So I have gone on a date with a woman who told me she HATES it when her previous partners ask for consent for every little thing. “Can I hold your hand? Can I kiss you? I’d like to play with your hair, may I?” Etc. She hated that it broke the mood and was just annoying to answer every step of the way, and she told me that if I did something she didn’t want, she’d tell me. I’ve also talked to a platonic friend who said they appreciated check ins, and didn’t like the feeling of being pressured by “just doing things” from her partners.
So is it a weird question to just straight up ask what consent looks like to a potential partner? Please note, I’m 100% all about consent. I have zero interest in pushing the envelope.
I just like to know if a flirty “come hither” look is consent, or a verbal acknowledgement is what makes them comfortable? Want to make sure we’re all talking the same language with the same expectations.
But at the same time, I don’t know if that’s a “creeper question” that’ll get me just as ousted, lol.
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Truthfully, if I was talking to a guy on an app and he asked me that, I would 100% think he’s a creeper.
Being 100% about consent means observing safe words, not asking permission every time you breathe!
I don’t think that’s weird at all! I think it’s a great question tbh. I’m always questioning if that flirt or what she said or what she did is a green light. I’d rather just be blunt about it
I think going off of someone’s energy and checking in now and then is the move. You don’t always have to ask permission to kiss someone (although I totally do because I don’t want to go in for a kiss and be rejected. Or I say… I’d like to kiss you and let them kiss me.) But as things are progressing, just being like hey are you cool with this so far. And just say, let me know if I’m doing something you don’t like. Or even better ask .. what do you like? Or what do you want to do/want me to do right now. I think there are casual, natural ways to get consent that don’t require an outright, can I do this to/with you question.
I personally think that if someone dislikes consent conversations to the point they are complaining about it, I don’t know if I necessarily want to be with that person. It feels very immature.
Especially with COVID, it’s a conversation we need to have at least once. Unfortunately men are supposed to initiate but also don’t know nowadays when or how that’s appropriate.
“Can I initiate absolutely everything?
Can we kiss whenever we feel like the mood is right?”
For the main question this wouldn’t bother me and I’d be thankful for being asked because I think “no means no” is terrible even for basic vanilla sex. I also have a freeze trauma response in the moment and can’t safeword sometimes so I’d rather on the front end say where my boundaries lie and then discuss the situation after the fact in a neutral setting.
My last partner seemed OK with this until I went ahead to withdraw consent after being GGG for a bit with him in bed. I explained my feelings around how I was not comfortable with certain things he was pushing on me and also how I was feeling and he screamed at me because he took my GGG as consent. I said that was fair but also I’m now withdrawing consent which is what we discussed and both agreed was fair. So now I’ve struggled with the whole thing and I’m more inclined to say I need to give consent baby step through everything like the women said she hated. I’d rather be ‘safe’ and given a way to shut down discomfort than have to endure it and then find out my partner is angry because I took away something he enjoyed that made me uncomfortable.
ALSO there’s a hot way to ask for consent like “do you like when I play with your hair” or “I like to blow in your ear, do you like that too?” or “will you squeal like a dolphin for me, baby?”
If she’s a grown adult then you can trust your instincts. Adults will give indicators about how they’re feeling, if you over step a little it’s not a big deal.
Maybe not in such blunt terms, but it’s an important question to ask. People have different boundaries and communication styles, it’s best to get on the same page.
My policy is don’t ask, but do it slowly. If she sees your face approaching hers, give her enough time to back up, turn away, or lean in.
Pick up on her cues. Establish physical proximity and touch. Does she reciprocate? Is she stalk still or backing away? In my experience as long as you’re respectful when she draws boundaries, women are usually pretty cool about an accidental overstep.
Apologize for the misread and watch what she does as she gets more comfortable with you. Once she knows what your intentions are, she just needs to show you hers
Here’s a consent exercise I would do at my old work place with students. Students are used to presenters coming in for lectures. I’d start with the generic introduction and “hey everyone let’s do an ice breaker where you introduce yourself. After you say your name and a hobby, if you would like to grab some candy from this bowl, I’ll be passing it around.”
