Women who had/have difficult parents, how do you cope?

9 comments

1. It fucked me up. After I got away from them and started my own life, I went to therapy.

   You can love family from a distance, you can also cut whoever the fuck you want out of your life. The guilt is what kept me there for so long and the thought of not seeing my nieces and nephews was almost unbearable. I helped raised most of them. Felt like I left my own children. But I just have to remember, they will grow up too, and then they will understand why I left. And I’ll be there if they need to get away too.

2. Get away from them. As fast and as far as you can. Everything settles itself after that.

3. It’s never not going to affect me. That’s not how it works.

   I did go to therapy to help me understand the impact and recognize ways to get healthier.

4. i won’t call my mom abusive per se but she’s controlling af….i’ve basically come to terms that my only realistic solution is to go a far away college on merit

5. Of course it affects me. I was steeped in it. Therapy is non negotiable.

6. I’ve gone to therapy. I moved away and eventually came back. Unfortunately, at the moment, I’m what keeps them from being homeless so I do feel a bit guilty about just up and leaving.

7. i pretend to not know.

8. Cut my mother out of my life 3 tmyears ago. Best decision I ever made.

9. I moved to a different country. That was the most concrete improvement because physical distance really allowed me to feel truly safe.

   I’ve also read a lot of self-help books, limited contact with my parents, continue to keep conversations superficial with them, make meaningful friendships (a chosen family), and go to therapy every week.

   The abuse from my past still affects me, but it no longer has the same grip on my day-to-day. I take comfort in the fact that I’ve changed so much as a person over the years and try to be healthy and compassionate towards myself and others each day.

   I also remind myself that progress is not linear or overnight. There are the occasional set-backs and emotional slumps but I’ve become more patient and resilient when these moments happen.

   In regards to keeping sane, it’s really a mindset you have to cultivate over time and with much practice. There are days when it feels forced or inauthentic to be your own cheerleader, but you just have to keep showing up for yourself and resist the urge to stay trapped in the victim role, which then leads to helplessness and inaction.

   At the end of the day, I try to acknowledge that I’m caring for myself in a way that my parents were unable to. It’s not their fault for being the products of emotional abuse themselves, but it was their responsibility to nurture their children and they did that poorly with much resentment and contempt. So, I see that one of my goals in life is to undo that legacy by taking care of myself as I wished I could have been taken care of when I was dependent on a deeply wounded caretaker.