This will be long I think, I apologize in advance. I have to explain some backstory. I am a 22M who just graduated college and lives at home. My step dad is a toxic, selfish, and manipulative person who has caused me many traumatic incidents in the past. We always butted heads for a bit, even before this big incident, and this is my third time getting “kicked” out from home in the past 4 years, but this one seems to be as serious.
So last night, my parents wanted me to break up with my girlfriend (21 F) because they believed that she is not good for me and that she is bringing me down. They wanted me to just end it and cut it off, but i did not want to. I wanted to be with her because our relationship is healthy, we are similar people who have similar interests, and yeah we might not be the outgoing couple but we are similar and do what we like to do. They didn’t like that and thought that she turned me into a liar, a bad person who will forever be lazy and average, and who changed after meeting her. I personally don’t think I’ve changed for the worst but for the better, as she helped me realized so much about myself, even about my situation which I’ll get into later.
I will admit that I did cause this upon myself, because on Saturday, I lied to my parents to say that I was with brunch with some friends and that I was driving there (I have had my license since I was 19 and i drive everywhere now). To clarify, I live an hour and a half away from her. They never let me drive to her because they think its dangerous even though I’ve driven there before perfectly fine and not in my car. (I worked for a car dealership and it was a customer car I was delivering.) So I had to lie and tell them that I was going to brunch, because as an adult I didn’t want to have to keep asking them to do something or go somewhere, as an adult. For the past couple of years, I’ve always had to life about myself in order to keep up an image to keep my parents off my pack. My interests that I really like have always been hidden, and I’ve even had to hide what I am doing with her because they don’t like her at all.
They figured out the lie already and when I got home Saturday night they started asking me where i was, and then when I told them my step dad went ballistic. He took my keys, watch, and phone back, and told me I had 15 minutes to pack up my stuff and leave. I went downstairs to pack, and during that time, he took my phone, unlocked it using my face ID, and called my girlfriend saying some hurtful shit, telling her to stay away from me and that she’s no good. I didn’t realize this until last night when my girlfriend told me over the phone that he did that. I only knew that he then pretended to be me, and say “I just got kicked out!” and can I stay with you? Hello?” To get a response from her. She figured it out it wasn’t him based on the way he was typing, and but offered some texts back just to be sure. He used this against me, saying if she really cared, she would have been blowing up my phone and asking if I was okay. She had one of our friends call my phone again and I was able to barely respond because my step dad let me respond back to her. He took back my phone and then asked if we could call my girlfriend to ask her what she thinks about me. I said that thats my business and that this dosent apply to you. He kicked me out and I left, but not before he drove down the street I was on to get my mother because he wanted her to leave with me. He always uses her as leverage with me to get rid of me, because he knows that if I go, she goes, either because I’m her son and she wants to take care of me or what. I never asked her to do that, and she mainly takes my step dads ideas anyway.
On Saturday night, i was lectured for 2 hours about why I should not be with my girlfriend, and he started comparing my situation to other family members, saying that I’m going to end up pregnant or in bad relationship situations just like them. I went to bed later because it was late at night.
Sunday rolls around, I’m given my phone back for now. I contact my gf in secret and let her know whats going on. We pretend to do family stuff at home. Night time rolls around, me and my girlfriend agree to talk about what happened. She told me about what my step dad did to her on Saturday night. and how he called her to basically call her names and curse her out and tell her to stay away from me. She was shaking and panicking and didn’t know what to do, so she told her dad and friends about the situation. She also told me how my situation has been normalized and how I was used to this whole getting kicked out thing, and that when i realized that she was right, and I did think that this was too normal. She offered me to stay with her mom in a different state. which isn’t too far to where i am now. Before our talk on Sunday, I even had another friend tell me that I should leave too, as that my family is extremely toxic and manipulative. Step dad kept coming downstairs telling me to just end the relationship with her. He went back upstairs and told me to hand back the phone to him in a minute. I texted her that I wanted to leave, contact her mom, saying that I won’t have my phone for much longer. I went upstairs and had to give the phone to him. He asked me if I was gonna stay with her or break up with her, I said I wanted to stay because I didn’t like how I was being forced to choose my relationship over them. He said that I will be leaving by 6pm later that day, and that i had to give my phone and laptop to them. I had no choice because if I didn’t it would have gotten violent as I have been choked by my step dad before, when I was defending my mother.
