The answer is probably obvious: The right person won’t care either way (experienced vs not). But I am curious to see opinions from men on why you, personally, do OR don’t care about a woman’s lack of experience. Is it a turn off? Does it make you hesitate to pursue a woman? Or do you not care at all? And please no “experience” shaming toward those with little experience OR those with a lot of experience.
Full context for those who want/need it:
I’ve (23F) never been in a relationship unless you count the two weeks I dated someone in the 8th grade where we didn’t even talk in person. Outside of that two week “relationship” in middle school (how and why it ended is a perfect representation of my social awkwardness), I’ve never gone through the talking stage with anyone. Never been on a dating app. And I’ve never done anything sexual/intimate. Never been kissed. I haven’t even held hands romantically. So I have zero experience.
There are many reasons for why that’s the case: social anxiety, not putting myself out there, lack of confidence, etc. It’s NOT because I’m religious and waiting until marriage. I’ve just never really had a strong desire to have a boyfriend/have sex, I guess.
My focus has always been more on school/work/family/friends & myself in general. And I’m pretty introverted so I enjoy spending time alone and I like to stay in and read (but I do leave my home to go to movies, sporting events, concerts, etc. or eat out with friends/family so I’m not a complete homebody). Ironically, I read a lot of romance books and many of them have smut. So every once in a while I do think that maybe having a person I’m close to, romantically and intimately, would be nice. Maybe??
I’m not necessarily ashamed by my lack of experience, but it does make me feel behind. Everyone in my life is way more experienced than I am. The thought of getting on a dating app is *terrifying*, and I’m not sure I’ll ever want to do that. It sounds like a lot of people use those to just hook up (only speaking based on what I heard/saw throughout college so I could be very wrong), which is fine.
But I’d be looking for a long-term commitment/relationship with someone who understands it’ll take time for me to be 100% comfortable with them. Someone who’s okay with experiencing all my firsts *with* me but who also understands I probably won’t be ready for some of them right away. And someone who understands that I’ve never been in a relationship and many things, in general, will be *very* new to me.
But I don’t know how many men have the patience for all of that, you know?
If you read all of that, props to you. Apologies for the length, but I wanted to provide full context to those who need/want it!
18 comments
As long as she’s a good person I really don’t care if the girl isn’t experienced, that can be refined through out the relationship.
To me it does, it seems like the more relationships they’ve been through the better at everything they are, sex included. In my experience people who haven’t had many relationships are very bad at communicating and just all around kind of a nuisance to date, as opposed to people whove been around the block a few times and aren’t afraid to spit the truth
I’m not really opposed to either side of the spectrum, I just don’t see myself dating either really. Someone with very little experience could be a bit frustrating as I don’t really wanna wait while they ease into sex and learn the ropes, could be a long process. And women who are extremely experienced are typically not the kind of girl interested in me, and vice versa
I would prefer she has very little sexual/relationship experience since it reduces the risks of STIs and emotional issues that can come with having numerous former partners.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve shown interest in a woman only to find she’s been emotionally abused by exes to the point of mistrusting even the slightest amount of interest and affection. It’s not like I’d never date them but it’s exhausting trying to be patient for them to maybe decide to trust me.
Personally, I don’t really care. I’d rather someone be more like yourself, than the opposite.
As for dating… A lot of it is hookup based. Thats true for apps, and the more traditional methods. Hookup culture has just gotten a lot more…vibrant, over the years. So seeing someone like yourself, to me, would be a breath of fresh air.
Just keep on being yourself. I’ll just leave you with this, as I was in a similar boat. The longer you put off partaking in the dating scene, the harder it’ll become. Nerves, anxiety, mental issues are… Hard, and the more you give in, the harder it becomes to get out.
I read most of it and I’d say that it’s really not going to matter. The introvert thing can actually be endearing and I’m hoping that your social anxiety has subsided. Anyway, I don’t think you have anything to worry about regarding your experience level.
You remind me of an old friend of mine who’d I’d be happy to date. Very similar kind of life and experience. I’ve put a lot of thought into what I want in a partner over the years, so I have a decent understanding of what it would require to date a gal with no experience. We were close when we were younger but I was too wild for her. I’ve settled down and realized I’d like someone without all the soul crushing experience the world has to offer. It could get annoying, but as long as she was open minded and patient, I would be too. I know what it’s like to be super shy and awkward. That was me for the longest time.
I think you’ll be ok as long as you find the right guy. I’d say be completely open, honest, and confident with any men you meet. The players and frat boys will get bored and/or impatient(hopefully) and leave you alone so you don’t waste a ton of time. Look for slightly older guys, maybe 25+, who have hobbies and a stable lifestyle. Maybe a little on the boring side. They’ll likely be more mature than some of the more exciting men out there. I used to be wild and fun, but I hate who I once was.
Finding a life partner is such a complicated endeavor. Take your time, prepare for disappointment and heartbreak, keep an open mind. Wishing you the best. Last thought: try not to compare yourself to others and their progress. Is a quick way to crippling depression. Work towards being someone you love and enjoy.
my (27m) gf (26f) has never been in a rs before / i am her first bf due to her being busy prior and being a little commitment phobic
i think the initial stages of the rs will have some form of the more experienced partner “leading” in terms of sexual dynamics and conversations about rs issues and expectations and boundaries
but as long as it’s not in a condescending/know it all way (i always seek my gf’s opinions on matters), personally i think it’s fine.
for your case, i think it won’t be difficult or it shouldn’t be difficult to find a partner who is patient. i mean such patience would form rhe foundational basis for your rs in the long run anyway.
>I’ve just never really had a strong desire to have a boyfriend/have sex, I guess.
This would be the main issue I think.
Men don’t care that you are inexperienced, indeed in and of itself men would generally prefer women not have an overly promiscuous past.
The issue may be that you aren’t that interested in sex or romance to have come this far.
Most guys prefer a lack of experience. Nobody cares.
Nope, it is all about her willingness to spread her legs. If she is a prude she is boring.
Who I am to judge. It’s not my place, especially since I have no experience myself, it would be very hypocritical of me to do so. But I’d honestly welcome it, as the woman’s personality is a lot more important to me.
We both don’t have any experience for similar reasons so I would absolutely not consider it a turnoff.
It might sound cheesy, but a real man doesn’t care if he’s her 1-st or 100-th, he cares about being her best and isn’t afraid of a challenge.
The lack of desire for a partner is the red flag there. I dated a 26 year old virgin and it wasn’t an issue. She had desire though.
Not if she’s willing to listen and learn
I prefer experienced women who know themselves and know a thing or two about men.
However, it wouldn’t stop pursuing someone because of lack of experience. I guess it could be also very fun and interesting to be her partner for her sexual awakening.
What really matter for me sexually in a woman is neither experience or inexperience but openness about sexuality and what it has to offer and desire to experiment and play. This is completely independant from experience.
I’d much rather the girl be inexperienced than “too experienced”. And this ain’t shaming, everyone has the right to preference and I want my SO to not have been with a lot of sexual partners.