Please read this whole post before answering, I ask for wisdom, not judgment. First of all I come from a culture where pre marital dating/sex is prohibited, so there’s no way I can try myself in multiple real life relationships and then decided, it’s impossible. I’m a highly educated guy in my late 20s, spent most of my youth years learning and hustling. So by now I’ve achieved a lot and so I’m financially comfortable, have a very prestigious job and ready to get married/have a family. My physical look is average so I am not in the “handsome” category. I was initially in a relationship with a girl who had the same background (education and everything), she was very attractive 10/10 and we loved each other so much, we remained in relationship for 4 yrs (we did sneak on multiple dates, so we spent time together) and I knew I loved her. We planned to get married but something significant happened in her life and we were separated, this happened few years back and I don’t want to talk about it but it’s relevant to what I will ask about. Following this I had multiple online relations but I found no love even to the most attractive girls, most of the time I’d be physically attracted to how they look but I didn’t have real connection. In the last year or so I accidentally got into a long distance relationship with a girl who’s 3 years younger than me, she has same ideology/future goals as me, she’s very mature and confident. She is educated and respectful. She literally has every single trait I wanted in a wife. I know she will be a good mother to my future children. The major thing is that I am very conflicted because she’s not as attractive as I hoped her to be. Her physical look is less than average. I just feel defeated because I don’t want to lose her and regret it but I’m also so scared and don’t want to hurt her by marrying and not being able to provide love. I can’t get her out in a date, it’s not possible in her case, so I can’t test how I’d feel around her. If I don’t marry this girl, my other choice would be waiting to meet someone else online (which at this point is just tiring to me) or having a family arranged marriage. Family arranged marriages can easily meet any requirement for physical features cause they will look until they find the one but it’s impossible to know the person in details before getting married to them. Before posting this I read some similar situations but I guess the main thing in my case is the cultural difference. I am in a tough spot. I know she loves me (she told me multiple times, she showed she’d do anything to make this work) and she’s interested in marriage, but I don’t know how I’m feeling towards her. I just feel bad.
5 comments
Beauty always fades. Spirit and soul do not. Which is most important to you? In time, she may become more beautiful to you in ways you never imagined.
Don’t marry someone you’re not physically attracted to
Honestly.. Don’t marry someone you’re not attracted to. Women needs to be desired, we need to know you’ll desire us as we get older, that you’ll always be attracted to our body as time goes on. That will only happen if you’re attracted to each other from the beginning. If you’re not attracted to her, don’t move forward. She will never feel loved like you said.
I was in your place about a year ago. I never felt attracted to my ex boyfriend from the beginning. I assumed I eventually will since he was an incredible man, he was good for me,and I was good for him. Our values were the same. For women usually it starts with emotional connection and then physical. So i didn’t mind committing to him as. But as time moved on my physical attraction didn’t develop. It affected our sex life. I couldn’t even be my most affectionate self. I wanted any physical affection to be just done with. I felt uncomfortable doing anything physical with him. It was more like he was a friend to me and not a lover. I wasn’t attracted to him at all.
Eventually we broke up.. But he was hurt. He felt undesirable and unwanted the entire time. I think part of him resents me for not realizing my feelings sooner.
I hope my story somehow helps you decide. Remember you have a choice. (also the chance of cheating is higher when you’re not attracted to your partner. I personally never cheated but I often found myself questioning my relationship integrity while I was involved with my ex) All of us deserves to be physically desired as much as emotionally. Just like this woman.
Have you met her in person
Don’t marry someone you’re not attracted to. It’s not fair to her.