horrified to realize that I may genuinely be too unattractive to date …

41 comments

1. I’m sorry for your lack of dating opportunities. I suppose it can have its advantages meaning no broken hearts. I wish you the best. I’m glad to chat and dm if you like.

   I have made mistakes in my life unfortunately that make me limit my social interaction and dating. Your reasons are of no doing of your own so that’s unfair unfortunately. I do wish you the best. And I do suspect there is still someone out there for you!

2. The response to meeting more people is not necessarily the apps. You need to find a way to meet more people in person.

   If someone says you need to meet more people, you turn to the apps and have no luck it doesn’t mean as much as you think. Attractive people have connections fizzle to nothing on the apps. The apps are a cesspool.

3. It irks me that females have a reputation for being shallow vain and superficial- but even blind men want to date a ‘pretty’ girl. It’s revolting.

   I don’t know what you look like but can it be camouflaged or hidden or masked somehow? And also, what kind of a ‘disfigurement’ are we talking about here. The newest fad in modeling is to have something unique like Hyperpigmentation / vilitigo.

4. Dating apps can be harsh but everyone is capable of finding love in this world. Have you tried attending group activities? Things like Meetup? Maybe some places in your area offer social events. Do activities that you’re interested in. Meeting people in real life can be a lot more rewarding. The hard part is always finding the right people though. I do think it’s wise for your own well-being to avoid dating apps. I mean you don’t have to delete them, but don’t put all your eggs in that basket (maybe only 5% of your eggs).

5. >have a facial disfigurement since childhood.

   cleft palate? 3rd eye? no nose? or?

   inner beauty: are you very confident? (perhaps less so, lately?)

6. I’m sorry to hear about your difficulty. I feel the same way myself about my appearance; I don’t have any deformities, but I do still feel unattractive. The reaction that I get from a lot of women reinforces that feeling.

   Try and focus on yourself first and foremost. Do things that bring you joy. Stay productive. Love yourself before anyone else. The rest might come to you in time, and if it doesn’t, thats okay too.

7. I’m so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I don’t believe anyone is too unattractive to date, unless they have a shit personality. And you sound really intelligent and awesome. I know it doesn’t always help to hear that though when you’re in the situation. Dating apps are trash. FWIW I also had a terrible time on them. I have what people might call a “plain Jane” face, nothing remarkable about it. I am not over or underweight, just kind of medium. And I got rejected plenty of times online. Before then, I had also assumed I just needed to keep looking to find the right person. But after trying OLD my self esteem was in the toilet. So I went searching for advice online. People told me to change my hairstyle and wardrobe, learn makeup tricks and wear contacts. They told me to go for men “in my league” who I wasn’t attracted to. Improve my profile pics and bio, or remove my photos altogether. Tried all of that, and it didn’t work. The majority of guys on there do just want sex. Even one I went for who was older and shorter than me, bald and overweight (in other words, not conventionally attractive himself). So, I came to realize it’s not so much to do with our looks and more to do with their intentions. I don’t put out vibes that I’m open to hookups, and I’m guessing you don’t either. I’d like to tell you it gets easier, “there’s someone for everyone” etc. I do believe you can find love. But it’s hard, there’s no denying it. I started dating in my 20s and am 40 now. I have a group of friends my age who have also never been married. Some haven’t had a bf or kissed a guy. Other friends dropped their standards and had casual sex to get crumbs of affection from men (which I don’t recommend). There are good guys out there, we all know and keep hearing this but they can be very hard to find. It’s not you, and you’re not alone. I think doing what you’ve done by developing your personality, pursuing hobbies, education and enjoying life already puts you ahead of the game. Some people have wasted years trying to date or in miserable relationships, and are just now realizing they need to prioritize themselves and their happiness. That effort is never wasted. I wish you all the best in life and love.

8. I’d date you if your body was tight, but I’m assuming surgery could be used to correct the problem in the future to some extent.

   I’d even pay for it.

