I am not comfortable with my husband’s family

13 comments

1. it wont ruin your marriage just explain best you can to him

2. Would you be more comfortable meeting at your home? Meeting for coffee so you can warm up to them slowly? Meeting with his mom or sister for lunch to get to know them?

3. I’m not comfortable with my in-laws. I mask because it makes my husband happy and I love him. Sometimes I fake it soo well I believe it. I don’t know why I’m uncomfortable but I am. It’s so different over there.

4. You need to figure out the why.

5. You mentioned a cultural difference and that you aren’t American. May I ask where you are from? Do you think you feeling uncomfortable around them has to do with them maybe being prejudiced/racist (even if it’s unintended/indirectly)? It’s hard to give advice if you don’t know what makes you uncomfortable, so I’m just throwing out an idea.

6. His family is now your family, how would you handle not liking your own family? Would you not go? Tell them? Tell your husband? Say nothing, and tough it out? I’m not going to tell you what to do, just giving you a perspective to think about.

   Maybe I’m not the person to be speaking on this. I don’t spend time with my family because they are so so so overbearing and stressful, to the point that it was emotionally taxing on me for every single holiday and big event. So I stopped going. They stopped inviting me. I feel zero loss.

   Do you feel that you have given them a chance to be close to you?

7. What is your question?

   You don’t like your husband’s family for reasons you can’t determine. What do you want your husband to do? Stop seeing his family? Stop asking you to see his family?

   I think that you owe it to your husband to figure out why you don’t like these people.

8. As a Canadian who married someone whose family immigrated I can tell you that cultural differences are both invisible and like wooden walls. For me they always spoke their native language and his parents never really learned English ( they understand more than they can speak). That was one problem. Another one was my husband somehow thinking I should just act a certain way around them or believing the worst when I wasn’t acting the way he thought I should (but never said anything and honestly I felt very isolated as they always spoke their language – I was very much left out of most conversations). He also seemed to think I would just “pick it up” when native speakers have said it isn’t even really possible to teach myself their language. Then there were other cultural things that I was never told about vans he thought didn’t really make much difference (it all adds up though).

   It wasn’t until a decade later when I was seeing a therapist to work this out that I realized it wasn’t them, it was my husband always acting like they were being mistreated with minor transgressions (I literally didn’t do anything though). The therapist also said I had the right to remove myself from situations that made me uncomfortable. That sort of helped. But it wasn’t until I really started to be direct with my husband about he making something out of nothing and actually telling him he was wrong and telling him if there was a problem they could tell me. I’d even point blank ask him if they actually said anything to him (his answer was no). So then I said he was making a bad situation from nothing. It’s hard, especially when they had a rough time in the beginning getting settled when they first came over. My suggestion is to be very honest with yourself and try to pinpoint what makes you uncomfortable and then talk about it. Tell your husband they need to stop pointing out your differences and focus on the similarities.

9. You don’t have to go to every get together especially if they have them all the time. You should make an effort sometimes. You won’t feel comfortable if you don’t get to know them, and if you do have a feeling something is off you will be able ti tell when you spend more time with them. It will make your husband happy if you go once in awhile. You could compromise by taking separate cars so you can leave at a moments notice.

10. You sound like a drag to be around

11. Lots of people hate seeing their in-laws. But you go because it makes your spouse happy. Also, never going could be giving them the impression that you don’t like any of them. Probably why it’s awkward when/if you do go. Make an effort to get know know everyone, be friendly and helpful. The more time you spend around people the more you will find commonalities. It will breed resentment if you don’t make an effort. Your husband going with out means he has to explain to your family why you aren’t there, and it will make him feel like he has to choose between you and his family. Quit being selfish.

12. IME You can overcome it, but it is hard work.

    I really had a lot of trouble with my in-laws. They didn’t like me, in part because they thought I’d corrupted their innocent daughter, in part because of cultural differences. Eventually I decided to throw myself at the issue. They are Hungarian, so I took college classes at night until I knew enough Hungarian to at least follow most conversations. I worked really hard at getting comfortable with them, took vacations with them, welcomed them to visit, etc. It took me decades but it eventually worked. I’m very comfortable with them now. It was well worth the effort.

13. Being in a good marriage is hard work, everyday you have the opportunity to make choices, that can make your relationship stronger and bring you two closer, or you can choose to do things that make your marriage weaker, and tear you apart.
    If you don’t have a valid reason, for not go with your husband when he visits his family, this is going to do a lot of damage to your relationship, most likely a deal breaker, for most people. Something to think about.