I’m 24F and he is 24M. We have been together a month.
We are both very kinky and enjoy bdsm. Last time we had sex I was gagged and handcuffed. In the middle he said I looked very cute and he wanted to show me and took out his phone. He took a picture and a video. He said he would delete them if I asked no issues.
Since I was gagged I couldn’t say much but I wasn’t very comfortable with that.
The next day he showed me the pic and video and I didn’t like them (body insecurities) so I asked to delete. I also was worried about having a video with my face in it.
He said I looked so cute and he didn’t want to delete and he liked the videos a lot. He said he wouldn’t delete them. I reminded him he told me he would delete them and he went, “oh right. i did say that. okay i guess i will delete them.” Then he finally deleted them.
I have had nudes in the past get exposed because my ex’s family member got into his phone. It’s a very uncomfortable thing for me.
I feel upset because he’s been 100% kind and considerate of boundaries and limits until this. I don’t know what to say to him because I don’t think he understands just how uncomfortable that was for me and I’m not okay with that, especially because I had to ask multiple times.
Edit: We have had no issues out of this. He is also very excited I’m his girlfriend, he’s introduced me to his friends and family. He’s really happy to see me and said he’s never been as comfortable with anyone as he has me before besides his childhood best friend.
9 comments
Had a ex do the same thing and they shared the photos it was devastating! He still won’t delete them?
This dude is a fake fucking dom if he doesn’t respect your consent around these pictures. This attitude would really put me off and make me lose all trust in the future
If he disrespects your limits on this… because he doesn’t want to and thinks you are cute…
You should tell him no BDSM until they are deleted in front of you.
Explain this, “if I ever say no, it means no.” I can trust a person who doesn’t respect me or understand the importance of boundaries.
Consent can be withdrawn at any time. I would also not let yourself be gagged again until you have better communication during that kind of situation.
You should be able to communicate NO, always in any situation. If you have your mouth gagged, there has to be a way to communicate still
That’s really fucked up. Bdsm/kink or not, consent for nudes/videos is something that should be talked about and agreed on before going into sex. He was fully disrespectful of you and your agency to decide to take photos and a vid of you while you were gagged. There’s no way you could have vocalized your consent or non-consent. And the fact that he waited to delete them until you were visibly upset. Those are huge red flags 🚩
If you’re uncomfortable with him taking photos, don’t let him take photos. If you’re not sure about the photos, have him use your phone. If you like a photo, you can send it to him. If you want to edit your face out first, you can also do that.
maybe you need to explain to him these insecurities more to him, and explain that you feel that while he may think he didn’t cross your bounders he actually did, I dont know if you have told him this at any point but men can be pretty dumb at looking at the nuances of social interactions, he, from what you said, sounds like he liked the pics and wanted to keep them of that moment, I guess the important thing is to inform him, keep this as a possible red flag in your mind and if he continues in this way AFTER you have told him how you feel then lose him
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
No way would any True Dom take pictures or videos without CONSENT before hand. And they would delete them right away.
They understand trust is a building foundation and wouldn’t purposely break that trust. They break at boundaries without breaking them. You might want to take a step back and rethink a lot of this.
I would never introduce something new in the bedroom while my sub was gagged. Consent is very important, and your sub needs to be able to communicate stop or slow down when you’re trying something new.
“Boyfriend, while I am gagged and unable to communicate, I am trusting you to make sure I am safe and consenting. Among other things, that means you cannot introduce new things to the bedroom while I am gagged. For example, it would not be okay to introduce anal/whipping/watersports/group sex without my explicit knowledge and consent beforehand. I was uncomfortable when you recorded me the other day, and I was even more uncomfortable when you initially refused to delete the recording. That is unacceptable, and it cannot happen again. If you fail to be a good dom, then I cannot be your sub. And if you fail to respect my boundaries, then I cannot be your girlfriend. Do you understand?”