I’ve (23M) known my friend (23M) since about 6 years now. We did our undergrad together and then ended up doing our grad studies (which are ongoing) in the same field together as well. Said grad studies were overseas in a different continent altogether. Naturally we had each other’s backs throughout the 6 years and even now.
We rented together with a few random people and things were ok. (I’ll gloss over the other random people being a pain). With the yearly lease nearing an end, we started looking for a new place. This time with just maybe 1 more person since we got sick of toxic flatmates.
However, my friend got dismissed from the program recently and is going to appeal the decision. This has been going on since the past month that led me to significantly delay my (our) apartment search. It will potentially go on for longer and he might have to return back home.
I’ve been relentlessly checking out apartments that fit our criteria and a lot of the ones that I liked got rented by others just because we (I) were late. I’m at a point right now where I either secure my own ass by finding a decent person to house with (which I already have, both the person and the house) OR wait for his decision to come, then rent out a shitty place with potentially shittier people.
The latter option puts me in a risky spot where I might have to risk finding last minute accomodation for myself with potentially toxic flatmates (No, the decent person has different housing they’re looking for and can’t join both of us) I can under no circumstances survive another turbulent year in relation to people I live with.
I know my friend is under a lot of stress while suffering through this and separate mental issues due to the entire ordeal of his. Though, I just have to be selfish at this point and leave him to finalize my own accomodation without him. If at all he manages to not get dismissed with finality (the final decision can easily take either 1 more week or 2 more months) he can find his own accomodation. However, if he does, get dismissed should I have decided to go for accomodation with him, that leaves me with absolute randoms in shitty housing who can be a massive headache like previous ones.
I do not want to cause him more stress by telling him that but I also need to look after my own well being for the upcoming year. I cannot afford to wait and I can’t get myself to tell him in a way that doesn’t sound like I’m backstabbing him and/or going back on our decision to search for housing together.
How do I tell him this? Or do I just bite the bullet and take a massive risk? I feel like I’ll lose a friend and for someone who hasn’t had a lot of those, I do not want that. I do prioritize my own mental well being over keeping friendships but I’m at a massive divide right now.
TLDR: Want to break news to a friend who is in a stressful situation while not increasing his stress/problems. On the flip side, put my own well being at risk.
2 comments
If he’s really your friend, then he should understand the situation that you are in. Just tell him and move on.
Prioritise yourself. You are your own person, and you are responsible for taking care of yourself before anyone else. Taking care of your friend’s feelings at your expense (by compromising your own needs / wants) doesn’t make sense at all. You don’t have to stress yourself out or suffer just because your friend is. Don’t make sacrifices you don’t want to, because that might just end up causing you to feel resentment towards your friend later on. And, I believe that people shouldn’t settle for anything less than what they want or need just for the sake of preserving the friendship. I think you should come first, not the friendship.
I would just be forward if I were you. I think be frank, but also as gracious towards your friend’s situation and feelings as you can, while telling the complete truth.