Hi, I am posting this for a second opinion and some support because I am feeling really devastated now.
I (36F) and a guy(44M) have been dating since December. We have been hanging out regularly (once a week), proper dates, and texted each other everyday. But we did not define the relationship. I don’t want to rush it during the last six months because I just got out from a relationship late last year. But I made it very clear to him that I wasn’t looking for anything casual from the start. And asked if he was looking for the same? He said yes we had a strong connection which could potentially lead to something serious. He wants to take it slow too. We became intimate past the one month mark. I fell for him and he did tell me before that he likes me too.
Out of the blue, a sudden thought struck me five days back (Wednesday morning). Perhaps my feelings for him grown and I feel that it was time to ask. And moreover, he will be going to Japan in two weeks time for a 2 month trip. I texted him asking him “Where is the relationship going? Are we more than friends?” He didn’t reply. Usually he replies within minutes. I saw his WhatsApp status which was online. Four hours passed and still radio silence. My heart sank. I texted again “Hey it’s okay. No answer is the best answer. Hey I am not asking you to marry me now.” I thought giving a light hearted text could make it less awkward but still no reply. It couldn’t be because he was busy because I knew he has a lot of free time in his job and his WhatsApp status was online.
Before I texted him the relationship question, we arranged to meet for dinner the next day. But there was no response from him 24 hours after my last message. I figured that I have been ghosted. At 8 pm on Thursday, I decided to text him again. “Hey it seems like you have lost interested and we aren’t on the same page anymore. While that is totally fine, I do wished you have considered my emotions and let me know that this was the case. I deserved much”. And I sent him a photo of him which I took without him knowing during our dates, because I intended to make a photo card for him before his trip.
Fast forward, there was continued radio silence from him on Saturday. I tried to keep myself occupied in the day, but I really couldn’t resist and texted him again in the evening. I was really upset because I couldn’t figure out why he will just disappear on me, and I started to wonder if I have done anything wrong? I texted “If it were something that I did, I would have hoped that you were more upfront about it. I do not expect that we can’t even have a proper goodbye after six months of knowing each other. It would benefit if we could have a call to understand your perspective”. After that, I called him three times on his WhatsApp. He was clearly online but did not pick up my call. Then I texted him again knowingly that he would read it, “To be honest, it was very embarrassing to call you three times just now but I really like to hear from you”. Because I feel that it was unlike the usual me – I was never a clingy person.
Today – five days on, I still haven’t heard from him. I am not having high hopes now, but deep within, I am still waiting to hear from him so I have not blocked him on WhatsApp. But it hurts so much. It feels like betrayal from someone whom I really trusted, he was someone who I used to share everything with, talk to everyday. I could have accepted a no for an answer rather to keep it hanging like that? It’s like we never existed in each other’s lives?
I started to doubt if I am rushing things? Or is it the way I ask? I could have asked in person. And I am not sure if I have the ability to trust anyone again? Because I don’t expect that kind of behavior from him. He is always so sweet during the dates. I am not sure if I should move on now or just waiting around? And what I can do to move on?
42 comments
First, I’m sorry. That is incredibly disrespectful and hurtful.
Second, stop messaging or calling him. You need to get the message, and that is he no longer wants to communicate with you.
Third, he’s a POS for not communicating with you. Even if he came back, unless he was in the hospital in an accident I wouldn’t give this man one minute of your time. Ghosting is a character flaw – when a person shows no respect to communicate like an adult. In time you’ll learn to understand that and be happy you dodged a bullet.
Wow, what an incredibly unkind and selfish person.
Regardless of his feelings towards you, it’s unimaginable to think that he wouldn’t at least to be able to understand how much suddenly disappearing after six months could hurt you. Especially when you’ve just opened up about your feelings.
Whatever you two have been through, this man does not deserve you or one more minute of your time. I’d say go ahead and block him and at least then you’ve taken back control of the situation.
Then get out of your house as often as possible and get social. Meet your friends and try to make new ones. Do what you love and you’ll be amazed who you’ll meet.
Nobody deserves to be treated like that, and don’t for one second underrate how appalling that behaviour is. Whether or not he has a sudden change of heart, he doesn’t deserve to hear from you again.
So sorry to hear you’re going through this, I know it’s really painful. Wish you the best.
You are 36 years old. You have the right to request and only have serious and exclusive relationships right from the start. Don’t fall for this “define the relationship later” crap.
I understand why you were motivated to ask at this time, however, it should not been over text. It should have been face to face.
Nevertheless, the good thing is that you now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he had no intentions of being with you forever. He was probably going to ghost you when he got to Japan. You saved yourself from being used by him until then.
I’m sorry he is a cad. Good riddance to bad rubbish. This is the man he really is, not what you thought.
Every moment you waste thinking about this man is preventing the man you should be with from entering your life. Good luck to you.
