First time using this sub and i really need help cause im being super irracional and need to get some sense into my head.
When he was 18-19, my bf got involved with an older girl who had a bf (now husband), they were “together for about a year, she even got engaged and they kept going (he asked her if she was sure she wanted to keep going since, you know, she got engaged, and her response was “so what?”). They didnt really see each other that much because she always had an excuse not to see him, she was always busy but she claimed “she had never felt that way for nobody before” and that “she felt like she loved him”, but then got married and my bf was really hurt. They kept in contact once in a while anyways and (according to him), she was the one who initiated contact 8/10 times and the conversation was basically “how have you been” and then it died.
Fast Forward 3 years later, we met and he told me about it.
I tried not to judge, but when i asked him if he felt bad he basically told me he didnt cause it wasnt his responsability to respect that relationship. I was horrified and told him he participated in hurting someone in a very horrible way and that he had no empathy and that someone who cheated with him isnt a friend. At first when he told me i didnt take it srsly cause i assumed he knew he was in the wrong and never talked to her again after it all ended, but when he told me he didnt care and found out he kept in contact with her i was horrified. I told him he was in the wrong and explained to him why, since then he says he regrets it, that he now understands he was in the wrong and that getting involved with that girl was a complete mistake and has deleted her on all of his socials and cut contact 100% (this was also because this topic made me a little bit insecure and he wanted to protect me).
I know he says he has changed, but i cant get over the fact he once had no problem in participating in hurting someone else and think this is a sign that he will have no problema hurting me. I also think he was a huge hypocrite, because he had no problem participating in cheating but thinks its wrong to cheat and wouldnt want all that done to him.
I know its a long text but i really needed to vent.
8 comments
I understand how you would judge him for that. He was young and immature. Hopefully he’s grown up now.
We all do things we regret when we’re young.
Sometimes people themselves do not have issues with cheating because they themselves have unresolved childhood trauma hence they feel no remorse. I’m unsure of his childhood but with proper counselling and therapy, he should be okay.
Sounds like he lacks empathy bigtime. Not sure how much I’d be able to trust that he’s truly a changed man for some reason, but you do you.
If I were you I’d call the relationship as soon as I found out tbh, we seem to cut a lot of slack for people hooking up with others in relationships and I don’t know why.
He was an active participant in cheating. That is who you are dating, those are his views on commitment and he freely told you. No doubt he only blocked her because of the affect it had on his relationship, nothing to do with the right thing or any moral realisation. Stay with him and honestly, when he cheats and hurts you it’s pretty much your fault for sticking around.
Only way to see that He changed… make him Tell her husband.
Look it’s in the past. People can change and learn from their mistakes. I would cut the guy some slack tbh sounds like he’s done all the right things but you won’t let it go. You need to decide: if you love him let it go and stop mentioning it. If you think about it hold your tongue, talk about something else. If your morals are more important than your relationship and you can’t let it go, walk away and you can both move on. Good luck finding someone who’s never done anything “wrong” BTW.
*Irrational not irracional
Reading comments and your replies to some of them.i can’t help but think this is why men get pissed that we as women consistently dredge up the past and FOR WHAT. In both your post AND replies you have said
He blocked her of his OWN accord
He REGRETS his choices and actions
He UNDERSTANDS your perspective
So what you don’t think his mind can change after you LITERALLY changed it?? The part you can’t get over is the fact that he was able to sleep with some one who was in a relationship and thinking with your female brain that he formed emotional attachment. That he bonded and desired her so much that he didn’t care that she was in a relationship. At 18-19 most BOYS don’t care about that as long as they are mainly getting what they want mainly because they don’t have emotional maturity YET
TRULY either get over it for both your sakes (becuse you have no leg to stand on for giving him forgiveness becuse there is nothing for you to forgive it was BEFORE you) or break up for HIS sake no one wants a partner resenting them for THEIR life experiences