Speaking of my mother, she felt offended and betrayed that I was choosing my girlfriend over family, and wanted me out, immediately. I tried to get some stuff and books that I could, and be out on my way. They stopped me before I left to talk to me again and ask me questions, like why am I’m doing this and I’m gonna mess up my life. I didn’t ask say much before they opened up the door again and they just kept saying a lot that I didn’t remember, all I know is that I said that this is toxic and not normal.
I walked to the police station, which is about 2 miles, in the dark. I just asked if I could use a phone and I explained that I was kicked out and homeless. An officer came out and wanted to hear what I had to say. I told him I was honest with him, that I was kicked out because I was choosing my healthy relationship with my girlfriend, and my parents didn’t like that, and they kicked me out. I told him about what I did on Saturday as well. He let me use the office work iPhone, so I contacted my girlfriend to let her know I was okay. She helped me set up my new debit card so I could use money on it cause I literally just got it on Saturday. I told her my plan was to go to the atm and find a hotel, and the officer were willing to help me do both of those things. Another officer came in, and I told them my whole story about my girlfriend, and my parents over the past 4 years. They were understanding and seemed to be on my side. They offered to contact the other police department, the one in my district, to handle my situation because I walked to the wrong department, but they still had to report it. I told my girlfriend what was going on and the other officers came. Told them what was going on, they seemed understanding too, and they asked me if I had a phone or anything. I told them I didn’t, so they were willing to help me go back home to at least get my phone and laptop, because even though my phone bill and my phone is paid by my dad, I guess its still my property technically, same thing with the laptop that was a gift from them.
The police take me home, discuss the situation with my parents. They say that they are legally not allowed to kick me out since I’ve been a resident there for longer than 30 days, and that I also need my phone and laptop back. My stepdad reluctantly gives them back to me, but he was quick to cooperate with the officers and say how I’m doing wrong by myself. The officers tell him that kicking me out and changing the locks to the doors could lead to an arrest, since I still am a resident here still. My dad smiles and says ok and he wouldn’t mind being arrested. Mom says nothing, I leave with the officers. Even they tell me that my step dad is difficult, and the situation is not right here. They ask if I had money on me, and I said I do on my cards and some cash. They offer to drive me to a nearby hotel which was in a safer area. One officer, bless his heart, even paid for my hotel, which he did not have to do at all.
I tell my girlfriend I have my phone back, we talk about everything. I tell her that I plan to stay with her mother in a different state, and she helps me make a plan about what I’m going to do for (today). I get some rest. This morning I woke up to a bunch of missed calls and messages from my parents, asking me if I’m ok and that they love me. My stepdad mentions that we need to talk about my mothers health, and not anything else. My mom messaged if she wants her to come and get me, and that she just wants me safe and at home.
A part of me feels guilty, because my mom is getting sick with a while bunch of headaches daily and is on medication. I honestly love my mom, and I feel that I am adding to her stress, but at the same time, I think I have to take care of myself first. I don’t know what to do. I plan on leaving somehow to go to my gfs moms house since she offered to stay, but I don’t know if I should go home, even if my birth certificate and passport, and social is there.
TL:DR; parents kicked me out because I chose my relationship over them. Went to police station to just make a call, somehow got my phone, laptop, and a hotel room. Now wondering what to do next?
