Me (25f) and my bf (26m) have been together a year and a bit.
Recently I found out he’s had a lengthy sexual history, being with so many girls he’s lost count, including threesomes.
Our sex life is great, and I’ve assumed he’s had lots of experience because he’s so good and confident. But knowing that he’s told me for sure he’s had all these wild experiences gives me this jealous, icky feeling. And it’s hard to let go of as I keep reminding myself (more like mentally torturing myself).
Anyone else ever felt this way? Advice on how to look past it?
TDLR: some jealous feelings after hearing about my bfs past
22 comments
If you read enough posts here you’ll see it’s pretty common thing people struggle with.
Does it make you feel like you’re comparing yourself to all his previous experiences?
I think that’s pretty standard early in relationships, especially when you’re younger.
I understand completely. the guy I’m with now also has had way more adventurous experiences than I, and with gorgeous women. He was also around many women due to his old occupation….Hearing about all of it def triggered some insecurity issues at first…I still have moments lol… I just tell myself that was the past, and he’s obviously content with what we have sexually or he’d be going elsewhere…. Just try to look at it as a positive, he HAD those women, now he has you. You must be doing something right! If it really bothers you try talking to him about how hearing details makes you feel a little insecure and maybe he can help squash some of that….
Everyone has a sexual past. Best thing is to try and not think about it too much.
He can’t hold your sexual past over your head. So the respect should go both ways.
A few things here
1. What you’re feeling is ok and normal
2. If your partner’s history is important to you (it’s not important to a lot of people) ask it asap. Dont wait a year or when it comes up naturally. You may be too involved but may not like the answer
3. Be careful about asking questions you don’t want answers to
I think you should talk to a therapist and unpack where these feelings are coming from.
Remind yourself that if you erased all the past people in his life he wouldn’t be the same person and your paths likely wouldn’t have crossed. Everything caused him to be the man you’re in a relationship with now. Presumably you like that man, so his past should be appreciated for making him who he is.
Man the double standard for gender on this sub is pretty noticeable with these responses
As a polyamorous person I learned how to lean into my jealousy and work with it. And regardless of whether or not I’m dating one person or multiple people- doing the work to not my jealousy control me was one of the better gifts I gave myself. So I am excited for you- because if you want to let this shit go- you can- and you will feel so much better when you can manage jealousy and communicate about the crap that is usually under it. Also- this is really common. I think it is tied very deeply to our sense of survival. So don’t beat yourself up- just take responsibility for it.
1. Let go of the idea that you will be everything your partner wants and needs. It’s not possible. It is a really romantic notion. But its bullshit baked into every romantic piece of media we consume. Instead focus on the fact that ***YOU*** are the person he is choosing to be with. You are two whole people with lots of complex wants and needs and how you line up is exactly what he wants in a relationship right now because he is choosing to be there just like you are.
2. “There will always be women in leather”- I’m paraphrasing that from the musical rent. There is a scene where one character looses her mind because her girlfriend is flirting with a woman in leather. And the truth is: there is always going to be someone around who you will think is hotter than you, older, younger, cooler, sexier, smarter or a better fit for whomever you are dating than you. In a world of 7 billion, how can there not be? But there are two things to keep in mind- 1. Just because someone is “insert quality here” doesn’t mean your partner is interested in leaving you for them. When I was your age I dated a model. Let me tell you- people were constantly coming on to her and it drove me batshit crazy. Same with this punk dj who had a local following of adoring fans. The funny thing- years later their spouses are not that different from me. The other girls they dated after me were not all that different. Because truth: ***we are all hot women in leather***. Someone feels just as wary about you being around their partner as you do of whomever. You just can’t see it.
3. Let yourself feel it: it won’t actually kill you. Jealousy feels like the end of the world at the time you are in it. Learn to let yourself feel it fully- on a timer. Scream into a pillow- hit a punching bag- let it out- and ask yourself what you are really afraid of? Is there content or is it pure monkey brain survival stuff? It may be different every time. – Just don’t take it out on your partner.
4. Practice imagining what scares you. Is it adventurous sex with his college gf? Him holding hands with someone else? Recognize you are not dead and your partner is still your partner. Your agreement to be together is intact. Side note- you’d be surprised for some people-
There is also a mix of jealousy and “that’s kinda hot” going on at the same time. That is not unusual. Also- it can help you identify what you want more of.
5. In your head- thank the girls before you who taught him how to be a boyfriend, lover and friend. Even if you hate them- they set you up for what you have now. Both jealousy and gratitude can exist at the same time.
6. Stop thinking of love from a place of scarcity. This is one that really takes some work. Truth is: if you broke up someone else will love you just as much as your bf. But we are taught to believe that this isn’t the case. Beauty and love are around you- it is abundant. But we are so scared of the temporary devastation of being hurt- granted- it really fucking hurts- that we close ourselves off from recognizing how much is around us. So- practice seeing and appreciating the beauty and love in your life. Think of it like a meditative discipline- or as a daydream when you are in line for coffee. It will help you to recognize that you are connected to the world around you, not cut off and funneling all your needs through your boyfriend.
Good luck. Remember- it is a percentage game. 1 or 2% less jealous will feel really good.
I had this problem with my ex, She told me she had a threesome with 2 dudes and it absolutely shattered how I viewed her and it bothered me for a long time.