The candy bowl is full of Hershey’s kisses and hugs. At the end, everyone has introduced themselves and has either vocally or non-verbally accepted/turned down a kiss or hug candy. Every student introduces themselves differently and then accepts/rejects the candy differently.
Then as the presenter, I’d would point this “gotcha” out. Everyone in the room demonstrated that they understand how to offer/give/read consent. Someone scrunching up their face and shaking their head is a no. Another person looking perplexed and debating if they want the candy is a wait and see how they further respond. Some students said please and thank you, others verbally said no thanks.
Everyone is different. Slowly learning and discussing it with your partner is the best method imho. There’s a Louis CK skit (ironically) where he talks about making out with this girl who kept taking his hands off of her so they never did the deed. After talking to her at a later point, she said she wanted him to “just go for it.” He exasperatedly states, I can’t just rape you and hope that you’re into that. 🤷♀️
I’d rather ask.
Please continue to ask. I think the woman you dated is nuts. Respect and mindfulness is sexy as hell!
Honestly I’d probably only drop back to asking minor consent if someone with a history of assault was having a low point or not being particularly responsive to be sure what they’re currently comfortable with and make sure they know I’m there for what they need. Besides that kind of situation usually body language plays a huge part in reading the room, potentially even more so than words.
I think that question is genius and saves so much time and confusion. These behaviors mean so many different things to different people, might as well air it out in the beginning.
Consent is obviously important, and I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable with her “trial and error” approach. What I would probably do in this situation is sit down and go over everything. Yes/Nos/Maybes, hard limits, fantasies etc in advance before you’re in a sexual situation. If someone wasn’t willing to sit down and tell me exactly what they like and don’t like, then they aren’t someone I need to be in a sexual relationship with. I don’t like guessing and I don’t think it’s fair to not know what the rules are until it’s too late. You need to protect yourself, regardless of what turns her off. Also the fact that explicit consent turns her off is a bit of a red flag IMO.
As a female who hates too many check ins like your partner was describing, if you have trouble reading social cues in general, yes, just flat out ask up front. However, I prefer if it is asked in the moment but not breaking the ‘tension’ so to speak. For example, you want to kiss me and move slowly in, place your hand on my face or waist and whisper “may I kiss you?”, that works perfectly. But if you are pulling a part, acting too strange, and making things weird, that’s when it becomes annoying. There are hot ways to do this.
Keep in mind, every woman is different but there WILL be signs she’s not down for whatever you are trying to do. It’s when you ignore the body language, the fake out, or something of the like where you are crossing lines.
Eh, to a limit but if you want to hold her hand or something just grab it. Obs sexual stuff is WAY dif. I can be like hey, sit on my side of table not across or grab my hand or want to come watch a movie or hang out. If they feel not ok I obs step way back.
No I think it’s OK to just ask. Especially if that’s what you feel comfortable with. When I first started dating my current boyfriend he was very about consent and asked me with every thing that he did if it was OK and if I was comfortable. And honestly it was such a relief to me. I felt so comfortable with him. We’ve been together for 4 months now. And he doesn’t ask anymore we just go with the flow.
You can’t win with this. Some people demand explicit consent for everything while others hate it, yet others are in between. All you can really do is ask the individual.
Agreeing with another poster – isn’t it a bit weird to have someone complaining about consent..? It’s like someone who expects a new partner to read their mind about anything… it’s not fair and it’s confusing and it puts all the effort/responsibility onto the other person. Ew.
So if YOU want to have good consent conversations, or conversations in general… Remember, you can never ask any important question without considering timing and tone as well as your partner’s comfort and trust. The same is true with consent questions. And you need to know what you want from it, too. Ultimately, the most important thing is to have your partner know that you care more about their boundaries than your own pleasure (hopefully they feel the same) and that you’ll listen and not push for “yes” when “no” is being indicated.