First off I’m sorry that happened to you and he sounds like a real jerk for doing that to you and I know how it feels to be ghosted by someone you like except you person I liked blocked me on everything I don’t think the pain will ever stop but it gets easier over time
Very shitty behavior on his part to be sure, we don’t know what’s going on in his life, perhaps he chose the other woman over you after she gave him the same question?
But please don’t do a dozen communications after it is clear he has dumped you. I know it hurts and feels bad, and you want a response or closure, but it’s not going to happen.
Block/delete and grieve and move on.
Sounds like you got the answer:
Q: “Where is the relationship going?”
A: “Away”
You sacrifice your dignity every time you message him after he Ignored the first one. He’s a weak man and also cowardly for not making himself accountable. Move on.
I’m so sorry but you deserve better. Hopefully time will heal. Hang on there! 💪🏻
That’s disrespectful. U ddn do anything wrong iam kn the same situation as u and if 6 months in he did this il be devastated ! Dont worry one day he will ache to contact u THATS WHEN U BE ONLINE AND IGNORING HIM
I’m Not surprised by his actions.
You were in a casual sexual relationship with this man.
He NEVER wanted a serious relationship.
He was in for the coochie once a week.
I’m sure he was banging it out with others while sexing with you once a week.
The moment you text on where the relationship was going,his filthy ass balls. Popped to attention& went to ghost mode.
It doesn’t matter if you OLD or meet face to face.
Deceitful Assholes can’t be avoided.
Everyone stays online & never stop their search for who they feel are something better. It’s a never ending cycle.
If you’re looking for a serious relationship make it clear once you start talking.
There is no need to contact him again.
Delete the man’s info from your phone & block him & stop checking his social media accounts.
Move on & never look back 🌼
Questions like that are best to ask in person because it forces the person to answer the question versus avoiding/ignoring it through text. This is the type of answer you want to see in person so you can hear their tone, facial expressions or body language bc it really gives you an idea on how they really feel besides what they’re saying. However regardless where you chose to ask the question, if he really cares he would’ve answered, a simple “can we talk about this in person” would’ve sufficed. I empathize with how you’re feeling bc ghosting truly sucks but unfortunately ppl would rather do that say how they really feel.
Asking where things are going is never rushing things. Particularly not after 6 months!
You’ve had a lucky escape, that’s the sort of behaviour you expect in teens or early 20’s. But a 44yr old man going radio silent is just ridiculous and childish.
Forget him.
This is incredibly disrespectful and hurtful. I’m sorry.
I would delete his number and any way I had to contact him.
He’s clearly not the person you thought he was. Anyone who acts like that just shows themselves to be incredibly unkind and immature.
A few months ago I had something similar happen to me and I started a positivity journal of all the things that I enjoyed for a day which helped me. I also, had written out all the things I didn’t like about her a little later on and actually reflected on our meet ups and noticed things like there were a few instances where she did put me down a bit. (I’m younger than you so I didn’t notice right away) It can be hard to move on if you were really into someone but hopefully this can help ☺️
It wasn’t going anywhere to begin with then lmao
Imagine being in your 30’s and continuing to ghost people who’ve done you no harm.
Imagine being in your fucking 40’s.
I’m sorry this is happening… but at the same time, congratulations, you’re no longer dating a self-serving fucking coward.
Too many text. You should have stopped at the 2nd one. If someone doesn’t reply they are thinking about the last text or don’t want to talk. At this point you leave them alone. You texted this person too many times.
As a recent ghostee I feel your pain. It shows what a horrid human being he is.
I had to delete his number, that stopped me.
I don’t think I have much to add but I truly do hope that a guy who’s worthy of you AND will communicate with you even when things are rough or he’s not feeling the same you are at the moment.
(Lord knows I wish I were that guy right now, especially because I’ve recently been Ghosted by someone as well.)
Did he mention by any chance the phrase “go with the flow”?
He wasted 6 months of your time. Don’t waste another second by chasing him with texts.
You’re not rushing things. I’m sorry this happened to you. My real question is, why would you want to hear from someone who didn’t respond for 5 days? I can understand there being an emotional attachment, but frankly even if he told you he wanted to continue, it’s a very clear sign that you should end the relationship anyway. He didn’t have the dignity to respond, he’s been seeing you that long and ghosts you? It speaks very poorly about him. He’s not worth it, move on. It’s definitely a betrayal, he’s a jerk. Move on.
Oh man I’m a 31M and just went through this thing with a girl. We’d been together about 4 months and she just dropped off and my mind was just so scrambled for like a week. It sucked. Just gotta accept that’s what they do and move on. Like someone else mentioned. Dodged a bullet
Definitely not rushing things if you guys are 6 months in. He’s just an asshole for deliberately ignoring you and not even respecting you enough to give closure at least. I know that you still have some feelings for him but eventually you will see that you don’t deserve to be someone that treats you like this.