EDIT: Update, Made it to GFs moms house! Talked to mom before I left, we had a discussion about everything, made me almost reconsider. Packed up bag and left anyway. Mom is shocked and sad, told grandma about the number change and what I was doing. No contact with step dad or mom for now. Will be making a plan of how to move forward. soon. Update post soon as well.
42 comments
So the main thing you need to think about his how to not be homeless. You said you could go to your girlfriend’s mom’s house?
Can you go make nice with them just long enough to get your documents?
Wow OP, firstly, I am sorry you’re having to deal with this emotional rollercoaster of a situation. Secondly, I commend you for your steadfast mindset and standing up to your parents.
It sounds like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders and that your girlfriend has done a lot of good for you and helped you evaluate the situation you are faced with.
Personally, I think you need to work out alternative living arrangement for your long term mental health. You can care about your mum and still help there if she is willing but separately, away from your step dad.
As you correctly identified, you are an adult now and you deserve to make the decisions on your romantic life and that is no one else’s business unless it was perhaps a genuine intervention due to you being in a bad situation that people who love you can see getting worse(which definitely doesn’t sound like the case here).
You do need to get those documents but I would perhaps do it via the police, so there is less risk of your step dad playing the power trip. The police will also help you get your documents undamaged. You can explain they were extremely helpful and you are making a decision to put yourself in a better place for now where you’re not going to be put in this situation every other day or assaulted verbally/physically.
I know you care about your mum but you can’t do that at your own expense.
you owe them nothing, your mom picked your stepdad over you so your priority must be to make sure you are safe. go to your gfs mum and make sure your family don’t know where you are. its better to hold your mum at arms length as they will blame you for her health problems which are absolutely not your fault and no excuse to treat you the way they do, they might realise that with some distance.
I think the sub “raised by narcissists” has an FAQ on the side bar about what to do in your situation.
Getting your documents is a priority.
Get the hell out of that house. Maybe get an apartment with your girlfriend, but you’re 22 and your parents are running your life. Time to ho
You can get copies of your birth certificate and social security card and get a replacement passport no problem. Honestly, I get your mother’s health thing, but she is an adult and she has made this choice for herself. You need to choose YOURSELF right now.
Make sure your parents don’t have access to drain your bank accounts.
You’re a 22 year old college graduate. This should be the very last time they have an opportunity to kick you out. It’s time to cut the cord and not return to their home.
Do not go back to the house without a police officer!
Mom doesn’t keep you safe at home, do not go back!! Do not fall for she needs you there for her health, she doesn’t care if her husband verbally abuses you!!
Go to GF’s mom’s house and get a job.
When you say dad pays for your phone, is that your dad or stepdad?
You graduated college, get a job and move on and stay safe!!
GF sounds like a great person.
He choked you. The next time he could kill you.
Document everything, starting with what you can remember (with dates if possible), and include the police report and this post.
Do. Not. Go. Back. You are in danger there. Yes, you have to take care of yourself first. If your mom wants to get out you can help her, but you can’t help her if you’re dead.
Jesus Christ. I don’t know what you can do besides ask your girlfriend’s parents to let you stay for a few days, and ask a women’s shelter for help. Even if they are only allowed to serve women, there HAS to be a way to help you.
Go back to the police station, explain, and ask what they suggest.
You were really, really smart to go there, and obviously they believed you and really wanted to help. They might have ideas.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Stay safe
I read that he choked you at one point while you were “defending your mother”. I hate to sound insensitive, but why do you even care about what he does to her? It is entirely her fault you and her are in this situation. I think you need to get out of there, get yourself stable, and cut her the hell out unless she promises that he is out of the picture.
This is just more manipulation your parents suck.
don’t go back!!! this situation is not healthy at all.
the fact that your stepfather and mother are blowing this out of proportion like this is unbelievable. they are abusive, so don’t go back. best thing you could do is go nc with them. because even if you were to break up with your gf and move back in with them, they’d find sth. else to control you with.
i hope stuff works out for you!