* make sure you’re both comfortable and able to have adult conversations around topics like sex
* cultivate the feeling you want (open, honest, curious, whatever) by being those things yourself
* remind them (and yourself) that the point of consent is to have both partners as eager, willing participants
* be willing to listen to what that means to them – don’t forget to think about what that means for you, too.
I mean, if you’re 500% tactless you could certainly make consent into a non-sexy chore, but it doesn’t have to be any more than any words or acts have to be boring. Indeed, the “Can..?” line of questions could turn into some nice erotic play in the right order, with the right tone of voice.
Communication is a lot of reflection and work, but it’s work that pays off.
Wow, no, I think this is a great question that fits in well more than a few dates into the relationship when you’re discussing interests and limits and other things of that nature. I wouldn’t ask it when first talking or prior to a meetup, and I would continue to ask for consent before any of the firsts (hand holding, kissing, etc.) until you ask that specific question.
I’m thinking back on some of my relationships and am realizing exactly how much that simple question could have avoided so much conflict. Definitely putting that in going forward.
Honestly, I don’t know a non-awkward way to ask this question. At the same time, when I was younger I had better luck just muddling through. Make moves organically, and if she says no, stop. As you shared, some women find my approach more attractive, but some women find the approach of those men attractive. For me, I recognize there are degrees of consent, basically ranging from tolerance to affirmative, and you can tell the difference. And affirmative consent, well, it is the best experience you can share with another person.
She : what does consent mean to you?
18 year old me : quickly opening my phone to Google it for the best answer 🤣😅
“What does consent look like to you?” is a good question that may not get the answer you’re looking for. You’re trying to learn what her expectations are, for implicit and explicit consent. You’re trying to find out where the lines are for her comfort, whether you need to ask before a hug, an arm around the shoulder, or undoing her bra.
I’m always a fan of the phrase, “informed positive consent”. It needn’t be _verbal_ consent, though it makes things clear.
I’ve heard similar things before, basically grousing that their past partners were timid. There may also be some measure of ‘be willing to trust me!’ involved, in that she will state and exercise her boundaries if you get in the general direction of them, or if you put pressure on them. Asking about where those ‘implicitly allowed’ boundaries are, in different words, may also get the answers you’re looking for.
Hi there buddy,
Dont worry, it seem you are worrying a bit too much about it.
You will make mistakes in life, and that does not make you a bad human.
Social calibration is about trial and error. Learning nuances between black and white,
Trust yourself to have genuine intentions, with ability to learn nuance between black and white, and trust yourself that you are not a bad human.
Example situation, you are on a date, things are going well, you are laughing, you get a bit closer and see how your date feels, you see how you feel about it, you make eye contact and see how she feels how you feel, you can go for the hand or for a hug, sense from there and go for a kiss..etc
Most of the time you go at it till 80/ 90% and go slow enough for them to reject it if they want.
You can also make small pauses in between.
Being rejected is totally okay, what’s bad is forcing things after being rejected or when you see your date/partner not enjoying it.
If at any point your date rejects your offer or does not look like enjoying, then you will stop there and ask about it, understand how they feel.
Its not like you will force someone into a kiss after you met them 2 seconds ago. Or surprise them with a kiss after they made it clear they do not want to date and just want to be friends. In fact you will not force anything on anyone, unless its a particular context of some kink that has been discussed.
I feel like she did tell you what consent means to her. She explicitly told you she would tell you if you were crossing a line and it seems that’s how she likes it.
However, if you’d like clarification on that point, I feel asking her explicitly to elaborate is a fair question. It’s just as fair for you to communicate that you don’t like pushing boundaries until you hear a “no”.
I think you can meet in the middle. Ask her what her hard “no”s are and once you get a sense of where her line is, the grey area in the middle is where you can communicate in the moment. That’s a fair compromise, IMO and a very reasonable conversation to have without ruining the “mood” in the midst of things.
