Tl;Dr: My boyfriend snooped into old emails to someone I was seeing before we started dating and I don’t know how to help him feel confident about what we have together now.
I (33,f) let him (32,m) use my old work computer to take notes and trusted he wouldn’t dive into my old “sent” folder. These emails were between me and a 3-week love-bomber, so he thinks I had a deep connection with someone else and he feels like he could have been anyone. We talked about it and I tried to reassure him that he has nothing to worry about. I get jealous too, sometimes. Everything is worth a conversation, and I’ve felt he’s given me those opportunities.
I came back from my sister’s tonight and he was drunk at a bar. I’m afraid this is going to sabotage a relationship that was otherwise great.
What would you do?
7 comments
Retroactive jealousy is concerning. More importantly. He broke trust.
It’s one thing to snoop and find out she cheated a week ago. Both are in the wrong… but snooping and feeling like that over a time where you weren’t together is just bad on him.
I would explain to him that while some of those things may have been distressing to read, there’s nothing there that would indicate issues between you guys in your current state. Reading those things regardless of time frame might be distressing to most… empathize with that. while what he did was wrong, he should see this as a sign he has nothing to worry about. If you’re willing to forgive him disrespecting your privacy, vocalize that and give him the opportunity to see past what he saw.
It was great until you found out his true colors.
He was going to reveal those side of himself sooner or later. You just gave him the opportunity sooner. Would you want to deal with the same problems down the line?
Does he not have past loves, relationships, or flings? Some extreme issues and jealousy to be upset about someone before him.
Why the fuck is it your responsibility to coddle his ego when he’s the one who broke your trust and invaded your privacy?
Snooping through my email would be an immediate halt to the relationship and a mandatory couples counseling- or we are done.
Fuck that.
Privacy, agency, respect, and trust are the most important elements to any relationship.
If those important things are not respected, that means I’m not respected.
Not worth it.
Edit: It’s not even got anything to do with the past fling, that’s not even worth discussion- he crossed a much bigger line, and that’s the core issue.
I would get angry.
And likely tell him point-blank that I don’t want to date someone who casts judgment on me like that, cannot believe me when I speak, and who goes digging around on my personal devices looking for something to attack me over.
I would not be petting his ego right now. I’d be telling him he messed up, big time, and if he wants to be with me he needs to do better.
Your BF looked at few weeks of manipulation you experienced with someone else, before you two were dating, and decided to make that experience all about him, and decided that it was you who shouldn’t be trusted.
I’d be insulted. I’d be pissed.
This wasn’t just a breach of trust. That kinda smells like a deliberate tactic.
Stop petting his ego. Tell him he fucked up. Big time. If he wants to be with you, and worthy of you, he needs to start by respecting you when you speak and not trying to emotionally blackmail you like this. It’s understandable that what he found was upsetting, but that is it. Upsetting is all of it. The rest of this BS judgment of your character (*it could have been anyone*) is not acceptable and will not lead to a healthy relationship for either of you. You don’t owe it to him to further explain or grovel. He owes it to you to get a damn grip.
How can YOU help HIM feel more secure??? He’s giving you trouble over stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with him. That is a sign of things to come. You dont need to make him feel secure you need to leave.