This guy that I am seeing has been really nice and great, but in the back of mind, I always question his actions and wonder if I’m getting played. It’s always small things, like yesterday he texted me goodnight at 11pm when he usually sleeps at 12am so my brain told me that he might be talking to someone else. I know it’s probably not the case so I ignore most of these types of thoughts. It gets exhausting though. When I went to his place, it was so well put together that my brain started assuming a woman lived here too and that she might be on vacation. Again, I have to just ignore the thought. We have only been seeing each other for quite a short amount of time, but I have already grown attached to him. I have the urge to want to be with him or on the phone with him 24/7, but obviously I know I can’t ask that because it’s inappropriate and bad. I feel like I’ve gotten so attached that I will end up getting hurt. I try to keep normal distance and not rush into things. Today we are spending around 5h together and I just feel like it’s not enough. Realistically, it is more than a lot of time, but I know I could spend much longer with him. I guess I’m just trying to ask how to get over these feelings. I’ve been pretty good about not acting out on them, but it’s so exhausting managing these feelings.
4 comments
See a psychologist. I am sure they can sort this out in 6-8 sessions.
You can also check out YouTube resources, the personal development school by Thais Gibson might be helpful. It definitely sounds like you have anxious-preoccupied tendencies, she has some great videos deep diving into the root causes of this attachment style (often due to being emotionally abandoned by a caregiver in your childhood), and some helpful tips on how to start healing yourself.
Some people call psychologist therapist, ideally someone who is a registered psychologist there are tricks to deal with this sort of thing and it’s pretty effective. And there are a many books out there to help with this if you wanna do it by yourself.
I can help recommend and give advice to your situation:
1. I would really recommend therapy to you to help with your anxiety and instrusive thoughts. You don’t want to be in constant worry and fearfulness all the time. This can also led to issues in a relationship If you’re constantly anxious from not hearing from a partner or overthinking/over analyzing every little detail. Such as the time he goes to bed might vary. He’s not gonna go to bed at 12am on the dot every single night. Texting 24/7 is not healthy.
2. I would also recommend you attend a codependent anonymous group. It’s like an AA meeting but for codependency, you meet 1-2 times a month and you can hear other peoples stories and issues. My friend has been to it before and she said it helped, along with therapy.
3. You need to detach yourself, as this is really unhealthy. He’s not your boyfriend, you’re both single and can see and talk to whoever you want. He’s *probably* talking to other women because he’s not obligated to you until you have a chat to define the relationship/be exclusive, which is down the road right now. You are going to drive yourself nuts and come off overwhelming to him if you don’t get your anxiety in check. You and him are still getting to know each other. Which means you may or may not be a good match yet. And you may or may not get into a relationship with this guy so take it one day at a time. Spending 5+ hours on a date definitely is *enough.* You don’t want to overdo it and him get bored. Again this guy isn’t your bf so don’t treat him like one, don’t put him on a pedestal. You don’t need to have long dates every time. Always end the date a little earlier than you want to in the beginning. This attachment/anxiety can ruin your future relationships if you don’t get it under control mentally. Which you will need help with by the therapy. Possibly seeking a doctor for medication, but our minds are stronger than you think and it sounds like this is mostly linked to anxiety. Which you may or may not need do seek a psychologist.