My (25f) boyfriend (45m) have been together 2 years. He has a ghost Instagram account, which he told me was only to keep an eye on what his stepdaughter was posting. When we got together he sent me a follow request which I of course accepted, then requested to follow him back. He never accepted it and I never pushed, though I found it a bit weird. He said he never posted on there anyway and he has no followers.
The other day we were watching something on his phone and he went to insta- the last image he had looked at popped up and it was a sexy image of a girl in swimwear. I don’t mind porn (I’m quite open minded and we even watch it together) but I have spoken to him before about how him looking at these Insta models make me feel insecure and like I’m not good enough for him. This is just a boundary for me. I asked him about the picture and he admitted he looks at ‘hot girls’ on insta because it ‘titillates him’. I got upset and reiterated how that makes me feel. I asked if this was the reason he wouldn’t accept my follow request and he changed the subject and turned it around on me. Eventually after lots of talking and me being quite upset he told me he wouldn’t do it anymore and that he would just delete his account. I told him he didn’t have to do that, I obviously don’t have a problem with him having social media, but he said he would anyway.
2 months later- he’s pretending that he’s not using Instagram but he is and being really furtive about it- hiding the screen if I look over, always taking his phone into the bathroom etc.
I did the bad thing and looked at his Instagram on his phone. Apart from me everyone else he follows is an insta model who just basically post almost nude, really sexual pictures.
I feel like my trust has been broken and I don’t know what to do. Oh and I just quit my job and moved halfway across the world with him. So that adds a layer.
TLDR: boyfriend has a ghost Instagram account where he follows me and a bunch of insta models. He doesn’t know I know, but we’ve spoken before about him looking at girls on Instagram and he told me he wouldn’t do it anymore as it upsets me. I feel really betrayed and I’m not sure where to go from here.
10 comments
I think u should let ur boyfriend follow whover he wants! As long as he doesnt direct message them, there shouldnt be a problem!
I think its kinda controling that u are not comfortable with him liking pictures, So u want him to stop doing it! Ur insecurity is ur problem, not his!
As long as he isnt interacting with other woman, he isnt doing anythinf wrong imo
I am really sorry you moved for him. But your trust has been broken for good reason – he is lying to you and hiding things. If he wasn’t okay with having a relationship where he doesn’t follow sexy women on Instagram, then he should have honestly told you that. However, he has shown he is the sort of person who will tell you what you want to hear, and then do whatever he wants to behind your back. So, he isn’t a safe or trustworthy person to be with. I recommend you focus on the logistics of your life, so you can figure out the best way to not be with him.
OP, trying to control your boyfriend is never going to go well. He will either cave to you (and perhaps resent that you expect him to be the one man on the planet who doesn’t know other women besides his partner exist), or he will lie about it. Both options suck.
The issue here isn’t really his behaviour so much, it’s that you feel it’s appropriate to control it, which is likely due to insecurities on your part. That’s your own journey, and as long as your boyfriend engages sexually with you and loves you and compliments you, there isn’t really an issue here on his end.
You looking through his device — that’s an issue. You’re both in a situation where you’re now breaking each other’s trust because of your rules. This isn’t a good path to go down.
As far as I can tell, he isn’t actually doing anything wrong by looking at women online. He isn’t contacting these women, he isn’t cheating on you (right?) — he’s a sexual human being (like most of us are) and he’s stimulated by a plethora of different types, and that includes you!
Don’t make it a competition. It isn’t. They’re a handful of popcorn and you’re the decadent main course. It doesn’t compare, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough.
It is weird that this elderly man you are dating isn’t allowed to look at Instagram pics
It is weird that this old man would lie about it to you.
The lack of trust and honesty is concerning from both parties
This is being handled immaturely on all sides. Age gap is red flag #1. 2nd, you watch porn together, and have no problem with it but with insta models? What’s the difference? Also, his little “ghost” account is sketchy as hell. You’re upset with his browsing history, he can’t even be honest and have an open discussion with you about what’s going on. Oh and he turns it on you? That’s outright manipulative. This just sounds unhealthy. I hope this kind of problem is an isolated incident for you guys.
But seriously, there’s some glaring differences here that need to be addressed
He’s not going to stop and will just get better at hiding things from you. And now you don’t trust him so you’re going always wonder.
Is nobody else bothered that he had this account to keep an eye on his stepdaughter?
This relationship has so many issues on both sides. Leave and move on – you, unlike him, are young & presumably without baggage.
“My (25f) boyfriend (45m) have been together 2 years. He has a ghost Instagram account, which he told me was only to keep an eye on what his stepdaughter was posting.”
Important information here, is he actually the one responsible for parenting his step-daughter? As, in, does he have custody, a strong relationship with her, and a strong co-parenting relationship with her parents? Is she at an age where it is actually appropriate for a parental figure to be secretly following her on instagram? Was he involved in her life throughout her life? Is she still legally his step-daughter (in which case, is he still legally married)?
In the majority of contexts, him creating a ghost account to stalk a minor child is a much bigger concern than anything else you’ve posted.
Really, just go home. This relationship sounds weird and toxic.