So my wife had a male friend at work that ended up texting her while we where on our way to a football game where we where meeting him and a few other co workers, he texted hey (his nick name for her ) I brought u some beers. They both like to drink he’s an alcoholic. I was upset and confronted her and of course was told its not like that. I then explained to her my issue with him to her and she listened but then he texted her while we where on the couch a few months later. It was a bout work drama but she proceeded to text him and say stop texting me which I saw. After that she was super protective over her phone and deleted all texts not just his but if you opened the app it was blank. I thought this was an issue so I brought it up. I don’t ever go threw her stuff until this started I used to trust her Like no other. Then she would say he wasn’t at these little conventions they had for work so I’d join her only to see him there. He wouldn’t look at her or say anything. A few years ago she had a hotel party at a large hotel and of course she said he wasn’t there. The day I arrived I saw him as he passed and he said hi to her mother while explaining last nights party was off the charts. ( my wife didn’t talk to me after about 5 the night of the party as I called and texted I got nothing till the next morning.) I confronted her about it and she got pissed. And said just because he’s somewhere doesn’t mean she spoke to him. So I’m supposed to believe she didn’t speak to her (friend) at a two room hotel party with kareoke and all that. So I still have trust issues and we did counseling which helped me and I still want that trust back. The thing is I’ll never know what happened that night and she’s never backed down from her stance. I just can’t believe they where not hanging out and why no call? I was watching our daughter. Also my wife is the type to always have to say goodnight no matter what. She seemed so off that day I showed up to the conference and her mom also was talking about how he was funny when they went to another conference her mom had attended. I never said anything or asked questions to her mom I just was in disbelief. It makes me so sad thinking about that night and its worse I’ll never know. She told me not to call him for the issue of him being stuck up and will start shit. So I never did ( this was years ago) now a days I would for sure. I used to keep everything inside and never speak my mind now after councling I’ve been a lot better in life being able to express myself. I’m at the point I want to put my hand on him for disrespecting me and then I think ……she gave him her number , she let this happen . so I’m just stuck in this shit mood and I’m tired of it. I’m just looking for some advise or help. I’m scheduled for a therapist at least I did that so I had someone to tell the story and explain things. She’s said sorry for the situation but that she’s not saying she’s sorry for something she didn’t do. Its just looks so black and white to me that there was an emotional and hopefully nothing else affair.
Edit: spelling
8 comments
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I think it’s inappropriate for a woman to drink with a male. I’ve had male coworkers, I only texted for work related stuff and maybe the occasional happy birthday and congrats on the kid being born. Any other social interaction beyond that I always involved my husband, for example inviting them to dinner in our home and making sure to have my husbands permission and his presence there. Never once did I ever drink with a male coworker and definitely not alone. It’s suspicious that she is deleting texts. If anyone ever sends me something inappropriate I show my husband immediately and show him that I’ve blocked the number.
Here is what you do. Start a process called 180, essentially only speaking to your wife about your daughter, nothing else. Be distant, start hanging out with friends, and get into a hobby. Start to workout, drink plenty of fluids, and eat better, if you are not already doing these things. Go get an std test and leave the pamphlet where she can find it. Then do a dna test on your daughter. All of this may sound extreme, but it plays a role in reverse psychology. When she confronts you, about these tests and pamphlets, make sure she understands, you believe she is lying and name all actions that prove she is acting untrustworthy, and you are protecting yourself. Also, go speak with a few divorce attorneys to see what that looks like. Possibly leave a few cards out. If she thinks you will follow through, she may leave, but the reality is, from what you described she already has one foot out the door. You need to prepare yourself for what could have already happened, and she may have cheated on you.
Block and delete his number and no more partying at hotels with no contact until the next day.
I guess I’m just worried once she goes back to work there will be opportunitys and I’m just scared to fully trust and forget in fear it could happen again. She has been a crush since high school and I love her so much this situation has age and it still hurts me which is nuts. I would think I could get over it. What’s good ways for her to build trust back?
Time to start the 180. This will make you less clingy while at the same time get you ready for the “I love you, just not in love with you” speech. it’s surprising that when you start to pull away, and be your own man, they start to chase you. Good luck
The way you explain the situation it sounds like she had some sort of emotional affair with this guy. It sounds like it could be a fling with a coworker too that just wound up ending whether bc of Covid or something else.
But, I gotta say man, that hotel party is sketchy as hell. Why were you not invited? And why are grown people partying in two hotel rooms like they’re teenagers?
I think there’s been a good bit of gaslighting from her. The deleted texts are huge red flag. However if she’s no longer in contact with this guy you can do your counseling, strengthen your marriage and stop dwelling on this. You have to make a decision to let this go bc it’s going to eat you and your marriage up. If you decide not to let this go until you know “the truth” then get ready to severely damage your marriage because she’s never going to admit to anything.
Honestly, here is the thing. If we wanted to ease your fears, she would. Faithful people dont have anything to hide. If I was in your situation, I would assume the worst…and take appropriate action. Not exactly for suspecting something wrong happening, but for the fact that my partner is being shady as shit, hiding communications from a person that shes being too flirty with. She straight up lied to you about the party. Do you think a faithful, loving spouse would do that shit ? My ex did this, and I dumped her right before the wedding. I havent looked back and feel good as fuck waking up every morning to my dignity and self respect. tbh, maybe unpopular opinion but i’ll say it, fuck cheaters