How do you open up to your woman without it being seen as “trauma dumping?”

27 comments

1. Depends entirely on the woman and the situation. Maybe not start rambling about your situation and just slowly take steps and talk about how you feel.

2. If a girl sees a man showing vulnerability as a bad thing then they don’t deserve a man.

   I think what’s perhaps important is letting conversations flow naturally. Don’t just start talking about the time your uncle touched your peepee when you’re watching Stranger Things. Take her out, get into deep convo, learn about her past traumas and relate by sharing yours.

3. Maybe pose this question in ask women?

   I mean they are the ones that bring up trauma dumping

4. Man, I’ve never seen that term before, but if you find yourself with someone who isn’t fully invested in you and fully knowing you, as well as just for your well being, cut your losses and move on.

   Communication is key in any relationship. Maybe start the convo off with simply asking if they’d like to hear some of your experiences as they’re things that you’d like to share. If they’re not into that, I hope the sex is good at least 🙂

5. Trauma dumping? You mean…communicating?

   I don’t know what social media is telling you but there’s a giant gap between treating your partner as your personal therapist and simply communicating in a healthy way.

6. I don’t – I handle that shit on my own, I get shit faced or I go talk this stuff out with my buddies or shrink. It’s always B.S. when women say they want their men to be vulnerable more emotional etc. and it became popular to say it. Deep down though, women won’t respect you if you do and they’ think you’re weak. You exist to support them and their children, not the other way around.

7. You should be able to talk about past experiences in conversation with a partner you are dating. Especially if you guys are moving past that talking stage.

   What’s important is that you don’t project that trauma on her or completely bad mouth your ex. You also don’t want to make it look like your not over your ex. Share what happened and the impact it had or still has on you.

   But before hand be sure you also reflect on exactly why you want to share these details and what you truly hope to achieve from the conversation.

8. It took me nearly 10 years to open up to my wife. My troubles are my own and I will only share them with those I trust; otherwise, they have no need to know. Women will tell you to open up, but they really don’t want to hear about what’s going on or what you’ve been through – you’ll know when they truly care. A few months is way too early to be giving your life story to someone… I mean you’re not even out of the dating/“puppy love” phase yet. Get to know each other, then try to start understanding each other.

9. Is that when I poop on her?

10. there are two things to consider here:

    1) date someone that is kind, empathetic, and wouldn’t call you communicating something about yourself “trauma dumping”.
    2) don’t concern yourself too much with social media. most of it is an echo chamber and if you’re dating a good girl, she isn’t going to be the type to fit into herd mentality with toxic people

    with that said: you definitely want to introduce that kind of topic the right way though. there is a time and a place, and a right way to approach opening up about details about things you’ve experienced.

    if you think she has those qualities and you’re at that place in your relationship, then approach the topic with finesse.

    I wouldn’t date anyone that you can’t be open with about yourself.

11. I think the key difference between being open and unloading all your problems on a woman is what you are doing about said problems and what you expect her to do. I have problems, also had problems I have since dealt with. I have been open about them with my wife. But, they are *MY* problems and primarily my responsibility. Although I’m quite happy when she is there for me to lean on when I need it.

    I have known several men (and women of course) who have a tendency to latch onto a sympathetic person and almost “transfer” their emotional problems onto them. At which point they act like the other person is now responsible for dealing with it. Don’t do that.

12. “trauma dumping” it’s literally as if every woman is trying to victimize themselves in every damn uncomfortable experience they have

13. Gradually. Not all at once. I don’t think you should take her on a roller-coaster ride through all of your pain and suffering now that it’s been a few months. “Opening up” can mean being a little more transparent about how you really feel, or talking about some things that bother you at an appropriate time. Emotional openness is a spectrum – a dimmer switch, not an on/off switch. Turn the dimmer up a little. See what happens. If she’s supportive and feels comfortable sharing things with you (not necessarily in that moment), that’s a good sign. It should be mutual, both in terms of sharing and support. The trust you need to share the hardest of your past experiences and deepest of your insecurities/fears/pain will build over time as you share lower-stakes things. It could take a long time, and that’s fine.

    If you’re carrying around so much misery that you can’t help but let it all out at once, I’m sorry to hear that and it’s okay to be in pain, but you should talk to a therapist about that. Your girlfriend is your girlfriend, most are not trained as therapists, and even therapists are not on the clock when they’re dating. The goal is emotional *support*, not emotional *dependence*, especially this early in a relationship.

14. Opened up one time. It took her les than a week to use those words against me. Never again.

15. Shit, my experience is never show your woman weakness. If you have to vent, go to a therapist or your bros.

16. Huh. I’ve never heard that term before. Well, I can tell you what I did/ do. Learn to read body language and pick your stories.

    Don’t unload everything all at once. One trauma at a time, whichever one is most relevant to the situation at hand. Ok, you can explain how your uncle once touched your pp while watching Stranger Things because she asked if you wanted to watch it. But it’s not the time to bring up how you once when you accidentally rear ended a clown car and 47 people in facepaint sued you for whiplash. Tell that one later.

    Read facial cues and body language. If you’re going to far, pump the brakes. If she looks disgusted, stop. Work that one out when you get drunk with your buddies.

17. Wow, this has really been the theme of the last two weeks on AskMen with lots of related posts. Queue the “Not all women…” comments, the claims that you’re making this up, and other general comments the somehow dismiss your lived experience.

18. You don’t

19. Honestly, I wouldn’t. Truth is your partner probably doesn’t want to know everything about you yet. Not because she doesn’t care but because she’s just wanting to enjoy you as new, fun person in her life. Talk to your friends or a parent or a qualified third party like a councillor. Don’t giver her that responsibility yet. My advice would be to wait six months to a year before sharing traumatic things with you partner.

    At that point, there’s enough emotional capital in the love bank to be able to make the kind of withdrawal that sharing something traumatic would require. Good luck and take care.

20. In your specific situation let it come up naturally as part of a conversation. Don’t just lead with “my uncle touched my pp when I was 12.” Also y’all have only been dating for a few months, you barely know each other. Let it be fun and enjoy the honeymoon phase.

    More generally, there is a big gap between sharing your past experiences and expecting your partner to be your therapist. Don’t make your problems her responsibility; while your problems may not be your fault, they are your problems to deal with.

    In any case you should probably see a therapist if you can. I don’t mean this as a put down. I think most people would benefit from therapy.

21. That’s the neat part , you don’t

22. Why are you letting people you don’t know in real life dictate how you behave toward the people you do.

23. Talk to your mates or family. Women want security and strength. Crying on her shoulder ain’t that. She’ll see you as weaker than you were and that’s not a good thing. Harsh reality!

24. It’s not your fault that a lot of women don’t realise that empathy is often hard and uncomfortable.

25. I don’t. Nor do I wish to hear about her stuff.

26. Don’t do it. Women always SAY they want their men to “share more” and “open up” but when you do, now you’re a whiny bitch who they can’t be attracted to or have any respect for. See horror stories on here all the time about this happening; hell, it happened to me.

27. Timing is important. Don’t spill all the beans at once. Share, but don’t treat her like a personal free therapist. And most importantly, don’t hijack the conversation when she is trying to bring up her own issues. Make time for your own, separate conversation instead.