Hi Reddit, i need your advice and help.
So my Fiancé, Jay, and his friends were in Arizona celebrating one of the guy’s bachelor weekend.
Before they left, Jay told me that the plan for one of the nights was to go to a strip club and he asked me if that was okay with me. I was honest with him and I told him that I don’t mind him going to strip clubs as long as he doesn’t get any Lap dances, and also no touching. He agrees with me and promised that he would never even consider getting a lab dance and that touching the girls is prohibited.
So Saturday comes around and he calls me in the morning to check in on me, our baby (I’m 5.5 months pregnant with a girl💓) and our dog. I told him we were fine and what our plans for the day were. I then asked him what his plans were and he said that they were going to the strip club tonight. I reminded him of our agreement and wished him to have fun.
On Sunday morning we talked again and I asked him about the strip club and he told me that it was fun, that all he did was throw $1 bills to the girls if they had good moves but that none of them were as sexy as me. I asked him if anyone got a lap dance and he said yes, a few of his friends. I was a little bit uncomfortable because out of the 12 guy’s there, 9 of them are engaged/married and I asked him if he was okay with his friends doing that and he said “whatever, I’m not keeping tabs on them.” I realized it was not my place to judge his friends so I asked him if he kept his word and he said “yes, no touching and no lap dances” I said “okay, I believe you”.
Then I asked him was his plans for the rest of the sunday day/night were and he said they were only planning on going to grab dinner and then go back to the airbnb because they had to take a flight on Monday (today) to return home. I wished him a good time and we said bye.
Then today, Monday, one of the other guys’ Fiancée contacted me and she was upset because she didn’t know the guys were going to a strip club and she asked me if I knew. I told her the truth and said that I knew they had gone to the strip club on Saturday night. Then she said “they also went last night (sunday)”. I thought maybe she was confused but then she sent me the screenshots that confirm that they were at a strip club again on Sunday…. at first I thought that it was weird Jay did not tell me about it when we talked in the morning, but it didn’t make sense that he would hide it from me considering I was cool with him going there the night before. So then I thought that maybe while they were at dinner, they decided to go to the strip club last minute, but I was sure that I soon as he called me when he woke up that he would tell me.
I was wrong. He woke up and did not call Me. He texted me telling me that his flight was delayed a few hours. I texted him back and asked him about his night and what they did and he said this: “it was good, we had a good dinner. Smoked brisket. Went to a few bars. Nothing crazy though. Late Night”. So then I asked “did you end up at any other strip clubs? Lol” and he said “nope, no strips”
So now I have proof that he went to the strip clubs, I asked him and he lied. He is on the flight back home now, I have been an emotional, pregnant mess all day wondering why I’m not good enough to deserve the truth. A million things are going through my mind and I don’t know what to do with myself.
I wrote him a letter and left it on our bed with our engament ring on top of it. Very dramatic, I know, but I don’t know what to do. Why would he lie about going to the strip joint knowing that I was cool with it the night before?
Something tells me that he got a lap dance and that’s what he is really hiding. I trusted him 100% and now I don’t know if I can trust him again.
What should I do next? How should I approach the situation?
TL;DR! fiancé lied about going to the strip club for no reason and now I think there might be a bigger lie behind it all. It’s making me question my worth.
10 comments
Is it possible that a few guys split off from the main group on Sunday and went? Maybe the person you talked to gave inaccurate information? I would just double confirm everything first before jumping to conclusions (maybe with one of the guys that was actually there).
I would give him the benefit of the doubt if he hasn’t lied to you before, especially before doing something serious like running off. Get confirmation from multiple sources and also talk to your fiancee in person about it.
Sounds like you’ve ended the relationship, or at least the engagement.
Reading this I feel like there must be other trust issues between you two in the past.
Otherwise why would you break up over a lie instead of try to work through it? You’re having a kid together.
It sounds like a jerk move but it’s not like you found proof that he hired an escort or something. Maybe he lied for convenience because he thought that with all the concern / boundary setting, a second and unplanned visit would upset you, and he wanted to dodge a potential fight.