9. Online dating is especially appearance focused since the emphasis is your picture. Might have better luck meeting people in the real world by expanding your social circle. People can be pretty shallow though and in a world of abundant dating apps, someone prettier is just a swiple away

10. Even supermodel women have issues with dating apps because men use them like ordering take out

    Meet men in person

11. Dating apps are not for the ugly. The best parts of you can’t be put in a picture. So my suggestion is do it the old school way. Friends and families, colleagues, groups and old school meet ups around town. Let them know what you have to offer in person instead of hoping someone will look at your picture and think,”Know what? bet she has an amazing personality.” That’s not gonna happen.

12. What disfigurement is it? Something that can be corrected?

13. If it makes you feel any better.. there is tons of us who are single in the same age group. We all would love to know “what’s keeping me single”. It just comes down to luck, numbers, and circumstance.

    I always joke with myself that if drug addicts and people in prison can get girlfriends and wives, then I can too.

14. Dating app are kinda harsh nowadays, so I think it’s better for you to meet people outside dating apps like travel? Mutual friends? Or joing some group etc. What do you think?

15. I would.love a date

16. In going to ask a simple but dumb question: if you do not like the way you look, have you thought of plastic surgery?? I mean truly, if it bothers you, get it fixed. You can likely go to your doctor or a psychiatrist and tell them that you are depressed, etc. about your face and it’s affecting your mental health. This is a perfect excuse to get yourself healthy mentally and physically! And you know the wonderful things done now in facial surgery!
    Please do it!! Keep us posted.
    Good luck.

17. What kind of disfigurement are we talking here, if it can be done by plastic surgery, then South Korea is the place to go get it done

18. Have you tried sites like Table for Six? Where you get collated with link minded people for a group dinner date, might be a nicer way to get to know people without the superficial swiping of apps.

19. You want the truth? Yeah, it’s hard and will feel disgustingly unfair at times. Men will throw themselves at girls with the personality of a saltine cracker if they look good. Men attach dating or fucking a pretty girl to their social status. I’d like to offer a beacon of hope – I’ve been magnetically attracted to some girls based mostly on who they are and not (solely) how they look. I’d be flat lying if I said it wasn’t even a consideration.

20. If you are worried your face is putting people off then you’ll need to make sure you compensate by being very fit. Sorry to lead with that but you are very focused on it, however just bare in mind that you may need to recruit help from friends to set you up. Don’t let guys use you though, you seem pleasant and I’d say undeserving of such treatment. But if it helps you be more optimistic I know a girl that has a similar situation that you do, she’s sweet and a dork which is cute. I’d be open to trying with her but pretty sure she pines for a different guy. Alot of guys are more reasonable than you’d think, yes we are very much so focused on the visual, but in my opinion as long as she’s sweet, a good girl, and has a nice butt (hey still a guy so I gotta throw that in” I don’t see anything wrong with dating a girl like that. But to be more serious chin up, do what you can to emphasize or make the best of your features, be a sweet woman, and put yourself out there I trust things for you will get better. Just don’t settle for abusive jerks, cause there are more than a few that prey on girls that don’t get a lot of attention, find yourself a good guy. You can do it.

21. I’d say okay to your strong suits. Loads of people don’t care about looks but then you shouldn’t let it spoil the opportunity of a connection so just try for people online without the whole look at me look at me part of pictures. Connect with people other ways. You have a PhD someone will love you for your brains 🧠

22. >I don’t even know what I’m asking, I’m just horrified by this slow realization and I don’t know what to do with myself at this point. Maybe just some kind of support would help.

    Seek out men who are on the same level of physical attractiveness as you and stop pursuing men who are out of your league unless all you want is casual sex.

    Improve yourself so that you’re a woman who men want to be with. Your realization is basically you have to play by the rules men play by and that you can’t sit by on the sidelines waiting for someone to waltz into your life and sweep you off your feet.

    You need to stop being passive and put yourself out there.

23. We want pictures!

    I’m balding and need to figure out a way to present my face better; maybe we can help you strategically 🙂

    Your dating app experience is about the same as mine always was—and I wasn’t always balding!

