I’m (20F) in a long distance relationship with my (22M) boyfriend. We’ve been together for almost 3 years. He used to love me a lot back then, and it sort of just started fading away recently. I still love him so much but doubt he feels the same way. We would text/talk to each other pretty much 24/7 and basically never hang up, hell we even slept on call everyday.
We barely talk/text or do anything together anymore. He is supposed to move in and get married but I’m having second thoughts. He made me get rid of all my friends because of his jealousy so I have no one else to talk to anymore. He also doesn’t like me leaving my house (Once again because of his “insecurities”) so I’ve been isolating myself from everyone, and every time I do leave I don’t tell him because we will end up arguing.
I’m really attached to him, and we “broke up” for a day because I found out he was doing a bunch of things behind my back, and he basically chose drugs over our relationship. Ever since I found out about him doing that, I completely lost trust in him and it kinda pushed both of us away from each other. I tried convincing myself to move on but ended up having a really bad panic attack and hurting myself and honestly even thinking about ending it all. I have severe anxiety and suffer from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), my anxiety was so bad I couldn’t eat or sleep for days. He’s the reason why I’m still here today, he saved my life and now he’s hurting me more than anyone ever has. He’s a massive hypocrite, and is doing everything he promised not to do. He even admitted multiple times he only got with me because of my looks.
I went to my therapist a couple days later but didn’t tell her about any of this because I was too scared to hear what she had to say. I went back home later that day and started drinking heavily and abusing my anti-anxiety medication because I was so tired of him being on my mind all the time. Now it’s slowly becoming a habit because it makes me feel better and it’s the only way I can cope with all of this.
I know if I keep going down this path I’ll eventually end up dead. I really want to leave, but at the same time the thought of moving on and never talking to him makes me panic. Any advice?
tl;dr: Boyfriend manipulated me and did things behind my back, I still love him but at the same time I wanna leave and I panic every time I think of leaving.
4 comments
You need to actually discuss this with your therapist. Send your therapist a copy of this post or print it out and bring it to a session. Your therapist can’t help you without you sharing vital info like this.
you need to think about your own safety and mental well being not just today but going forward into your future. this guy is not a safe person for you to be around. i can not stress enough this guy will continue to do damage to you. you and your life are worth more then what you are currently living.
I think the first thing you should do is talk to your therapist openly and honestly about all of this. Tell them everything. If you don’t trust them, maybe it’s time for a new one, but if it’s just the fear of hearing about the reality of the situation, you gotta bite the bullet and do it, you’re drowning and you need help. It’s okay to need help and to ask for it. It will be very hard, but you gotta do it for your own good, you gotta be responsible for yourself and what you’re doing now isn’t responsible, it’s self-destruction for the sake of avoiding facing the reality. You don’t have to settle everything in one day, give yourself some time to digest and process things before making decisions. You can do this, just pick up the phone and make an appointment and then go. You know that you will feel better once you let it all out and have someone to hear you out. You may not like everything they tell you, but if you trust them, your therapist is your best bet. Good luck!!!
My advice is not to crowdsource advice from reddit. Talk to you therapist about this. You admitted not telling her because you were afraid of what she might tell you, but you need to face that the relationship is toxic and your therapist can help guide you through better than reddit can.