So as the title says, I’ve been celibate in a relationship for over a year. We have been together for about 2 years now. The first year started out hot and heavy, but I had issues with performing. I was severely addicted to pornography and it made it almost impossible for me to perform in any type of physical way. I could tell she was into me back then though cause we always tried anyways. After a while though, things dwindled down to us not even making out anymore. No sexual contact whatsoever basically. I blame myself for it completely and utterly. I just feel like a blew it with her and I’m trying to figure out why she still wants to be with me after all this time. My mind always immediately goes to her being with other guys without my knowledge.
We fight about it often and she always tells me that it’s not me but her “getting older” (she is 37, not very old by any means) or she will say she just “feels gross”. She then apologizes and sometimes thanks me for staying in the relationship. But sometimes she will also tell me “You don’t have to date me” when I get upset with her about pretty much anything. I’m just so confused as to what to do at this point. I really care about her still but I feel so extremely inadequate because I feel like I’m not good enough to be with her sexually. Maybe it’s low libido and I’m just overreacting. I’m not sure what to think anymore.
Just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar or honestly just advice from anyone on what to do? I can’t really talk about it with her without her getting upset and telling me the same rhetoric that “It’s not you. It’s me. Why don’t you believe me?”
I’ll appreciate anything at this point. Thank you
Tl;dr: No sex in a long time because of my own issues. Girlfriend is now no longer into it and I can’t bring her back to how things used to be.
7 comments
Are you still watching porn? If so, stop.
Open for any tantric course Together. To find your intimacy again and be in your body instead of your head.
Ger away from all thoughts about performance and expectations?
I wasn’t in a sexless relationship, but a very diminished one. I was with her for 5 years and near the end I was lucky if it was once a month.
She cited similar reasons to your girl with the undertone being “get used to it”.
Here’s how I fixed it… I got me a new woman.
You’re not married, you don’t have kids. She’s right, you don’t have to date her.
Just consider that this is 2 years into your relationship, if it’s sexless now, it’ll be sexless in 5, 10, 20 years time (unless you both have some sex therapy or similar).
I loved my ex, but sexually we weren’t compatible.
I was 30 when this happened so we’re similar in that way too.
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ETA We didn’t break up due to lack of sex, she moved continents for work and I didn’t move with her. We tried LD for a while but it didn’t work out for us.
If you want/ need sex to be part of your relationship, then you should have it.
If that is the case, you need to communicate that. It isn’t right to make yourself miserable by accepting a life you don’t want.
My exwife was very uninterested in sex, and I accepted it for a number of years, happening maybe two to three times a year. It was horrible. It had a profoundly negative impact on my brain and life. I was miserable but accepted it, and there was no reason for me to accept that, especially considering how things ended.
You don’t need to pose it as an ultimatum but you can say “this is important to me, and something I need in a relationship.” There is nothing shameful or perverted about saying that.
If she is willing to work on it on her end, that is good. If she says “I don’t need that in my life” then you two aren’t compatible. You can love and care about somebody, you can respect them, and not be compatible.
Is she aware that your issues with performing were / are linked to porn addiction and not to her ?
I think that’s a very important topic that needs to be discussed because, since she was different at the beginning, as others have said it, it’s possible she took a confidence hit.
So I repeat other comments from here, try to communicate on it, with a lot of patience.
It is very possible that your addiction to pornography and inability to perform as a result has caused her lots of trauma. I just got out of a relationship with a man in this same situation, and it really messes with your head as the person’s partner. I think you both need to seek individual and couples counseling and work on rebuilding trust, love, and intimacy with one another.
It’s important for a partner to feel like they are desired and attractive in a way that is different from sex and “I want to put my dick in you”.
New relationship. Yours has withered.