We’ve been together for almost 6 years. We live together and have a dog, and overall had planned a future together. Obviously.
A lot of stuff started going downhill. First off, he has severe anxiety. I have tried for years to get him to seek help and he just won’t or can’t do it depending on what his excuse is.
Lately since coming home from a study trip in May I noticed he started acting differently. I tried confronting him about it gently multiple times only to get the excuse that he was “just tired” or “missed me.”
I followed my gut feeling and checked his old phone. I know it’s terrible and I felt horribly about it until I saw what I feared. On discord he’s been texting this girl from the US (we’re from europe) and calls her his bbgirl, texts her good night/good morning, and he even confides in her instead of me (one day he was sad and I asked him about it and got told he was tired. that same day he wrote walls of texts to this girl about it.) Their conversations are filled with hearts and honeyed compliments. When I confronted him he immediately said “I know it looks bad, but-” and started to frantically explain that “she’s like a sister to him” and that most of it is “an inside joke.”
They play Valorant a lot at night while I sleep (I’m a heavy sleeper) so I can’t even begin to imagine how they talk in vc. The one time I was in a call playing dbd with them (I thought they were friends at that time) my bf got mad at him for teasing him because I was “humiliating him by teasing him and killing him constantly.” Back then I thought it was his anxiety, but now I think he was trying to impress her.
I’ve never been more hurt. It’s the 3rd time he’s done this. With the same person. It’s even worse this time than the other times. He promised to block her again, but it literally means nothing now. I can’t stand being near him or looking at him without feeling like I’m bleeding out from my heart. I can’t think of any way to fix this.
My mom tells me I need to stop being so dramatic and accepts his apology, that he’s a good guy and I’ll never find someone as nice as him… She thinks I’m overreacting because this girl is just someone he knows online. I can see that it’s silly to get so worked up over someone he knows online. But I just can’t help but feel so shattered like I’ve never felt. My family wants me to “suck it up and fix it” and my friends told me to do “what’s best for me” but idk what that is. It’s been 3 days since I confronted him and I constantly think about it to the point I’m nauseous. I feel like I can’t breathe and my heart is bleeding but idk what to do. I don’t know where to go from here.
tl;dr my bf of 5.5 yrs is potentially cheating on me with a pocket sage in val he knows from overseas on discord. I don’t know whether to take it seriously because it’s only online but I’m still hurt beyond words. I don’t know where to take our relationship from here.
12 comments
Unfortunately he is having an emotional affair and is gaslighting you. I hope you will leave. What a creep.
Your Mum won’t always be right, also I have noticed something mums seem to not hear properly sometimes and then just try and keep the status quo. Personally if a gf treated me this way she would be kicked to the kerb so fast she’d say daaaamn.
If this was the first time it’s happened, I’d say try couples therapy and give it a chance. Since this is the third time….honey he’s not going to stop. You are the one that’s in this relationship, not your parents or friends. Nothing will change because he’s not giving her up. Cut him loose and find someone that deserves you. And don’t let him sweet talk you back. If you truly meant something to him, she’d be a bad memory for you both.
LPT: *You* can’t fix this. He broke your trust, not once, not twice, but three times. How many more times will he break it? This is a *him* issue, not a *you* issue, and he’s the one who has to do the work.
I know old people (I’m one) say this all the time. He was your first love, but he won’t be your last. You’re both very young, have been together from a very young age, and *each* of you needs to learn who *you* are, individually.
I’m not saying your relationship can’t work. I became friends with a very young couple (19/20 yo) playing WoW, and there were a few years where they had a rocky time, including some time apart. I was surprised they worked through it, but it wasn’t easy. However, they eventually married and they are still together all these years later.
But they are the exception that proves the rule, in my experience.
If nothing else, it may be time for you two to take a break from each other.
Good luck to you both!
Edit to add: I don’t know how I missed this:
> “I know it looks bad, but-” and started to frantically explain that “she’s like a sister to him” and that most of it is “an inside joke.”
