My wife is currently 5 months pregnant, so I know this is something we have time to discuss, but it’s still bothering me. This would be our first child so I’m trying not to stress her out, but I know I can’t let this just fester in me so I wanted to talk things out here and make sure I don’t say something stupid. We talked a few days ago about what plans she wanted to do when it came to deliver, and she wanted to go to our nearby hospital where her OB practices and have her deliver. Made perfect sense, but her OB told her that the hospital is still using Covid restrictions and limiting her to have 1 support person in the room.
I figured she’d pick me, but instead she told me she was considering taking her best friend Ashley with her. For some backstory, while Ashley is her best friend, we’ve had a few discussions where I felt like she was prioritizing Ashley over me and how I felt like a 3rd wheel in our own relationship, especially early on. To my wife’s credit she’s gotten a lot better about this and improved her boundaries.
We talked about this and I asked why Ashley? She’s never had a kid so she doesn’t know what’s going on, and if my wife thinks Ashley is more supportive than I am, why did she even marry me? The other thing is that I’m a family physician, and part of my residency training included delivering babies, I delivered 15 during training so if anything, I’d be more helpful since she knows I’m not going to panic at seeing blood, and that I could understand what is going on. Hell, I told her I’d be fine if she took her mother over either of us, at least her mom had 4 kids before so she definitely knows what’s going on, and we’ve never fought over her like we did Ashley.
She said that she doesn’t think either of us is more supportive, it’s just that she had promised Ashley when they were younger that they’d be in the delivery room for each other. That just confused me even more and I asked why did that matter over her own husband getting to be there and hold his child? I asked her what it would be like if I was having an important surgery and told her to stay at home so I could bring someone else, and she said it was different and that she didn’t want to argue it anymore.
The problem is that now she says she’ll take some more time on who to take with her, and I feel like I’m forcing my wife to take me when ultimately, she’s the one undergoing the major procedure. It’s like I’m trapped between a rock and a hard place. Either I go, and my wife resents me for making her break her promise, or I don’t go and then I resent my wife for not letting me be there. I know we need to talk through this, but I don’t want to keep hassling her and adding more stress to her pregnancy, anyone else been in a situation like this before?
39 comments
… wut. Boundaries need to have been made long ago. Her friend shouldn’t be anywhere near you in terms of priority
This is definitely quite the situation, and not really a good answer other than talk it out.
Yes your wife is the one undergoing the delivery which we all know is a major procedure fraught with potential complications. She should bring someone she feels comfortable with. That being said, unless you’ve done something to her in the past where she felt like she can’t rely on you, I would be telling her to bring you, and then do something like let Ashley be one of the first visitors she allows to hold the newborn.
I’m also wondering how much Ashley wants to be there if your wife has asked her already. Does she remember making the promise? During that rough early patch, do you think it was Ashley actively getting in the way, or more your wife didn’t know how to balance her friendship and her relationship with you? Because if Ashley is a reasonable person, she may tell your wife to bring you and be happy with visiting later.
Take a few days to calm down broaching the subject again, maybe give your wife some time to be the one to bring it up again, and only if she doesn’t in a week or so, you can bring it up gently.
I wish you and your wife the best.
Dude she is having your baby, you dont need to stress her but honestly IMO this would be non negotiable. You are going to raise that kid not her friend. Also you say you dont want her to resent you but are you not going to resent her if she chooses her friend over you to be the first people to welcome your baby into the world.
Wow, just wow. I’ve had two kids one a C-section, I was there for both – just for reference. personally I can’t imagine my wife choosing someone else who’s not a family member to be there over me, for the delivery of my child. I think you being a doctor only makes it that much worse of an insult especially given your history with this “preferred” friend. Tbh, I think you need to be selfish here because if you’re not something worse might happen like ongoing resentment of your wife and especially her friend. You’re certainly not an a****** for wanting to be present for the birth of your own child. Christ, you even magnanimously offered to let her choose her mother without issue.
To me, honestly it sounds like she making excuses and there is a deeper issue for not wanting you there that she isn’t saying. Because u made a promise when you were a kid seems like a stretch to me… might of been possible before the pandemic but now it’s not. Her friend should be expecting her to choose u at this point. I would plainly say that if your not able to be there for the birth of your own child because of her choice .. you are going to grow to resent her for it even if you don’t want to. Is that something she’s prepared to deal with ? If not, then u should be able to work on it.
What is Ashley’s stance on this? Seems to me if she also doesn’t recognize the absurdity of this, something is wrong then.
>She said that she doesn’t think either of us is more supportive, it’s just that she had promised Ashley when they were younger that they’d be in the delivery room for each other.
Imagine kicking your husband out of the delivery room because you made a promise as a tween. Your wife is hilariously immature, enjoy raising a kid with her. Will Ashley need to weigh in on baby’s schedule, feeding plans, and education decisions?
When that was promised to Ashley, there was no way to know a restriction would be in place, I’m sure in that moment she also envisioned her husband in the room with Ashley which is all fine and good. But there IS a restriction, if Ashley can’t understand that the situation is the reason she can’t be there, not your wife’s wishes, then she needs help. Your wife should be able to see the difference as well. It’s your child! Nothing outweighs that!
