So, my marriage has been having some issues lately, well for the past 3 years to be exact. Eventually I quit nagging and asking him to help me more or discussed anything outside of happy, basic conversation because it always ended in a fight.
So, I play video games, so does my husband. He raids at least 3 days a week and is on chat almost 6 days or more a week with people on discord for 4+ hours. Also, some friends he knows in real life. I have some friends too I game with, we all knew each other in real life but because hanging out isn’t feasible (his jealously, men and women alone, etc..) we don’t. I’ve tried getting all my friends to come over to my house, guys and girls with my husband and maybe playing cards and eating dinner and stuff but no one ever wants to.
About 4 of us get on some online games and play a few rounds. Sometimes I play with someone one on one out of the 4, I don’t let it affect my family life, parenting, or chores. I try to limit my gaming to maybe 3 times a week for only a few hours and only when it’s late at night so that I’ve spent time with everyone.
Last night, I was playing one of my games with my friends and my 8 year old comes up behind me and in front of the entire family says “[friend on game who shes never met] is going to be our new daddy soon”.
I froze, Husband froze, all the air sucked out of the room. I have never ever said or implied anything of the sort, my friends are my friends and that’s it. I also would never talk like that to my kids, joking someone else taking the place of their dad or anything.
Of course my husband who is already super insecure turned around and said “yes child, tell me how you know this?” trying to inquire. She just said “I don’t know, I just said words”.
Shes done this before telling the family I was going to meet some man from school down the road and that it was a secret. We were all like “what?” and then she admitted she meant her sister was meeting a boy from school which we had already knew about. Why is my child doing this? My husband can’t play it off as a joke. The passive aggressive comments started after that.
I was in the shower and he came in and said “getting all pretty for the kids new daddy?” I said “yep”. Figured agreeing means it was just as rediculous as it sounded to me anyways.
We went to bed and he asked me again “so are you telling the kids that your guy friend might be their new dad one day?”
“no?”
“well she had to have heard it somewhere”
I have no idea how or why she’d even say that. I have plenty of friends, guys and girls. I go and hang out with my girl friend too solo to which the family jokes “im taking her on a date to woo her”, per husband’s words
“don’t be scissoring” (thankfully not said around kids)
“mommy’s missing mothers day to hang out with her girlfriend” (per the kids, it wasn’t even mother’s day and it was one hang out when we had known each other 6 months)
After I said no, he then proceeds to say “well its ok, our oldest daughter said if you ever divorce me that she’ll act up really badly so no boyfriends would ever want you” In a mean, vindictive, sarcastic tone.
Then he goes on to say “I’ll hire a nanny, one that does massage so that maybe someone will touch me for once” and rolled over roughly. Not sure why he thinks I’d even want sex at that point.
There’s a lot of passive aggressive stuff and I think he’s filling the kids heads with ideas about stuff. No one bats an eye when he talks about a girl from work or the millions of people he plays with on discord, some are girls, yes..Mostly guys though.
25 comments
Maybe your kid got it from TV or maybe surfing the web? Hopefully not a passive aggressive statement from your husband. It sounds like your issues are more than just this situation. I think you should do counseling with your husband before this escalates. Wishing you peace & healing.
I recommend less sarcasm and more building each other up.
If the kids are getting it from somewhere, it’s likely him. Kids don’t think those things without influence (& a powerful one at that).
I wouldn’t even bother responding to anyone who broaches this topic (even the kids). It sounds more like he’s trying to sabotage what’s left of your marriage. And of course there is the adege that says the person accusing you is the person likely to be doing the cheating.
Truthfully, unless you heard it from your daughter’s lips, I wouldn’t assume she said it. More like he’s threatening you by making you believe the kids are against you. He’s also blazingly immature. A nanny who massages their boss? Yeah, keep dreaming. Good idea for a lawsuit from the fictitious nanny though.
Regardless, anyone who decides to weaponize their children is evil.
Yikes, he needs to get his jealousy under control as it is currently manifesting as contempt for you and contempt has no place in a healthy relationship.
I think you’re overdue for a serious talk. This issue with the kids is a symptom of a larger problem, which is your husband’s insecurity and possessiveness. And this has been happening for three years? I’m sure you’re exhausted. I am slightly hesitant to recommend counseling because some of his behavior is setting off alarm bells for me, would you mind taking this quiz? It’s fairly quick.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
I think its more like your daughter is putting ideas into your 8 year old’s head.
He is involving your children in your fights. Why did he have to drag your child into an argument with you? This is not healthy for the child’s development.
There are layers upon layers of issues here and it’s hard to address them all in a succinct comment. So I’ll just say that your husband’s behavior is really concerning. It sounds like he doesn’t help much with the household/kids, has jealousy issues, doesn’t trust you, and has isolated you from your own friends.
Do you feel safe in your household? Do you have someone you can contact if you don’t?
Assuming you feel safe, it could be time to break this cycle of passive aggression and walking on eggshells. Consider very clearly telling him that you haven’t ever cheated nor crossed any romantic boundaries with your friends. Consider telling him that if he chooses not to believe you, then there is nothing you can do to convince him otherwise. Consider telling him that you will no longer allow him to sling false accusations at you or try to make you feel bad for having friends and a hobby. That he will quickly find himself single if he does not commit to changing the way he treats you.
I am more disturbed by the fact that your husband spends at least 4 hours a day on discord chat or playing video games. And you play games also?
