My boyfriend’s female friend is his first love.

Just some background:

My boyfriend (M19) and I (F19) have been dating for about a year, with a solid 9 months of that year being long distance across the country (we go to different unis). He is quit literally my first everything: kiss, boyfriend, sexual partner (etc). Near the beginning of our relationship, I asked him if he had ever been in love, which he said yes to. To my surprise, his first love wasn’t his high school gf of 6 months, but his female friend who he met after his ex. He told me that he was in love with her and that when he thinks of love, he thinks of her, but he never confessed. Then he followed that with how he thinks he dodged a bullet and that he’s over her, so I stayed with him. Days later I found out that they have drunken kissed in the past while she had a boyfriend…which was a huge red flag, but yet again I still stayed with him.

Now, this girl comes to my boyfriend when she’s lonely and needs comfort: FaceTiming him while she’s taking shots alone in her dorm, calling him instead of 911 when a man is following her home, and he is very responsive to it. It’s also important to add that she is a part of the same friend group as my boyfriend, and they are all very close.

Fast forward to this weekend:

His parents were out of town so I was staying the night. At around midnight his friends asked him to hangout; I was fine with that, so his friends, including the girl, came over and brought some alcohol. My bf was very attentive to me the whole time, making sure I was comfortable and staying by my side (I tend to be pretty timid and shy when meeting new people). Me and him were on the couch, and the female friend was behind us at the dining table with the others. The whole time while he was next to me, they were snapchatting each other.

Later that night, after his friends left, he told me that he felt bad for her because, again, she would FaceTime him when she was lonely and drinking alone in her dorm. I guess he could tell I was uncomfortable with that and he reassured me that there were no feeling there. The next day, we were woken up by a call from the girl, asking my bf to hangout. He asked me if I wanted to, and although I didn’t, I reluctantly agreed (ik bad on my part). When she came to pick us up, she was in the driver seat (obviously), my bf was in the passenger seat, and I was in the back. Knowing their history, this setup was just plain uncomfortable to me. The whole time I was third wheeling my bf and his first love.

We first went to a cafe to study, and then to a third friends’ house to hangout. Mind you, I barely know these friends and once again, I’m pretty quiet when meeting new people. The three (my bf, his female friend, and another friend from their friend group) are all musically inclined as opposed to me, so they all decided to play drums and guitar the whole time. There were also only three instruments and I did not know how to play any, so I ended up just sitting there on my phone while they enjoyed themselves. The instruments were so loud that they wore headsets, so it wasn’t like I could start a conversation either.

At one point, I left the room to call my friend cause I felt so awkward, and when I came back, my bf and the female friend were dancing together, playing with bubbles together…he also put an earpiece into her ear for her. After they were done, the female friend and third friend were talking, and she muttered something along the lines of “have you ever had a friend where something more could become of it but you decide to stay friends?”. Idk that just made me think. There was also a moment where me and her were crossing the street and a car was approaching…he called out her name instead of mine. Every 20 minutes he would check in on me, asking if I was ok. After about an hour and a half he texted me saying that if I felt uncomfortable we could go back to his house and watch a show. I could see how attentive he was to me, but I couldn’t help but feel upset.

When he asked for a kiss I shook my head, and when he tried to put his hand on my thigh, I turned away. It takes a lot for me to be comfortable with someone touching me, and the idea of him touching me after seeing his interactions with the female friend repulsed me. She ended up dropping us off at his place, but after dinner she was gonna come back with the friend group to drink. Right when we left her car my bf asked me what was wrong. I ended up crying, telling him that their relationship made me uncomfortable and really scared. At one point, he said “Yeah I was in love with her, but people move on”. Other then that, all he had to say was “Sorry” and “I love you”. I ended up asking to be dropped off at home, and while he was driving me back, he asked if there was anything he could do.

I never want to be the person to make an ultimatum nor the gf who requests their bf to cut ppl off, but I have stopped talking to many guy friends at college who my bf felt uncomfortable about. Still, I had nothing to say because I didn’t want to ask that out of him. He knew her before he met me, so I felt that all I could do was tell him how I felt and let him decide what to do with it. That night I couldn’t sleep knowing that the two were drinking together at his place.

I get a call at 3 am from my bf. He was drunk, asking me what he could do to fix everything, saying that cutting her off is “very doable” and that he moved on. He brought up that he was scared to lose me and said, “You’re gonna let her get between us? her?! there is no attraction there. I talk shit about her all the time to you”. He even added, “if we break up, I’ll get over you too someday, I don’t want to, but I will”. We talked it out and saw each other the next day. Everything was fine until I took a glance at his phone and saw her as his most recent contact. Again, I felt disgusted and uncomfortable. Thoughts?