If its an “inside joke,” then OP, you are the butt of it. Make no mistake there. If he doesn’t understand that, then you are better off moving on with your own life. No one needs a partner like that.
Other people here are right.you CANNOT fix this.
He is emotionally cheating on you with this girl. He is treating her like a girlfriend, and this is wrong. It is what people call ’emotional infidelity’ and that’xms every bit as bad as the sex kind. Bevause he is building this world of intimacy with her and spending all this time with her. He has relegated you to the flatmate he fucks sometimes but doesn’t really care for. I’m sorry but you arent really his Gzf any more. The person he thinks about first and last thing in the day? The person he aches to be with when alone? The person he saves confiding for and who he showers with terms of endearment? That person is not you. He isn’t confiding in you at all. He isn’t living in the present with you and he usbt really planning a future with you.
I’m sorry hes doing this to you, especially since he’s hiding it and lying and claiming this is all normal and OK. He isnt treating her like a sister. Maybe he knows he us lying or maybe he hasnt realised what he is doing. But what he is doing is destroying and ending the relationship.
He is with you because it’s comfortable and because you are putting up with this, not because he wants you to share his life. The fact that he can’t physically sleep together with her right now is irrelevant – his behaviour has changed and he keeps getting back with her. If you forgive him, you are signing yourself up for a life together with a man who wants to be with someone rlse and for whom you will never be the priority in his life.
It is common for young relationships to not work out – I’m in my 30s and there is a reason that most people I know arent with the people they dated as teens or early 20s. The people we find when young (out of a very limited pool and with no experience) usually arent who we need for the rest of our lives! People fall our of love or grow in different directions. In his case, he is falling for someone else.
You’ve been together for years, but most of that was when you are children. Your mum is finding this hard to accept but she is wrong. This isbt something you should forgive or forget. He isn’t being a good guy here, he is cheating on you repeatedly.
You are young and there are literally billions of guys in the world. Dnt put up with this shit.
You know what to do. You just need to pluck up the courage to do it.
Holy crap. He’s done this 3 times and you’re still with him? Don’t listen to your mom. My own mom once said she ca see why some men hit women because they push their buttons. It’s an old way of thinking that women are less than men. Leave this idiot while you can. You’re not married, which is good. No kids, which is better. This emotional affair will not end. Even if he doesn’t physically meet her, he’s hooked. He treats her better than you, which is unacceptable.
Girl you are so so young. You will definitely find someone else that can treat you right. Why would you just stay with this person who has cheated on you, doesn’t care about your feelings, and has continuously gaslit you? What kind of life is that? Yes, it will hurt to leave him but it hurt you now to stay? Don’t mess up your life by staying.
You are only 22! Your mom is WRONG. Don’t accept this. There is so much more to experience, so many more people. You are young and you have it all in front of you. Dump him
Listen to your friend
If this is the third time, why on God’s earth would you go back for more? He doesn’t love or respect you and you know it.
Girl I am so sorry about this whole situation you’re in 🥺
You have an absolute right to not feel okay and he definitely should not be getting so close to other girls, oversharing and calling them baby while in a relationship with you, both in real life and online! Also to me talking to other girls regularly late at night isn’t really fair either.
Tbh you guys are still young and he sounds pretty immature. Sucks he couldn’t appreciate you as his gf and had to seek other girls’ company online while you were away..
It’s up to you whether you decide to forgive him and continue with this relationship, or end things and try to heal yourself and then try to meet some new person to build a healthy relationship with.
You probably need to talk to him and say how what he did made you feel. If he shows remorse and promises to change, maybe give him another chance and then see if he does improve his behaviours or not. I think it’s okay if you ask him to end the online “friendship” because he already crossed some boundaries and you should matter to him more than some random girl.
Trust your gut feeling like you did so far and remember it’s not the end of the world if you guys actually drifted apart and need to move on from each other. I hope it all works out the best for you! 💕
PS If he dies in DBD means he sucks at looping and it’s his skill issue. Blame shifting is a sign of immaturity too