“I love you and want you to be as comfortable as possible during delivery and I don’t want to pressure you into bringing me because I respect your needs and appreciate what you are going through to bring our child into the world. This is really, really important to me too though. I want to be there to know that you and the baby are safe and to support you. I want to see your eyes light up when you see and hold our baby for the first time. And I want to be there when our child enters the world and to tell him/her about it years later. I know I said that I would be okay with you bringing your mother instead, because really I wish you could have us all there. But if there can only be one person in the room with you, it would mean a lot to me to be that person. And as the child’s father and your husband, I think I belong there. Just let me know what you need from me – to be silent and strong, to give advice, to root you on – whatever it is and I will do my best to support you during delivery. I want to be your partner in this, not the old fashioned dad who waited out in the waiting room to toast.”
It doesn’t matter who would know more about deliveries. This is your child and she’s taking that experience from you.
The way you describe this friendship has me suspicious more is going on than a “just friends”
I would tell her that the birth of a child is the, THE most important moment in a family’s history and I’ll be devastated if you chose not to include me.
Prioritizing a childhood promise over a father getting to see his first child born is just…wow. If that happened to me I don’t think I could make the relationship work anymore.
You might see if she’s willing to go to couples counseling about it. A professional, objective opinion might be easier for your wife to accept without resentment for breaking her original promise. Or, maybe you’ll find a different reason she’s prioritizing this woman over you. Worth it either way, imo.
You guys need to go to marriage counseling. This is a big thing that is added to all the other things. Your spouse shouldn’t be second to a friend all the time. This is not cool. You need to insist on it.
Mom abso decides who is with her – birth is a major medical event, and the patient decides. Period.
It doesn’t bode well for your marriage that her friend is more important than you are.
I mean, little girls of course dream of adult life, and for lots of us, we dreamed of marrying brothers, living next door to one another, raising our children together ( and/or variations on that theme). And at the time, we mean it – it never occurs to us that anyone could be more important than our BFF.
When we grow up – if we actually do grow up – we form adult romantic relationships. And if we are actual adults, our SO becomes the most important relationship in our lives.
I’m afraid it sounds rather Like your wife has either (1) not made an adult adjustment, or (2) is far more involved with Ashley than you know.
Ok so yes, birth is not a spectator sport and the person having the major medical event should choose who is there with them. With that being said, if your relationship is otherwise healthy and happy and you’re supportive and caring- I would be extremely upset about this.
Is it possible your wife is in love with Ashley? Or vice versa? I cannot imagine having my best friend instead of my husband there with me, and we’ve been friends for 24 years.
I would make this my hill to die on. I don’t think fathers have automatic rights to the delivery room. I can think of a lot of examples and reasons why someone might prefer their mother or a friend. But if this relationship is happy and healthy- then it’s cruel to exclude your husband and father of the child from the delivery room.
You need to make this clear to her. You will forever resent Ashley and your wife for this.
Would she be amicable to switching hospitals? She’d have to go without her OB, but maybe she could deliver somewhere that lets her have 2 guests.
Ashley may not even want to go at all. Sounds like your wife hasn’t even asked her yet.
Dude wtf? This matter shouldn’t even be up to discussion….
I would tell my wife she can choice whoever but if she doesn’t choose me that saus something about our marriage. If i am not the first choice for her to comfort her and she wants to experience this without me we have big problems. And you dont want big problems when the biggest relationship test Just arrives… Your child. I would probably reconsider the marriage. This isnt a marriage i would want to be in.
I’m as appalled as the rest here, but you aren’t getting much advice. You need to continue this discussion as soon as possible without it escalating, so keep calm and your wits about you. Keep accommodating her in regards to the pregnancy and supportive in how a father should be.
From there I’d delve into where the difference between you and Ashley lies in the realm of support. Be proactive about it, be engaged, take action to foster a good environment so that when the baby does arrive, no matter her choice you did everything you could.
If she doesn’t choose you, I’d think long and hard about whether this marriage is the right choice for the both of you – while still supporting the baby – as you mentioned issues with Ashley already existed so I doubt they go away. In the end, it’s your kid too, and while I endorse a woman’s right to childbirth (or to even choose that end) in her own preference, it seems like she’s choosing Ashley over your marriage.
This sounds a lot like she is masking a different reason to not want you there.
But also, would Ashley even accept this? Id be super reticent to accept that kind of role under these circumstances.
As a physician you know that birth doesn’t always go as planned. What if your wife had a complication or gets into a potentially life threatening situation and she isn’t able to communicate or make her own decisions? As next of Kin legally these decisions would default to you but that would be complicated when you’re not there to assess the situation first hand and be with your wife during the process. Alternatively would she want Ashley to make those calls? Would Ashley even feel comfortable making that call? If something happened to your baby and you weren’t able to be there could you ever forgive her?
Obviously you don’t want to guilt your wife into something and have her resent you for it, as you stated, but I think there are a lot of factors that should be discussed beforehand.
You need couple’s therapy. It seems Ashley is a bigger problem and can become a bigger issue.
