Hi guys just going to jump right into it. I apologies for the lengthy story
I’m 28F and he’s 30M. We have been friends for just over year and we both consider each other a close friend.
On a fateful night out last year we ended up sleeping together. That night I stayed the night and I slept on the couch and him in the bedroom (crucial to the story).
Our friendship didn’t change but I started to develop feelings for him and so I told him around November after I saw him kiss another girl at a party. I told him I value our friendship more than my feelings towards him and would hate to lose him as a friend. He turned me down and said I was just a best friend to him. We moved on and there are no hard feelings – we still hang out , text , be there for each other when we are down and just still friends . He would tell me about the girls he was casually seeing all that.
We ended up sleeping together a couple times since I confessed. A bit of a FWB situation but not a booty call. After we would do the deed I would get dressed say goodbye he would tell me to text him when I’m home and we would part ways no kiss, no cuddle, no sleepovers or no hugs. I would leave regardless how late it is.
Recently after we slept together he kissed me goodbye before I left odd but I didn’t read too much to it.
Last week he had lost a major job opportunity and so I decided to take him out to take his mind off of things. He invited his family (similar age) and we went bar hopping. As the night came to the end he was texting another girl who had just turned his booty call down and so he asked if he wanted to head back with him so I did.
We got back to his and I told him I was only there to make sure he was okay and It’s okay if he isn’t and I would be there for him – he said he wasn’t and so I gave him a hug. He then asked “I’m heading off to bed are you going to join me or head home?”. (It was only 1030?) I spent the night in bed with him(I assumed he wanted me to?! I think). Nothing happened that night (well we tried but we were both too tired and knocked out)
The next morning – I couldn’t help but notice the awkwardness he barely said anything to me just a quick “good morning” “are you feeling okay” “you got anything else on today?”. I grabbed my things and told him I was going home – no hug goodbye no text me when your home nothing. He just watched me walk out of the door.
I’m confused because he kissed me after a night, asked me to spend the night but is now completely awkward – did I mess things up or is our friendship changing ?
TLDR- close friends turned FWB. We never kiss after doing it we never spend the night but recently he kissed me after and asked me to spend the night and then was totally awkward about. Did I mess things up or is something changing ?
Thanks for your advice !
3 comments
This sounds really painful, and I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
Listen, you’re not really FWB. FWB is a mutual arrangement where friends have sex repeatedly be ause they both like having sex and there are no romantic feelings involved. It should be easy, with no obligation or question marks. You’re sleeping with a guy you have feelings for, who has in no uncertain terms told you he doesn’t want you romantically, and treats you coldly like a quick fuck whenever it happens. This is a very mad idea and isnt serving your needs.
You have romantic feelings for this guy, and told him. He CLEARLY does not reciprocate them – he has had plenty of chances to tell you if he feels the same. He is not going to reciprocate your feelings and you need to accept that.
In order to move on from an unrequited crush people usually need space, and sometimes ig changes your friendship anyway, no matter what you do. The absolute last thing anyone should do is pretend everything’s still the same and start sleeping together. That’s how feelings get more complicated and more confused and people get more hurt. Abd friendships get more complicated. Yes, it was a very bad idea.
The way he is treating the sex between you is cold and clinical like a one night stand that has to leave ASAP- are you happy with being treated in this harassed way? It seems incredibly awkward and unfriendly. It sounds so awkward, that I wonder why do you keep having sex with him? I think that you are hoping that if you keep sleeping with him that he will catch feelings, but the only think that will hspoen is your feelings will become harder to ignore. For some people like your buddy, sex us just fucking, it’s not making love. And right now, he will never want to make love with you.
Honestly? I dont think you are close friends any more, and yes, you having feelings for him and sleeping with him repeatedly has changed things. I think he’s shut off from you emotionally because he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings and doesn’t know what to do about it. So he treats things cold and clinical because he can SEE that you’re still craving more than friendship, whatever you say.
I also think he shouldn’t be sleeping with you at all since you hane feelings for him – a FWB situation can never end well when one person has feels and the other doesn’t. I’d even go as far as saying he is taking advantage of you having feelings for him and offering it up to score some casual sex. He knew you have feelings for him and should never have slept with you – he was not feing your friend when he did that.
I think your friendship will never be what it was; you guys introduced both unreciprocated feelings and aex into it, and both of these things can change or even ruin a friendship. That’s just how it is – nobody’s fault. Things change. In trying to keep thing the same you’ve only made it worse for yourself,
Stop having sex with someone you have unreciprocated feelings with, it will only end badly. I mean this with kindness, you need to give yourself space (go low contact for a while – however long it takes) to actually move on from him rather than following him around like a lovelorn puppy dog waiting for the scraps from his table then wondering why he treats you like a one night stand when you are not a girlfriend. Get some distance and make new friends.
You’ve only been friends for a year and much of that time has been taken up by your feelings and this drama – if you don’t truly get slne distance and get on top of your feelings for him there won’t be any friendship left bevayse your entire relationship with each other will become this empty sham of a friendship.
You deserve actual love. And actual friendship. Not hanging on for someone who treats you like a stranger when you fuck.
yeah having sex will do that
Do you want him as a friend or as something more? Because it sounds like you’re wanting to escalate this beyond friendship. Unfortunately, it also looks like you haven’t set any boundaries in place and are sort of awkwardly pawing at each other. In which case: figure out what you want from him, lay it out, and see if he feels the same as you and wants to commit. If not…yeah, I don’t see this…situation, whatever it is…turning back into a regular, platonic friendship anytime soon, and you should keep your distance from each other.