24. That ass better be top rank

25. Look this isn’t rocket science as a dude we want to be able to look at a woman while we’re having sex and be happy so my best advice to you is to get an outstanding shape and be very sex positive and genuinely so.

26. Post a photo of yourself?

27. I’m sorry you’re feeling this. I think alot of guys go through the dreadful realization too, but it sounds like it may be compounded here. Maybe you haven’t optimized your profile pics?

    Some guys see the pic, and look through the actual profile only when they need to come up with a message. Have a trusted friend or photofeeler help you with the pictures.

28. Plain and simple I wish you find that complimentary person. The world currently in giving chances for love and interest is a desert.

    Definitely talking about this can ease but you’ll need to find your joy in another aspect of your life. Hell you could document it, call to action, find a way to spin this to gain benefit. How ever you go about your support you’ll be proud of yourself for any steps you take to feel good.

29. Dating apps make everyone more shallow. We have so little to go off that we resort to the most basic and apparent metrics we can, usually physical features. Do yourself a favour and get rid of the apps, they’ll only make you feel like shit. People get to see all of you in person, personality, sense of humor, values, etc. Much better chance of meeting someone that way.

30. Why on earth do you want to hook up with people who want to make use of you? You are whole as a person. You do not need attention to make you whole. Work on your hobbies. Make yourself happy. Life is more than male attention. Best wishes… 😊

31. You have a PHd? Very cool! But, would you date a fun loving good ole boy driving a pickup truck?

    Seriously, maybe just look around or network/ask around. Maybe their is a quite guy working on your car who would actually make a great catch except hes shy or afraid of your smartness?

32. I was born with a cleft palate and had surgery for it as baby. I’ve always had a scar from it that made me question if I was lovable and further damaged my face when I was 8. Lately I’ve been looking into getting surgery to make my face look normal. From what I’ve seen they can do things I wouldn’t have thought realistic. I think it would be worth looking into if you have the money.

33. Don’t let the dating apps get you down, I have the same results and I have always go complements on my looks.
    Be nice to yourself. You will find your person.

34. >I managed to go on dates with like 2 people in my 2 years of being on apps

    Understand that this is better than me. So you score better than an low-avegage non disfigure guy.. It’s something.

    TBH, in your situation, I think that dating app was the wrong choice. Dating app are designed to be the most shallow experience, even for people wanting long term relationship. The paradox of choice is massively strong there.. People will swipe through dozen of profile per day, making split decision on yes or no, often without really reading bios.

    I think your best bet, as you seems to be a quite interesting and social person, would be an IRL approach. I really hate this advice because I feel like it’s not appropriate for a lot of people but it might be the best for you: get out, do group activities and just chat with people. Either it’s cooking class, yoga, or whatever club ..

    Go foward, make firsts moves, prepare for the worst but hope for the best. There’s someone out there for you.. But you cannot wait for male attention. This is already a big mistake for a lot of women, it may be a bigger one for you.

35. Dating apps are trash for a reason. It’s all about materialistic values and physical appearance.

36. I know plenty of women who don’t get matches on online dating. They don’t really know why either, but the apps are not designed to help you succeed at dating. They are designed to make you keep coming back to them and giving them your data and money.

    If you want to hookup with guys, do that. But if you’re doing it just in hopes it will lead somewhere or to get validation, it will probably end up making you feel worse.

    It sounds like you have good self esteem and a the right attitude. I was also single for most of my 20’s and met my boyfriend at 35. Lack of success in dating so far doesn’t mean the same going forward. Younger people also tend to be more superficial, and the older you get I think it’s easier to find people who understand that looks aren’t everything, and dating isn’t a competition to get the most conventionally attractive person you can.

37. Online dating is just too toxic-hookup culture focused. I suggest meeting people in real life , those are the people who are likely to appreciate you and care for you, regardless of your appearance.

38. I’m older and fixing to have a birthday come up . .

    So another year . .

    I’m soo over it.

    I have scars from the head to my toe.

    I really don’t like em,but they’re a part of me and my life experiences.

    They don’t define who I am,I do that and if it repels people so be it . .

