Hello All,
My husband and I have been having this ongoing “fight, issue, disagreement” for a few years now.
The issue was I didn’t make him feel wanted. He felt I wasn’t attracted to him because he felt he was always initiating anything sexual.
We recently started therapy and it came up but I expressed my efforts are there it just doesn’t seem like it’s enough for him and then he brought up how he wishes we can do spontaneous things while on the road / anal / oral and then it hit me.
It’s just no longer about feeling like he’s not wanted. He wants these things and he’s upset because he hasn’t gotten them. He needs these standards fulfilled which explains why this issue has never “resolved” I had told him that I don’t feel comfortable with the sexual activity on the road and anal. But despite that he still needs these things. And he doesn’t want me to start trying to do those things because he said now he’s forcing me which takes the fun out of it.
So what’s a girl to do?
12 comments
Having sex is feeling wanted to men, largely. You’re letting him inside your body. That’s a big deal to a guy. It means you want him.
As for the kinks, that is a different issue that can be sorted. But I’d work on what it takes to get you to want to have him inside of you. What will that take where you truly want him to have sex with you on a nightly basis?
I just saw a news article about a couple who crashed while engaged in a sex act so don’t do that while driving – you could end up hurting someone. And he doesn’t *need* anal, he *wants* anal. You two are allowed to like/dislike different sex acts but it’s important to be honest about what the problem is. If you think he’s feeling rejected so you initiate more because that’s what he told you the issue is when in reality what he wants is not for you to initiate but for you to do things you’re not comfortable with/don’t like, you two aren’t going to make any headway.
Hopefully continuing with counseling will help!
Oh rejection in a marriage sucks and builds up emotional walls.
I understand what he is talking about, he wants to feel wanted and clearly you aren’t doing that in the way he needs it. Maybe its expressed in extremes of sexual fantasies but it might also be the little things you aren’t doing that makes him feel rejected and unwanted.
Do you even know his Love Language?
I can guess he used to do a lot early in the relationship and you felt loved and wanted but now he is tired and was hoping you would do the same back for him but you haven’t….
The real issue here is communication
> I expressed my efforts are there it just doesn’t seem like it’s enough for him
How are you initiating sex? Are you doing it with any sort of passion or lust, or are you just mechanically saying “you want to have sex now?” like you’re asking him if he wants the blue drapes or the red drapes?
Further, once the sex actually starts, are you passionate and enthusiastic, or do you treat it like a chore you’re just doing to keep him happy?
It sounds like, more than those specific acts, he wants to try new things. Maybe talk about what you’re into and how to be more sexually open with one another.
Do you get enjoyment fulfilling his fantasies? If so, find something that you’re willing to try and do that for him.
Does he care about your feelings? If so, he needs to stop looking for acts that make you feel bad or turn you off.
This is how we treat sex in our marriage. If there’s something the other wants to try, generally we’re both willing to try. If either of us has a bad experience —or wants to stop— it’s not something we repeat (until/unless that partner changes their mind).
I think it’s a common desire for men to want women to initiate sex more. They have a higher sex drive than it’s just not going to happen naturally. It also seems to imply a bit of mind reading because they want you to do all these things and have it seem like you came up with the idea on your own.
Is he watching a lot of porn? That may be setting the impossible standard
Feeling wanted and adventurous aren’t quite the same but there is a level “sexiness” that women can only bring to a hetero relationship. It’s very difficult to explain but if you are more conservative in your sexuality then it appears that you no longer want him.
If every time you have sex, it is essentially scripted (no spontaneity or creativity) and he is initiating then it feels like a chore and not the most intimate and exciting part of your relationship.
Occasionally, men just want to feel desired.
>I had told him that I don’t feel comfortable with the sexual activity on the road and anal. But despite that he still needs these things.
He doesn’t need these things, even if he’s telling himself and telling you that he does.
He has to accept that just like there are sexual things that he would refuse to do, there are sexual things you refuse to do. Your reasons for refusing are justified. Your sexual boundaries have to be OK with him.
He’s extrapolated from him always initiating to believing you don’t want him, and from there that if you _did_ want him, you would do anal and road sex and other activities you’re not OK with. He has to accept that you want and enjoy sex with him without being the one to initiate, and that you can want and enjoy sex with him without risking car accidents and anal fissures.
If you can get him to agree with the above two statements, then there are things you can do to make him feel wanted. He wants sex to be a two way street. You can give that to him.
You _can_ initiate sex. It is within your power and abilities. All you have to do is take a moment where you feel warm and loving toward him, even if that feeling isn’t sexual, and take the first step. You can _decide_ to do this when the opportunity arises, instead of waiting until you feel _inspired_ to do it.
That first step doesn’t have to be explicit. It can be caressing his chest, kissing him on the mouth, hugging him and pressing your chest into him, etc. In his mind, he just needs to believe that if he takes the _next_ step, a more sexual step like undressing you or touching you intimately, it’s a continuation of what you started. If you try this and he doesn’t take the next step, don’t feel embarrassed or insecure. That’s how _he_ feels if he initiates and you turn him down. Just try again later.
You can also tell him after you’ve had sex that you loved it and that it felt great. Only say this if you did, actually, love it, but it’s very gratifying to hear that you were into it.
You can tell him the next day that you had fun last night, and you can do that at a time when he won’t be able to interpret it as an immediate invitation, like when he’s at work.
These are actions that start with you, not in response to something he did.
>But despite that he still needs these things.
Well, you’ve told him where you stand, so it sounds like he needs to take stock and decide which he wants more: your relationship or road sex and anal.
(Also, if by “on the road” he’s talking about things like “road head” that is extremely dangerous and irresponsible. Fuck that.)
> So what’s a girl to do?
Tell him the first bit.
Then have a conversation about *what else* could be on the table in terms of spontaneity or sexual exploration. And work on initiating more often.
Any conversation about sex devolves to her deciding I *hate* everything she *likes* and everything I like; I only like it because it’s humiliating degrading and painful for her.
Since she has decided I only like anal, and hate everything she likes, I guess I have my result, never talk about sexual preferences with your spouse.
If I declared I liked something, it’s immediately off the table.
I just do what she likes, and make time for my own interests and craving for affection on my own time where she won’t feel like I’m judging her for her preferences, or withholding affection.
We only do what she likes, when she decides. If I had a preference it’s long gone.
Now my preference is to make my own orgasms, away from judgement and shame, the brow beating and outbursts, the tears and accusations.. There is no communication, and that seems to suit her just fine 🙂
Stick to your boundaries. “Feeling wanted” is largely in his own head. Do you want him? Do you work through your discomfort in showing him you want him? Do you turn towards him? If you are actively wanting him in a way that’s authentic to you, then the hangup is his to resolve.
What did your therapist say to him about “needing” risky sex acts to feel wanted?