.
The first thing you need to understand is that you can’t motivate depression away. This is the best depiction I’ve found of what it’s like to suffer from depression and what I usually send people who want to know what it’s like (https://youtu.be/ZtKUUkEDetI).
Really, they need professional help. But you’re going to run into the awful state of mental health care in modern Britain. If they go to the doctors, they can get a referral for 6 sessions of CBT which is helpful for some people. If they’ve not done this already, it’s worth suggesting to them. They might also be able to get some medication but this is often very different from GP to GP. Don’t push too hard on this, just remind them that the option is there.
The best thing you can do is remind them that you’re there and willing to talk if they want that. If you do get them talking about how they’re feeling let them talk and reassure them that you actually care and want to listen. Depression brain can convince you that no one actually cares or wants to listen so the reassurance is important.
Be understanding if they don’t respond to messages. Just a message saying you don’t need a response but you’re there if they want to talk can make a world of difference. For me, if I forget to reply to a message while having a bad period I won’t send a new one because I’m still all frozen over not replying and the longer it goes on for the worse it gets. I’ve lost many friends over the years because of this.
Get them out of their normal environment. Home can feel like a prison at times so offer to go somewhere outside the normal day to day routine with them. This could be a cafe, pub, park, anything really. Be slightly pushy but also let them know that saying no is completely fine. If they don’t feel up to going out, offer to go to them instead. Take things in stages.
Don’t concern yourself too much about their career. It’s not unusual for people to not like what they do for a living and holding down a job at all with depression is difficult. If they ask for advice or help, you can suggest options but this should be low in your list of ways to help.
Don’t let yourself become a crutch though. There’s a fine line between being super supportive and becoming something your friend relies too heavily on. Keep clear boundaries and don’t fall into the trap of doing everything for your friend or becoming their only outlet of depression. You need to maintain your own mental health as well and it will be better for both of you in the long run to have healthy boundaries
There is zero embarrassment about having depression and needing anti-depressents. If someone is depressed, I’d strongly recommend they see their GP. Mental Health is Health.
you cannot help their depression, that is for them to resolve. you can however listen, and if you want try to identify a goal they may have. it could be travelling, cars, girls/boys , movies, music amything that would like to pursue in progress with. give them a goal and let them fill in the pieces.