Your definition of “vanilla” may not be hers and vice versa. At least establishing a base line helps tremendously.
If you just asked “What does consent look like to you?” with no context, that would probably come across as kind of weird. But if you gave them the backstory / explanation of why you’re asking, like you did here, then I think it would be fine.
I think if she doesn’t want to give verbal consent, she’s unlikely to be weirded out by you wanting to understand her non-verbal signs of consent.
This is for everyone different, but your date basically already told you.
She told you she will tell you if she doesn’t like something. So if you just take things slow (she mainly talked about little things in your post) and don’t go from 0 to 100 you should be fine.
Always check non-verbal signs in how someone reacts. If you are really unsure about something it’s better to ask than to overstep, but if you just escalate something slowly you should see the signals werher she likes something or not. If you lean in for a kiss and she leans towards you or she backs away those are very clear signs if someone wants something or not.
But if you like to discuss it more in general with her that’s completely fine. I would probably start a conversation like:
“Hey, you were talking about consent and that you hate when partners ask for everything and that you will tell me if you don’t like something. But I am still bit worried that it’s possible for me to misinterpret signals and I want to 100% respect your boundaries. So I wanted to know a bit more about how you view consent, if you wouldn’t mind discussing it.”
If you have only gone on one date you don’t necessarily need to bring it up right away imo, but if you are sure you want more and you feel chemistry, then why not? 🙂
This is a great idea, OP. I really don’t think it’s creepy. If a person asked me (36F) this question, my initial reaction would be appreciation and respect. To me this kind of question implies that person wants to understand specific boundaries so he/she/they can respect those boundaries (optimist here) which to me is wonderful in an age where consent is often misunderstood.
And this is coming from a gal who would really rather NOT have to answer questions about consent all the time. I mean, asking about consent in the beginning is sweet. But ‘come hither’ stares are hot. Sex without words is hot. At this point I feel secure enough to let someone know what makes me uncomfortable, and I so appreciate that a person who asks a question like this recognizes that women like me exist.
(Edits for gender neutrality)
At last. I’m in my sixties, and at last I’ve found that some men are being brought up right.
I think it’s a valid question. I personally would lead with an I statement: “I prefer/usually do things this way, would that work for you, or what do you prefer”.
And yeah, there’s obviously a time for this discussion, and it would appear perfectly appropriate – but there’s also much too early, and in that case it sure would look a little creepy. Depending on what your preferred style is, a good timing seems to be either 20s before something like handholding could potentially happen – or 3s afterwards.
Might feel weird, I would want to ask that either way.
Consent has baseline importance to any future relationship.
Consent is latterly asking her or him if it okay to do something like holding hands, kissing even sex. But the more I think about it. The longer your in a relationship you learn the do’s and don’ts so consent come naturally.
I think we need to be more open and asking this question! Consent, can be very sexy when done right also!
I think this poses a valid question, specially in today’s society where, apparently, even looking wrong at a girl may carry consequences.But I do believe the guy in OP’s date example was killing the mood by double and triple checking if he had consent, because “you’re on a date, duh!” some “level” of consent is implied. Maybe that guy had had bad experiences because of not asking? who knows.I remember going to an art exhibition with a date in college, and afterwards (we were classmates) she told me she felt uncomfortable because I kept trying to stroke her hair and kiss her head WHENEVER SHE LEANED INTO ME (so yeah I interpreted that as consent) while looking at the paintings and whatnot. (yes I was very much into this girl, but things didn’t pan out)On the other hand, before I started (officialy) dating my wife, I used to hang out with her a lot, and like, be watching TV or a movie and she would lean into me and when I didn’t try to, say hug her, or hold her hand, she would take the initiative and grab my hand or my arm and motioned me to hug her.
Point being, girls usually have a way to let you know they’re OK with you doing some things in public while on a date, and if they’re not, they’ll also let you know, NON VERBALLY! but everyone’s different. So maybe just don’t be so forward on a first date and try to get to know the girl so you can read her non-verbal cues. It does wonders.
