I’m in my early 30s and have this deep underlying fear people don’t like me. It’s not like people ignore me, quite the opposite, I’m pretty social and outgoing. This deep fear makes me super charismatic and sometimes over the top because I feel like I’m over compensating. I have been told by many I’m one of the funniest people they know. Sure it’s a compliment, but then I feel like a novelty act to people.I read a ton of books because deep down I think being well read may make me more interesting and people will like me better.

I have a core friend group since I was in my preteens and been in their weddings, yet I still feel like the only reason they are friends with me is because of the history we have.

I just had a going away happy hour as I was leaving the company and a bunch of coworkers came out, even ones that no longer work at the company. Even with the turnout I feel they just came because it was an excuse for everyone to get together and if it came down to something more personal and intimate these people wouldn’t invite me, like a dinner party. When I hear stories about my coworkers got together and didn’t invite me it kills me.That thought process can also be contradicting because I got invited to some of my coworkers weddings, but even with that I felt they invited me because if they invited my other team members they would have to invite me. My girlfriend says it’s nonsense because all the coworkers would always talk me up to her in a positive way.

Is this something people go through? Do you think it’s all in my head? I know for a long time I lived by “wanting to be invited to the party and not actually going” mantra which I think hurt some of my relationships for s while

12 comments

  1. It seems like you have no problem making friends, I think you problem is that you dont have any friends that you like. I’m pretty sure that because you dont like them you think that they dont like you. You need to find new friends.

  2. From reading this, it seems you lack self esteem and have some kind of imposter syndrome. It sounds a lot like you not liking yourself and are trying to convince yourself that your social success is not well deserved, when it is well deserved ! You see yourself as backup option to everybody when actually you aren’t. Don’t fall into this negative thinking. It trains you to become needy overtime. Also, I encourage you to read this on other reasons you might believe people dislike you and how to get out of your head: https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/trlexh/how_to_avoid_being_needy_or_stop_being_needy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

  4. It sounds like you are projecting your own thoughts about yourself onto those around you. These negative thoughts are called cognitive distortions. Your brain does that to validate your negative thoughts about yourself. Once you have a belief about yourself (ex. I am not enjoyable to be around), your brain will take any experience and twist your thoughts to confirm that, whether it is actually true or not. It sounds like you are a friendly and fun person to be around, don’t let those thoughts ruin your positive experiences. I struggle with this too, so I know it’s easier said than done. But therapy can be really helpful and even googling a cognitive distortion worksheet or looking up YouTube videos can help you to understand your thinking a bit better. Wishing you all the best my friend, be kind to yourself. 🙂

  5. it may be that because you’re always actively “overcompensating” you feel you don’t deserve the friends you have because you feel like you’re not showing your authentic self to your friends. kind of like the imposter syndrome comment – perhaps you feel like an “imposter” since u don’t truly believe ur friends know the real u and ur worried of them seeing the real u because u feel it’s not good enough. since u have such well established friendships, i would try to slowly calm down with the overcompensation and over time allow ur friends to see the real u that u r comfortable being and who u truly are. it sounds to me like ur friends do truly like u and care about u. and if they’re ur real friends and they know u for this long, they will still like u once u show them ur true self ur comfortable being. i’m sure ur a very nice person at ur core, and i hope u see this too and develop a level of comfort in sharing that with others. i’m sure ur friends will certainly appreciate seeing the real u and they will be able to see the good in u too

    once u become true friends with someone, ur value is more because u r simply that persons friend. ur value isn’t always based on how much u can make them laugh or how cool u seem. true friends will value u because ur their friend and they care about u. that’s it. trust me, i’ve been through a similar situation of revealing my true self to my friends and if anything, ur real friends appreciate u more after ur willing to be real with them

  7. Well to be honest, I don’t like you, and I’ve never met you nor have I ever spoken to you. I only don’t like you simply because you would not like me, based on evidence that nobody actually likes me. My point is that this is okay, two negatives come out positive, logically and mathematically unless adding more problems.
    You’re probably a good hearted human, like the majority of us here on earth, but the earth isn’t what it was. I know this because Apple doesn’t even auto capitalize our home, earth, but will for their own creator, Apple.

  8. Two really universal insecurities, not being enough and not being loveable.

    It’s a very human experience.

  9. Everyone feels this way sometimes. It’s okay if some ppl don’t like you. You can’t please everyone in the world. Even the most loveable person in the world, someone would hate

  10. you sound like an older version of me and its worrying to hear that this feeling might not just go away

  11. I had the same for a while. It was at a time where I made an active effort to become more outgoing and likeable than my true self. This lead to me making lots of superficial friendships, but at the same time feeling like an act. Whenever someone liked me, I knew they only liked the person I pretended to be.

    Thankfully, I have met a girl and now wife, that truly loves me for who I am, I don’t have to pretend to be funny or outgoing, and this is all I need. Now I can afford to not be liked by everyone I meet

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