I don’t know if I want to text him.
To make a long story short, I live with my mom again, dad left when I was 12, we all have a cocktail of mental health journeys with depression being a common denominator. I’d just dragged myself out of a very long depression the week of Christmas, even managed to get some decorations up, and Christmas morning I was having one of the first days I’d have considered truly good in a very long time. Real smiles real laughs etc.
Dad arrived in a sour mood and was being a downer as I got a Christmas toy out and took pictures of our pretty Christmas cocktail etc. poking at sore subjects, moping on the couch. He managed to hit a big political nerve, so I huff and get up to go to the kitchen and he says “I think I should be able to say whatever I want mothmannft” which made me speechlessly angry to the point I went for a walk to chill out.
The walk did not chill me out very much. The reason I was so angry is because what part he did contribute to raising me was basically him stressing respect especially to hosts. The walk basically turned in to being angry that everything he ever said are rules for thee not for me type things. So when I got home I laid into him about:
– i invited you so you wouldn’t be alone on Christmas (something he’s complained about before),
-how it took me months to get to a place I was able to decorate (to which he looked around derisively and said “this took months?”),
-how he’s obviously allowed to say whatever he wants but that means he wants to say things that upset me,
-and accidentally stressed “my house” several times when the intention was “when I’m host” but he probably misunderstood because of the family politics regarding the house. (It was his house, he left to live with his mother, didn’t pay child support, and the stalemate is that if he makes a fuss about the house she’ll make a fuss about the child support so neither of them can afford to make a fuss. They aren’t divorced for similar reasons.
Anyway. I said most of this at a scream. But my volume and the possible misunderstanding in the last point are my only regrets.
I made him promise to drop the politics and when I got back from another walk I’d put my normal happy face on and we could eat.
Well I got home, having obviously cried, went upstairs to wash my face, and while Up there he left reportedly saying “I don’t belong here” as he went.
We’ve had one similar contretemps in the past where I simply left the house until he left, with the basic message from that one being I wouldn’t accept him being an asshole on purpose anymore.
So. Now it’s his birthday. He didn’t text me on my birthday. Moms talked to him about something to do with the garden recently, apparently he’s having a rough time but is his standard “I can do no wrong, I’m the adult” bullshit form.
He’s not a healthy man and he’s probably not long for this world but at this point I’ve mourned my dad for 20 years so the pressure to reconnect feels falsely lacking somehow.
Not talking to him or wondering when he’d impose himself on me again has been very nice but I’ve also thought about it and felt bad about it every day.
So. I dunno what to do.
Tl;dr I feel justified for firmly stating my boundaries and outrage towards my father, except for potentially volume. But he’s an “I’m louder so I’m right” type and I wasn’t about to let him be loudest. He left as I prepared to reconcile and we haven’t spoken since. He didn’t text me for my bday. I’m not going to celebrate his birthday or Father’s Day. But I don’t know if I should text him happy birthday and I don’t know how he’d react.
5 comments
Think about what you would gain from this. Focus on *you* and not how he feels. It’s about what *you* want. Do you want to have a relationship with him in the future? Do you want to have a relationship with him right now? It’s okay to just wait longer and have a break. Sometimes you just aren’t ready yet, especially when he was the one to hurt and disregard your feelings multiple times, and then refuses to reach out to amend for his own actions. He’s not five, he doesn’t need to be prompted to apologize. He’s an adult also capable of making his own decisions, and as of right now, that decision is to ignore you out of spite and ego.
If you do want to have him back in your life, think about what *you* want. What are you getting out of it? What type of relationship do you want to have, ideally? What are you willing to accept outside of your ideal? What aren’t you willing to accept? What boundaries will you have, and how will you enforce them if he crosses them?
A good option for that is if it’s phone calls and he brings up politics or is mean again, just say “I told you not to do that” and hang up. If it’s in person, get up and walk away. Eventually, the point will get across and he’ll be forced to either behave or risk losing you. And you also need to be prepared to leave, fully. Some people just do not change nor want to change. He has to make a conscious effort to repair the relationship
Why on earth would you want to continue a relationship with him or text him celebrating his birthday?
I wouldn’t contact him any more at all
The dad that you want, the dad that you wish you had, doesn’t exist. This guy is just an empty suit wearing the name
You don’t owe him anything, not even respect, because respect is earned, and he sure hasn’t shown you any.
Have a happy life free of this toxic man.
Politics ruin everything it touches!
I’m confused about your parents’ stalemate. He doesn’t owe any child support if they’re not divorced (or separated with a court order for interim support), you’re an adult, so if not already court-ordered during separation proceedings there would be no backpay in play either. There should be no CS-related stalemate.