If someone is asking for consent, they are trying to be mindful and respectful. Some people ask because they’ve been violated and don’t want to violate others. It’s very easy to tell someone, “it’s ok, you don’t have to ask”. Might take a couple “it’s ok, you don’t have to ask”s but 2 or 3 and they’ll get it.
**It is weird to ask “What does ‘consent’ look like to YOU?”**
**People won’t consider this a reasonable question if their current dating prospect asks this. I am pretty sure if you are a man asking this they will assume you are a rapist and couldn’t keep it to yourself, and if you are a man being asked this question by a woman you are likely to be offended or find it bizarre if asked that out of the blue .** It is easy to take it for granted of being a guy that has been on some pretty awful dates (in terms of people looking nothing like their photos, people dull in person etc) but women have it a whole lot worse, it is shocking how many women have been assaulted from meeting people off dating apps – even those they have vetted. It is always a concern in the back of their mind. You are likely to set off alarm bells.
*It isn’t the same perceiving this question in open discussion than it is when seeking someone.*
I think it is perfectly fine to get a sense of this question through dating app or messaging app with asking questions such as:-
* **Q: Do you kiss on a first date?**
A: Always = Read the room and go for the kiss when you feel it is right
A: Depends = Read the room and ensure your date is dropping hints
A: Never/Rarely = Avoid it unless you are confident your date is putting effort in
* **Q: Do you like holding hands?**
A: Yes = It is a potential option if your date’s hand is in comfortable reach
A: No = Probably best avoided!!
* **Q: Do you enjoy hugs?**
A: I love hugs = Read the room and go for the hug (ideally at the start and end)
A: Indifferent/Depends = Probably a waste of time initiating a hug
A: No, I enjoy my personal space = Likely any intimacy is going to be an issue to begin with
However, people can be really different in person to their confident virtual self.
Haven’t read the comments or the full post, but as a woman, I can’t stand that woman that you went on a date with. Enthusiastic consent is so fucking important. I date other women myself and all but one person was THRILLED that I asked for permission to have our firsts — kiss, hug, sex, etc. Once we get to know each other better and once things are more established & vocalized, we both no longer need to verbalize it because we’re both okay. And all parties know that they can speak up and say no at any time.
My last partner just up and kissed me the day we met. I was okay with it at the time, but I haven’t had someone make a move without consent with me or vice versa in years, so I was a little taken back. 😅
It sounds cheesy, but I liked the 90/10 thing from Hitch. You never go the full 100%. So, you can express clear intent without crossing boundaries. That could be leaning in for a kiss, reaching your hand out for holding hands, etc.
The area that is a little more gray is touch. I’d love to hear feedback on that. For example, arm around someone, touching their arm, touching their leg, small of back, etc.
You don’t per se “ask for consent” verbally.
If you’re for example going in for a kiss, pause for 2 seconds before it. That’s the consent window, if she does not want to be kissed, she will pull away.
For sex however, I always tell her , “at any time, even during, you can just tell me that you’re not feeling it, and that’s fine, 100% fine”.
Not weird, and every person is different, what one person likes another would hate so youve got to approach each person as, well, an individual ;p. Sounds like with this woman you have consent to do anything you want to do, until she says no, which I would hate personally, if i decided I wanted to do something and was then told no, it would absolutely kill my mood, where as if I had asked first and was told no, Id be fine with it.. different strokes for different folks.
As a woman who was raped at age 22 and sexually assaulted less than a month ago, both by two different men I was dating, AND as someone whose friend was raped last week by her date, I cannot thank you enough for opening up this discussion and caring about consent. Have the conversation on the first few dates before you ever get physical: “Do you prefer I ask for consent for all physical encounters or do you prefer I initiate, and you communicate with me when you are not consenting?” Love, LOVE your pure intentions! So much respect! 💕
Consent is sexy.