Shit I play maybe for 1 hour a day a couple times a week Otherwise I would have no quality time with my husband at all. And you have kids also. Who takes care of them? Maybe they are sick of their parents spending all day on video games and that’s why they are saying stupid stuff.
What’s that quote from that old babysitting horror movie? The call is coming from inside the house.
This is all on your husband. I don’t know how you resolve it – therapy for him, you as a couple, or for the family, or an extremely serious line in the sand conversation that has real world consequences when the line is stepped over, but that is no way to live.
Honestly OP, this does not sound like a happy marriage.
I’m sorry, your husband is feeding the child this, it’s another way for him to have the conversation now that you have stopped engaging in any behaviour that he can criticise.
It sounds like your husband is telling your 8 year old to say it
Honestly, with how you’ve described your husband (jealousy/insecurity) and how he responds to things, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was asking/quizzing the kids about you.
She could just be being a brat, or trying for attention, or she might just thinks it’s a game or a joke.
Realistically I think you should be in couples counselling or family therapy.
Hmm. And you are sure he didn’t tell your daughter to say that?
Your 1st obligation is to the protection of your kids, which they aren’t getting right now. Kids know dad believes you’re screwing every man in sight because he’s aired that belief in front of them so often. They therefore assume, as they were taught, that you’re always stepping out or planning to. I’d be planning my way out of this situation, not only because it’s toxic for the marriage but it’s downright abusive of children who should know nothing about & have no role in parental squabbling. Get advice for safely exiting. This jealousy & use of the children is a serious flag for violence.
From experience, allowing your kids to be exposed to adult problems they cannot & should not be involved in fixing has consequences you can’t imagine now. They need protection. It’s up to you to provide it.
He gets jealous and upset if you hang out with anyone (including other women) in person, enough to make comments about it to the kids and weaponize them. Plus his family talks negatively about you having a social life – but that’s only based on what your husband says.
Now suddenly there’s accusations flying from your 8 year old about a friend online? Your 8 year old.
Op, please wake up and realize that you’re in an extremely abusive situation. He’s tried his hardest to isolate you from others, and isn’t above weaponizing your children to drive more guilt from you. He’s very obviously coaching your child to say things, especially in front of family to create a greater shame and guilt response.
It’s sounds like your husband and MIL are alienating your kids against you. I would get both girls into therapy ASAP to get to the bottom of this and work to combat it.
I would also looking into limiting or being present with every interaction MIL had with the kids to avoid her spreading poison.
Then I would take a long hard look at if this is really a marriage you want to be in…your husband is weaponising your kids to mentally abuse and control you. Cutting you off from all friends is abusive and a classic thing abusers do.
>I go and hang out with my girl friend too solo to which the family jokes “im taking her on a date to woo her”, per husband’s words “don’t be scissoring”
Ew, what? Your husband sounds like a pig.
So disgusting and crass. Who the fucks talks to their partner like that? Does he accuse you of cheating often?
> hanging out isn’t feasible (his jealously, men and women alone, etc..)
Lmao I love when men tell on themselves and let you know they can’t be trusted around women alone because they’ll be tempted to cheat.
> Then he goes on to say “I’ll hire a nanny, one that does massage so that maybe someone will touch me for once” and rolled over roughly.
🐖
> “well its ok, our oldest daughter said if you ever divorce me that she’ll act up really badly so no boyfriends would ever want you” In a mean, vindictive, sarcastic tone.
Is that a threat? This man sounds utterly vile and I’d be running fast and far from this psycho if I were you.
Please get out for the sake of your children. All you are doing is showing your girls that it is totally okay for husbands to abuse their wives until they are so drained mentally that they are scared to even speak up about issues as mundane as chores. Do you want your daughters to date men like your husband and to feel how you feel? I’m guessing you don’t.
I’m also guessing your friends don’t want to come over because your husband is making these comments probably within earshot if not directly at them behind your back. And he is probably saying the same stuff to your children so that he seems like the one being betrayed and hurt. He is trying to isolate you from everyone who loves you, even your babies. You can’t even hang out with a girlfriend without being accused of cheating? That’s insane. If you continue on this path he will only suffocate you further, and very likely transfer the jealousy and paranoia he feels about you to his daughters as they get older and start to show interest in boys. If you divorce him you have a chance at showing your children what a woman can do to advocate for themselves so that they can lead full beautiful lives being LOVED instead of trampled on!
I’m going to say that your children can hear the things you say to each other. Your husband probably says things that are not around. Your eldest is already developing hatred towards you and you haven’t even done anything.
You and your husband clearly have a bitter relationship, I’d be looking in both couples and family counselling because clearly your children have picked up on everything around you and that’s not ok.
It sounds like you’re both kind of immature and passive aggressive to each other… if you want the marriage to work you both have to be able to talk to each other instead of making little jabs at each other
Burying yourself in games in the long run is probably only going to drive the wedge deeper. If neither of you want to do the work, talk it over, admit it, and move on. You don’t have a marriage at this point.
I think it’s obvious the 8 year olds “words” are coming from Dad
You all need some serious marriage counseling. You can’t talk to you husband and I suspect that your kid pick up on the tension.
I’ll bet money that your husband put these ideas in your kids head. He’s super insecure, and I have no doubt he’s let a few comments slip. Now that they said it, and you don’t suspect him, he’s using it as a segway into the discussion he wants to have, but is too ashamed to bring up without a reason: his problem with you having friends.