Unless he’s dead or been kidnapped.
You should 100% move on, and the way to do that is to first understand that he’s a piece of shit for ghosting after six months of dating, without being man enough to tell you he’s out, and you are far better off dating other adults. He clearly isn’t one. Get out there and find the kind of relationship you want and deserve, with someone who respects you.
Move on. His reasoning is irrelevant. There’s nothing he’s going to say that is going to make things better at this point. What he did was super shitty. Block him everywhere and go date other men.
Hugs girl. Just. Hugs. Hope you find someone who is sane enough to handle a simple conversation about emotions. 🙂
You don’t have to wait that long to ask. If he’s not bringing up marriage and kids, calling you his gf, saying I love you after a few weeks or months you can assume he’s probably not got serious intentions for you. Waiting longer isn’t going to change it.
You don’t even really have to ask. You can know. I’m sure he didn’t lie and does want to get married and have kids and can see himself in a serious relationship. Just not with you.
If he was a 25 year old man, or you were younger, Id have dif advice. At this point in your life you need to dump these guys sooner so that you can find a guy who really likes you.
I’m a 37 year old woman and I I thought men would mature but being single right now is a nightmare. I feel for you and I’m so sorry.
How can you be his age and still be so immature. Sorry OP, find someone that will treat you with respect.
First of all, are you sure he didnt end up in the hospital or somehow become unresponsive from no fault of his own?
If you ruled anything like that out, than he is an absolute shitbag. I cant in my wildest dreams imagine a 44 year old man not being responsive to what you sent him and AT LEAST giving you the decency of a reply. This seems so crazy to me as a 36 year old man.
I honestly dont think you did ANYTHING wrong. Hopefully this doesnt change your attitude towards men and commitment, because that would be the real tragedy.
What a child. Sorry that happened to you. A two word text saying not interested would have been better than nothing. Coward
I’m so sorry he’s ghosting you, there is no excuse for that. One thing though is that text message isn’t probably the best method for having a relationship conversation. Please don’t take what I’m saying as a criticism, but if you had dinner already planned the next day, that might have been a better time to bring it up so you could have the conversation in person.
My advice now is to move on. Even if he replied at this point, why would you want to be with someone who can’t be bothered to respond to you. You didn’t do anything wrong and deserve so much better than this.
A 44 year old man who has the ability to completely ghost someone they’ve been intimate with for 6 months has a screw loose. Seriously ill behavior that you will one day look back on in gratitude for not wasting a second more of your time on. Until then, take all the time you need to heal.
Time for you to move on. If he didn’t text you back in couple of days oh lord don’t put yourself out for him there is no excuse for that.
Whether or not you rushed is really irrelevant. You should be happy that you asked the question and he showed his true colors upfront. good on you, BTW—If you don’t ask you don’t get.
Someone who ghosts you is not a quality person. It shouldn’t matter whether or not you rush them—their integrity was shit when you got there.
Some people are just terrible human beings. I dated a guy who ghosted me after a 3 year relationship. You’d think time and your history will be enough for them to respect you and notify you they lost interest but it’s not. I hope you’d heal the soonest.
I’d say he found someone else. That’s why he’s online and won’t talk to you. Not being mean. Jus saying my opinion…sorry this happen to you…btw I wish I found a girl that was into me like u were into him.
I’m so sorry girl, you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s a legit question for dating someone for 6 months. He is an asshole.
Oh honey come here *Virtual hug* I went Thru the same thing in February and what made it worse was that I was off of work and the struggle not to call was real. After no talking for a month I gave up and tried to move on and was doing that, then he replied to me and threw right back into square 1. Ours was the same, dated for a bit but we were incompatible sexually so we decided to be good friends and got really close, than he dates someone new and ghosts me. What sucks is I was starting to fall for him again and was like a week away from asking him out and seeing if he was willing to give it a try. He wasn’t. Just remember how he acted with ghosting you. Remember how he left you hanging when you asked an important question. That emotional immaturity and disregard for your feelings is NOT what you want from a partner.
Again im so sorry, I really sympathize with you as someone who went Thru the same thing. Now cry it out, get mad that you wasted your time and emotional energy on this, cry a bit more than go get drunk with a friend who makes you laugh and forget all about him. It’s been a few months for me and I didn’t think about him until I read this post. A broken heart will heal with time and self love.
No answer is an answer. Sorry he’s an piece of shit but block him and everything you feel like you want to say to him from now on just write down in a notebook possibly burn it later when you are ready.
Many folks find release like that carthartic.
Asking where you are six months in doesn’t seem very much of a hurry to most at your ages. You didn’t do anything wrong in asking, and after you did your anxiety just got the best of you.
It’s okay just let him go.