Updateme!
Your mother is someone you should not be in contact with in future. She’s been poisoned by your stepdad.
You definitely need out of that house. I don’t know what’s up with your stepdad but he sounds like a quack. He might be projecting his thoughts onto you or worse. Do what you need to do and move on with your life.
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Good Luck .
Anyone else interpret “we need to talk about your mother’s health” as a threat? This dad would 100% hurt his mom to get him back.
If it is, call your mom once you’re safe and make a plan to get her out too
You need to get the police to escort you back to get your documents and once you are free and clear, change your number and never contact these evil, controlling people again.
Do not go back to the house alone. Do not fall for their nonsense. Don’t warn them that you are coming in case they try to destroy things.
You are 22, you can date who you like and your girlfriend should consider pressing charges for harassment.
Please don’t go alone to meet your parents i think your stepdad will try to do something again . Go with someone like your friends or Same police officers who helped you . Don’t forget to take your important documents and your gf sounds great . I hope you can get out from that shitty situation . Get a job buy a new phone and a laptop .
Stay away. I know you love your mom, but she is letting your step dad abuse you. She’s choosing him over you. If you go back nothing will change.
Updateme!
You did the right thing. Your SD is an A.H. Your birth certificate and social security card can be replaced if reported lost so don’t worry about that. I don’t know about passports.
I am so glad that you went to the police station and they helped you out!! Plus more points for them going to your house and getting your electronics for you. Don’t be surprised if your SD cancels your phone plan though so be ready to make other arrangements if he does that.
Your mother is an adult and she need to take care of herself. You can’t worry about her until you get yourself sorted. That sounds mean, but I don’t mean it to be – just an order of priorities. Don’t get sucked back in just because your mother won’t leave him. You are finally out, so stay out. She is making her own choices.
You can’t stay there. This is toxic. Take of your mom as best you can but work on moving out permanently.
(Sorry, I did some skimming.)
Let’s start with the lying. The easiest way to not lie is to not *need* to lie. You did it because your parents are trying to control you, and lying seemed like the easiest way to escape that. Maybe it was, but now that it has blown up, it’s time to openly and truthfully assert that you’re going to do what you want.
You’re 22 years old, which makes you an adult, and you can make your own choices. However, you are living with/off your parents, which gives them leverage to coerce you. This leverage is basically legal and maybe even justifiable, but clearly it can be used in unethical ways. It shouldn’t be up to your parents to decide who you date, where you travel, etc. Your parents should respect your adult choices. Instead, they are still trying to control you like a child, and they’re using the roof over your head as blackmail. Therefore, you have a choice to make.
If you choose to return, you are handing back their leverage. Now would be the time to negotiate your basic minimum freedoms as an adult. You date who you want. You go where you want. Your phone is yours, and they are not allowed to take or access it. Outside of home-related matters, such as rent or your share of the household chores, your parents need to let you live your life. They need to agree to this before you come back. It would be unwise for you to return if they don’t agree to it. However, even if they agree, there is still the risk that they could go back on their word.
Not returning will be difficult. Is it worth staying in a homeless shelter to escape your parents’ abuse? (This isn’t a question. Your parents are abusive. Acknowledge this to yourself. Your father is abusive, and your mother is, at minimum, an enabler.) I don’t know what your financial or career situation is, but I think you need to change your plans to something that will get you on your feet and away from your parents as soon as possible. Living in a hotel isn’t sustainable. You need to find a cheap place to live, and if you aren’t working, you need to drop everything now and get a job.
One more thing: Don’t allow yourself to be held hostage by your mother’s anxiety about the situation. If she doesn’t like it, then she needs to take it up with your father, not you. You need to look out for yourself, because if you don’t, who will?
Maybe the cops will go with you to get your legal documents since you said he has laid hands on you before?
