This is a continuation of [This Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/comments/uuxnyb/ive_finally_admitted_to_myself_im_a_lesbian_how/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share), but since this is a different sub, I’ll summarize.
I was questioning my sexuality for 3 months prior to my coming out to him, I wanted the best for him and didn’t know how to approach it, so I posted on r/actuallesbians and they helped me on how to do it.
\– Now onto the actual post! —
So I came out to him as a lesbian, and it went… meh.
So we were just talking and without thinking too much about it, I just blurted it out so i didn’t have to deal with it. at first he didn’t understand that I was breaking up with him, so he just said “that’s cool”
after like 3 seconds of silence it hit him, and he was actually really chill about it, which wasn’t what I was expecting to be honest.
He said it might hurt him a bit but that he needs to accept it, and I said that I’ll be their for him if he needs it, just as a friend.
after a while of talking, he left. The next day we talked about it over text, but I’ve been noticing his status’ (we text on discord since its easier for both of us, a discord status is just like 1 sentence that appears under your username in discord) saying some really sad stuff, stuff like “I should’ve been better”, and “It’s my fault”.
I feel like I really hurt him, but I asked him about it over text and he said he was fine. I can’t help but feel like he’s trying to force himself to stay friends with me, I feel like he needs some space but I don’t want to flat out stop him from messaging me.
I honestly don’t know what to do, I only want the best for him but I’m unsure how to approach it. I understand he probably doesn’t wanna discuss his breakup with his ex, but I feel like I kind of left him in the dark. I don’t know if he has a support system he can talk to about this, and I really don’t want him to get hurt, but I also feel like whenever he’s talking to me he’s unhappy.
This isn’t the first time we broke up, we broke up abt 5 months ago and got back together 4 months ago, but he said to me that in that time he broke down crying multiple times over loosing me.
I have no idea how to approach this. what should I tell him? what do I do?
TLDR; I came out to my boyfriend as a lesbian and he isn’t taking it well.
EDIT: I know I should give him space, but he’s the one messaging me, I don’t want to ignore him, but I don’t want him to be miserable
5 comments
I think he needs a little space first after you talk to him. He needs to fully process what’s happened ya know? He’s gotta let it all out and then you can converse with him.
I find it very caring that you worry about him, but honestly, you cannot always be there to help him. He also has to help himself, you’re not responsible for his mental well being.
It’s like that joke you hear people say where they turn their SO gay. He feels like he could have contributed you to becoming a lesbian. Yeah I know it’s not a choice, but to him it is a real gut punch in the confidence. I think you should distance yourself from him at least for a time.
Not your problem but his. He’ll ask questions like “Did I turn her lesbian” but those questions he has to discover the answer for himself.
Don’t talk to him. You’re only hindering his healing process. Sucks at first but it’s really the only way.
You are not responsible for his feelings. He is entitled to feel whatever it is he’s feeling and there’s nothing you can do about it. It is not your job to make himself feel better, to rebuild his self esteem, to mend his broken heart etc. He will need to learn self coping mechanisms as break ups are common in life. Disappointment is common in life.
Your sexuality has NOTHING to do with him and what he did or didn’t do. You can, if you choose to, have a candid discussion about how you realized you’re a lesbian and assure him it’s not because he did anything wrong or because he didn’t do something. Explain to him that you’re sad he’s hurt but that you can’t be in a relationship with someone you’re not attracted to gender wise.
You can also give him space to heal. Talking to him constantly might give him the false impression that you could change your mind like you had 4 months ago. Tell him that you’re giving him space for a few months but that you are open to chatting if he has any questions but that you need this space.