    I’m not perfect and if they judge me for my outside they’ll never get to know the deeper version of me I keep protected.

    So really their loss. .

    I’ve had relationships even long term and everyone’s been a massive fail even my LTR . .

    I don’t want casual and I don’t even want first dates anymore . .

    I want something that’s going to be the rest of my life and soon as I find the girl I’m searching for well,there’s kisses and cuddles in her future . .

    So take life one day at a time . .kind of where I’m at right now . .

    Whatever happens

    Happens

    Just gotta enjoy the journey because people tend to forget it’s a marathon and not a sprint . .

    So let’s bring on whatever is next

39. OP, I’m truly sorry that I’ve gotten so caught up trying to address the ridiculous responses of some very close-minded people that I never addressed your actual post.

    First off, none of us are perfect and I don’t mean that just in a superficial way. We all have our flaws, have made our mistakes, have our scars, and then we do our best to cover them up and/or deal with them as best we can. In the truest sense, the appearance stuff can change and/or fade over time whereas the internal emotional disfigurement can infest our soul if we don’t act on it. I realize that may seem odd to imply that one is better than the other but I’m just pointing out the difference. No one has the right to tell you how to feel.

    Also, Dating is awful for everyone. While most folks won’t admit it, in my experience the majority of people have high fears of rejection. Because of this it can make taking the risk of asking even harder. This seems to exist regardless of adult age group. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve personally had two people I know mention interest the other person and tell me why they don’t say anything because there’s no way the other is interested or would want to date. Each time just one of them just saying “wanna hang out (-day-)” would’ve got things rolling much sooner. It doesn’t mean they all worked out, but at least the process started.

    Furthermore, OLD on most apps has devolved into Swipe to Try and Get Lucky. Dunno about you but degrading people’s value down to a certain cut of meat on a platter(pic) doesn’t seem like the any sort of a first step to meet a possible long term love. I’m not saying to approach dating as wanting a serious relationship with any person you date, it’s more of trying to impart that you may want to steer clear of Supposed Dating Help based primarily on one-dimensional Hot or Not decisions.

    Finally, if I can give just one idea that sticks best, instead of dating try to make connections meeting people you find interesting or might be interesting to know. That way you can both get to know each other and see if you click. Real Lasting Attraction is about the whole person. It’s that little nod they give you when you walk by, or the way they always say that one thing, or maybe how they do something, their heart, etc. It’s why the couple that met at 17 and are still together at 90 still see the most amazing beautiful n person they’ve ever known each and every day.

    Sry this was so long. I just wanted you to know that it’s a messed up world but there are good people. Like minded people. People that want exactly what you do. I know your facial concern is part of you, but it’s just A part. You are way more than that. I don’t know you personally of course, but you sound terrific. Smart, dedicated to self empowerment, thoughtful, willing to listen, and more. Those seem like pretty big Heck Yes ✅ marks to me.

40. It’s unfortunate that we live in a society that places such superficial qualities as a priority over substance. I’m not that educated but make up for it in my military experience and my high family values. I am divorced and a single father of 2 boys. One is ADHD was born without a thyroid and is on medication. I am also a classically trained chef so I love to cook. I live in an area where my value is not highly prized so as I return to the cooking world I will have to settle for a lesser role. I’m sure that if you continue to search you will find a mate of substance and that is worth is weight in gold. I wish you well and hope to hear of your success. Damn a PHD?! Come on gents. This one is a keeper

41. I remember a girl in elementary school who had such a feature. She was good at covering it up well with her hair. Physically speaking, there was nothing ever wrong with her, and I always look to reconnect with people in my past to see how things have changed in their life.

    So, deep down, I hope you were one of them.

    But, getting back to my main point. I’ve dated a few disabled women in the past and never really saw any issues with their disabilities. The worst was a sense of entitlement. But, beyond that, humble and down to earth, which led me to want to interact with some more than others.

    There’s always going to be that oddball that will look past what you worry about and see what you can offer. It never hurts to look outside your boundaries and try different avenues to give yourself the chance to flourish. It takes a bit more effort, but it can be worth it in the long run.