Last year I (21F) was raped and physically assaulted. It was a terrifying experience, and a horrifying recovery period where I had found out a lot about who my friends really were. The one person that stuck by my side was Sam (26M) (changed the name for personal sake). He helped me through the tests and through investigation work, and was there as my emotional pillar throughout this journey to healing. I love him very much for being there for me and being that huge support system when I couldn’t turn to anyone else.
Now that the backstory is done I’ll jump into what’s been going on.
In January of this year, New Year’s Day, I stayed over at his place and celebrated the new year with him and his parents with whom he lives with. It was very early in the morning due to the celebratory evening we all had, and we went and turned in. We slept in the same bed, and we did end up having sex, which was my first time since the assault. I was and still am abundantly comfortable with him, and knew he understood and would listen to me if anything triggered me or came out of nowhere. The sex was great, everything went well, we had had sex about a year before all of this btw, but this was very different as it wasn’t our first time having sex and we knew each other a little better than last time.
Since then we have been having sex fairly regularly (once every few weeks if we are both in the mood). Now that I have kind of gotten back into things I have slipped into my old preferences. I am into pain, choking, being treated roughly to a certain degree. He has known about this because of our past conversations. I find myself wanting that side of preferences, and when I do mention it to him he does say that he doesn’t want to hurt me. I don’t press on or anything I just say okay and move on, but I find myself wanting it more and more from him which only makes me want to ask him again but i Don’t want to push the matter even more if he’s not comfortable with it.
What are the options for me in regards to speaking to him about this, and how can I reassure him that he won’t hurt me and I am okay with it happening?
4 comments
Talk about your desires, explain he’s not actually hurting you, and then…
HAVE A SAFEWORD
That’s your protection, AND HIS PROTECTION, to know that what is happening is okay.
My wife likes it rougher at times than I’d prefer to give…but having that safeword makes me feel comfortable to push my limits, as I know she can protect herself if anything goes to far.
The trauma you faced was horrible and he supported you (that’s amazing he did that) but people do not realize that when they help others in these situations that it affects them. He now needs to get past this with you. Talk to him (not once, but many times, it’s a process and you know this now) and help him feel comfortable to do the things you want.
The safe word is for both of you not just the person who is receiving. Let him know that and respect him when he calls for a stop.
Lastly I have found safe words not enough in my relationship. Sometimes my partner gets to a point of not being able to speak even when not impeded. We have added safe gestures. In our case it’s tapping out like in a ufc match. Also we have 2 safe words, one for don’t stop but ease back and one for just stop.
I hope this helps and best of luck with him. He sounds like a keeper.
It’s a hard experience for both of you to live through.
Express that you would like to move more back to your desires and your choosing him to move back to that with him, because he makes you feel safe. And if any anytime something triggers, you’ll stop him and if it triggers for him, he can stop you.
The biggest thing I can tell you is to move slowly. Feel free to message me if you like. I have been there. And i enjoy more of the BDSM side of things. Even after my past
Sitting down outside of the bedroom and discussing it all seems like the next step.