Eventually i just told myself it was a ME problem and if i was around back then she probably woulda rathered been with me.
Now that I’m single, My plan in the future is to never talk about this stuff.
I wasn’t there for them at that time, So why should i care?
Whatever, we will make new memories
I was a virgin until 29 (male from India, yes it’s true). Busy building my career etc. The first woman I dated in the US had a body count of 20 (but later it turned out it was more like 60 because she didn’t consider one-night stands, causal sex, cousins, BJs and lesbian encounters included). My body count was 1. She casually used to mention things about her previous sexual encounters that made me feel like a child (a terrible feeling). Eventually I realized that although she has a higher sexual XP, I had more XP in other departments of life (work, trade, spirituality, bank balance, computer skills etc) that she never did. I still think sex is just over-glorified than it needs to be.
I had a relationship like that. And while everyone told me the same stuff everyone is saying here, I’ve come to realize that not everyone is able to just “not think about it” (which is ridiculous advice imo, assuming you have a functioning brain).
I’m always going to let things like that bug me, I’ll always have to think about it. It’s just who I am, and even if I think “it’s fine, she chose me” it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still thinking about it.
So the question is if you’re a person that can just not think about something like that and if not, if you’re fine with these thoughts popping up every now and then. But that’s a question only you can answer.
So, between my lady and I, *I’m* the one with the scandalous past. Not that I was ever super hot shit, but there‘s no comparison; I fucked and she didn’t. To make matters worse, some of those exes were professionally pretty, and none of them were much like her. And to make matters *even* worse; sh‘s known enough of them over the years.
ive had this conversation with her, and I wish there was some magic invocation I could teach your man to soothe your fears, but unfortunately the answer to your problem lies in how he treats you over an extended period.
I love my lady, I love doting on her, and I love spoiling her when I can. I tried to tell her that I didn’t love on those other girls the way that I love on her, but what good does telling her do? No, I have to show her, I have to demonstrate how I love her more over time. That’s all I can do to fix this for her.
has your man been showing you that he loves you more than all that pussy, or does he leave you unrequited in some manner? Because if you have that, then you can learn to live with all those sexy skeletons in his closet. If you don’t have that, then they will make it worse for you every time he does something shitty.
and lastly, since I’ve also been on the other end of this dynamic; don’t beat yourself up if you can’t hang. If you can’t get over this, then let it break your deal and block him as thoroughly as you can, bc he will move on about 6 hours after you leave him, and that will make it worse.
Nope. I couldn’t care less. He even still is friends with some of them. We’ve both been around a lot, probably me more than him. It’s the past. Someone along the way taught him some things I’m really glad he knows.
The only one that bothers me is the one who was abusive to him. It makes me sad to think of what she put him through.
I can relate. While my partner does not have a colorful sexual past, my sexual past is like… a completely blank canvas. I was 24 and a virgin when we got together, not necessarily by choice but no one I respected wanted to have sex with me. It was a sore spot for a long time, and still stings when I hear other people talk about their hookups and experiences. My ick and jealousy has faded over the years, and maybe yours will too! The more you’re together, the more secure you’ll hopefully feel.
People who say you shouldn’t care or the past doesn’t matter probably don’t have strong feelings about sex.
I only have sex in relationships and I don’t view sex as meaningless or emotionless. It is okay to want your partner to have the same values.
Another way of looking at it he has had every experience you could think of and still chose you.
No matter man or woman, I know it would be a deal breaker for me. Being demisexual, I believe in monogamy, and believe sex is something special you should explore with your forever partner.
It is normal to have those thoughts op. Don’t change yourself to fit what society might deem normal now. Sex is part of love, of course you will feel insecure/sad/not special knowing he was with way too many people before
And beware about taking advices from polyamorous people, they will think they know it all about relationships because they can manage several at the same times. Not everyone is the same, that’s the beauty of human nature
I am the person with the most more, let’s just say, thorough, sexual past in my relationship. Threesomes, moresomes, all kinds of shit. I also am at the point where I have make a rough guess at my total partner count. I’m engaged to someone I’ve been with for three years now, and if it makes you feel better, all that stuff truly barely even crosses my own mind anymore. I just don’t really think about it, ever. At this point it was long enough ago I frankly don’t even remember it all that well.
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I am not a super sexually jealous person so I don’t have advice about that. But I can tell you that if your boyfriend loves you, he DOES NOT really think much about any of those aspects of his past.
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I guess it’s kind of like – I’ve had a lot of good meals in nice restaurants, yet most of them I will never remember AT ALL for the rest of my life. For some, I can maybe remember what I ordered and that it was nice, but it’s not all that visceral. I don’t really spend time thinking about those meals or trying to remember them. And I’m certainly not trying to remember what the entree was at some restaurant three years ago when I’m halfway through something delicious right now, in the very current moment.
My ex was very similar however you do get past it. Once you realise they are in the past then you work to the future.
Shouldn’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to.
There’s a reason he’s not stayed with any of them and is with you, you’re more than somebody he can fuck, get that in your head.
Plus you get to enjoy the result of his experience, which is good performance in the bedroom, hard to get there mentally but it’s what I’ve been telling myself with my bf and it sure helped me a bit.