I’m not saying he did a great thing but to be enough to leave over, with a child in the picture, makes me think you’ve had major issues before.
Good luck! Sorry you’re in the situation, that’s tough.
You’re right – why would he not tell you about the Sunday if he’d already told you about the Saturday? Does he think the agreement you made only applied to the Saturday?!
Either way, if he tells you he didn’t get a dance, you’re not going to be able to believe him now. I’m sorry he’s been so disrespectful, and while you’re carrying his child. This would be a deal breaker for me.
By placing the ring on the letter, you’ve told him you made a choice without his explanation needed, otherwise it’s just pageantry that isn’t helpful in what should hopefully be a trusting relationship. I’m not saying he didn’t breach your trust, but my advice is to pick up the ring, have an adult conversation with him when he gets home and then make decisions.
Good luck with everything you have your lovely baby to look forward to no matter what happens. I hope he tells you the truth
I don’t understand why any culture would encourage such an activity before such a major milestone in the relationship. If people don’t go to strip clubs otherwise, why do it right before cementing the relationship?
It’s just idiotic.
He probably assumed that you’d think he and his friends ridiculous for doing that 2 days in a row.
UPDATE
Thanks everyone who commented on my post. I wanted to give you all a little update.
He texted me when he was about 45 minutes away to ask me to leave the door unlocked because he forgot his key here before he left on the trip. It was raining and I didn’t have the heart to let him stay outside if i left the house before he came, So I decided to stay home. When he came in, I was waiting for him and I told him that if it wasn’t because he texted me about the key, he wouldn’t have found me home. He asked why and I gave him the letter. I was surprisingly collected and calm.
He read the letter and when he finished he said something along the lines of “yeah, I lied but i didn’t think it was a big deal, im sorry.” that line really bothered me because it sounds extremely narcissistic. I told him it was a big deal for me because I value honesty more than anything in a relationship, and that thanks to this lie I was now questioning his motives for lying to me and also it makes me doubt him and everything he has told me up until now. He promised that this was the first time he lied to me in our whole relationship, and I responded with “or is it the first time I caught you in a lie?” We talked a bit more and I returned my engament ring, I told him I didn’t want to wear it because to me, his actions make it seem like he wants to be single. He took the ring but said he didn’t want to be single. I told him that I thought I had chosen a good man to be the father of my child, but that now I feel guilty bringing her into a broken home.
I’m very conflicted because up until yesterday he had never given me a reason to doubt him, or not trust him but I feel like this is s big deal. He says that he didn’t get a lap dance and I made him show me his bank statements online and there was nothing suspicious there. It was close to 3am and we went to sleep because today i was supposed to be working at 7am.
This morning, we also had an appointment with our midwife and in our drive there he seemed pretty upset at the situation. He asked me if i really believe he didnt want to be with me anymore, and he said that he never though lying about this would be such a big deal. I keep asking him WHY he lied, and after many “i dont knows” he finally said that he thought i was upset about him going to the strip club on Saturday and he just wanted to avoid a fight, but because it was an unremarkable night he didnt think much of it. I reminded him that i was not upset about saturday and reminded him about the conversation we had on sunday morning where i told him i loved him and couldnt wait to see him. This conversation happened the morning after his first night at the strip joint so I was clearly not upset. He says that he thought I was upset because of the comment I made about his married/engaged friends getting a lap dance, so he thought that by not telling me, he would be avoiding an argument.
I want to believe him but at the same time, why did he want to “avoid an argument” when he knows I have no issues with him going to the strip club? My issue is with him lying to me about it. So did he think that an argument about breaking my trust would be less painful than an argument about him going to the strip club?… I’m so confused, but at least today I am feeling a lot calmer than yesterday. The midwife said my baby girl is perfect, with a strong heart beat and growing and I cannot wait to meet her and kiss her little cheeks!
Thank you Reddit. Talking to you guys helped me a ton to bring down my stress. What a great community.
I can agree to disagree on that! 😎
You’re not wrong about kids.
If it were not the first issue of a breach of trust in a relationship OP said is otherwise great, I’d agree with you more.