Unless Ashley was there when baby was conceived, the choice is easy.
Priorities, priorities…
If I was Ashley, I’d tell her to get a grip.
Needless to say your wife gets the final say. That said if my Wife didn’t chose me (assuming I’ve been a supportive spouse and will be properly supportive during birth) over her friend based on an old promise the relationship would be in very serious jeopardy. If you prioritize your friend over your spouse for no reason other then an old promise I think you have a serious inability to prioritize the relationship.
It’s up to her. All you can do is be honest about how you feel with her. It’s your child too. The ball is in her court.
If it were me and my wife kept me out of the delivery room, it would damage our relationship. I’m not saying it isn’t something I couldnt get past but it would be a set back.
I have known women who have been incredibly nervous about letting their husbands see them “like that”. Pushing a baby out through their vagina while pooping themselves and screaming and crying while they tear clit to asshole, basically. There can be a fear there that after a man sees that, he can’t go back to seeing you as beautiful and sexy. It’s not as common among our generation, but some women definitely grow up being told that by mothers, aunts, and grandmothers. And some women just feel more comfortable with other women in the room. Does Ashley have children? Maybe she’s finding the idea of being with someone who has been through the process itself comforting?
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You’re totally justified in feeling upset about this and I think you definitely should continue this conversation. A conversation made to a friend in childhood before COVID restrictions is a stupid reason to keep your husband out of the delivery room, I’m just not convinced it’s actually The Reason.
Maybe she’s embarrassed to be seen in that state by you? I’ve heard that before. Talk about it.
Sorry to say but it sounds like your wife is quite a bit into Ashley, to an extent that may hurt your marriage. I would recommend having a discussion about this with your wife, if she doesn’t see a problem you may need marriage therapy.
It’s not normal to prioritize a friend to this extent over your husband.
I’m in the minority, but the delivery isn’t about you. It’s not about Ashley. It’s a MEDICAL PROCEDURE after which your wife will be knocked on her ass for a few months.
I would do a factual nudge – remind her of who her medical proxy is.
My wife didn’t want me looking “down there” during childbirth because she didn’t want my perception of her to change when things got messy. Perhaps she’s got feelings like this, where she wants to protect the image you have of her and that’s why she really wants her friend there?
I don’t understand the dynamic your wife and her friend have, so obviously this is just spitballing
I would maybe post this on r/pregnant so you actually get people who are pregnant and have those experiences.
R/relationship tends to have a bunch of folks who may not give the best advice in this situation.
I would just say that you tell your wife how important it is for you to be there and this will hurt if you aren’t there. You do need to be an advocate for yourself. Be gentle but be honest or something like this is gonna eat you up inside for a long time.
I am saying this as a father who now has a 4 month old and had some similar situations.
INFO: in what other ways has your wife prioritized Ashley in the past? Just want to see the pattern
Nurse weighing in-
Gentle reminder, though you are the child’s father, your WIFE will be the one doing all the work, and she has every single right to choose who is with her when she is delivering.
That being said, would you be upset if she chose her own Mother over you? Or her sister? Or YOUR mother?
Some moms just do NOT want a man in the room with them unless he’s a medical professional (it’s perfectly normal, btw).
Also, just an FYI, a lot of labor and delivery departments are going “back to the way things were” where multiple chosen loved ones can rotate in and out during labor up to the point where mom actually delivers.
Maybe you can compromise and bestie can be there to help her with labor up to the actual point of delivery and then you swap, and you go in during the toughest part.
Maybe if you phrase it like that, that bestie can still be present prior to actual delivery to support your wife, but you want to be there for the actual moment of birth, she will agree.
I think couples counseling may be the answer here. All the other reasons you listed aside, you two are married. That means you two, your relationship, should come first. I can’t imagine preventing my spouse from missing our child’s first moments because of a schoolyard promise I made to an old friend. That’s insane.
This is your child….. as a woman who has recently birthed two babies – one with my mother & husband present, the other with just my husband and I (due to Covid) – I can’t believe she’s suggesting to rob you of the experience of watching your first child be born to keep a childhood promise…..
This is by far the most important and significant event in BOTH of your lives thus far and Ashley has zero to do with it.
As a side note: here in BC, Canada it is still Covid rules but a support person and spouse are two different things. You can have your spouse with you from start to finish, though they are restricted to only leaving the ward once in a 24 hour period. You are then also allowed a support person, who can be there during labour and up to 4 hours after baby arrives. After 4 hours they must leave. This allows for doulas, etc to be present.
This is weird. I’m mad for you.
Why did you marry Ashley’s GF in the first place?
Is she having a c-section delivery? Otherwise, she’s not “undergoing a major procedure.” She’s having a perfectly normal vaginal delivery… of *your* child. Ashley will have plenty of time to get over a stupid childhood promise, but you only will get to see the delivery of your baby once. It only happens once. If you’re lucky, they will lift the restrictions to a better level in the next 4 months, as many other Labor and Delivery units already have… because wifey seems to be in a selfish spot rn. Best of luck to you.
If she’s choses her over you. Divorce time or at least planning cause shit stinks.