Get the documents. My situation was not nearly as bad as this and I had to find an escape. You are an adult. Take anyway you can out and survive. You can do it even if its going to suck and be painful. You are not ruining your life tou are taking it back. The situation you are In Is a highly manipulative and physically dangerous one with your parents. Physical abuse IS NOT OKAY. From now on YOU dictate the terms of your relationship with them the moment that they have nothing to hold over you. They will blame you. Lie to you. Promise to make changes. They will love bomb, promise gifts and more do maintain control because they believe that yoh are incapable of making deciosns for yourself.they will Do everything in their power to try and keep you. This is reading like textbook narcissistic behavior. Run away from this as fast as you can OP
Wow dude…
That is ruff.
But you know what…
This might be the best thing for you.
I mean…
You’re out of that toxic situation, you don’t have deal with that butt head anymore.
As for your mom…
Sorry dude…
But she made her bed, now she can lie in it.
As for her saying that you picked a relationship over your family…
Well…
She’s one to talk.
Isn’t that what she did?
I mean, your stepdad attacked you a few times, and she stayed with him.
Tell her you don’t wanta talk until he’s gone. See what she says.
If your parents don’t approve of your girlfriend, you should listen. I was also kicked out for a similar reason. Stay on your parents good side, no girl is worth it in your early 20s I promise you.
Get your stuff but if they are assholes about giving you your documents know that they are literally all fairly easily replaceable and you might be better off just ordering new ones.
Don’t go back to your parents house without police *inside* the building with you.
Don’t interact with your step-father alone.
Only talk to him in a public place with lots of people and don’t agree to meet with him anywhere else.
Your mother is responsible for her actions and lack of action. She knows who she married and she knows he’s abusive and does nothing.
The man choked you and is dangerous. Your mother chose him over her own son.
Block your parents and please buy a cheap phone to pay for yourself.
I think your mother is being abused too 🙁 Be safe
something similar happened to me when I was 21. They kicked me out for dating someone they basically chose for me then changed their mind and wanted me to break up with him. I did break up with him but they still kicked me out because they were convinced we slept together even though we didn’t. Since I was an adult I felt that all this was absurd to begin with. They then begged me to come back after a couple months. I went back. But then they kicked me out again when I wouldn’t quit my job.
UpdateMe!
First thing I’ll say is I’m sorry. I am 22 and have been out of the house a couple years, but I could’ve stayed if I wanted to. I am so glad that you realized that your situation is not normal. Like other people said, Definitely return with a police officer, but you can replace all of your documents since you are an adult now. I would absolutely stay with your gfs mom and look for a job and place to live asap. I’m not sure if I was in your position if I would ever want to speak to either of them again but that is your choice. Lastly, your girlfriend and her mom sound like great people. Try to show appreciation for both of them and what they’re doing for you and it sounds like they are what you need in life.
They’re treating you like a kid with some justification because you’re living under their roof. To me, if you’re 22 and you don’t get along with your parents, it seems obvious that you should get your stuff and move out. Then, you can repair the relationship with them (or not if you choose) when you’re on your own, talking to them on equal terms, and they don’t have any sort of financial hold on you.
Dude you’re 22 go live your life
Don’t worry about your mom, because she doesn’t worry about you. You have to look after yourself now.
Stepdad threw out the health thing because he lost the power over you that he previously had, and now he’s moving on to using guilt.
Whether or not your mom has health problems, you do not need to live with them and be abused for her to feel better.
I applaud you.
I want to see how this plays out. I know how it feels to have to pick between toxic and healthy relationships.
You did not bring this on yourself. You’re an adult and you’re in an abusive situation. Try to safely get your important documents and other items, and check out /r/raisedbynarcissists for advice on escaping this home. Even if you love your mother, she is enabling your stepfather by not helping or standing up for you.
Proud of you for getting out of that toxic household. You have such a bright future ahead of you with your girlfriend and her family. NEVER look back they only want to control you. They don’t care about what’s actually best for you.