As someone who has worked in behavioral health for the past 12 years, I wanted to share some professional insights that I think could help a lot of people out there when it comes to dating-avoidant personalities.
I’ve encountered and am sure many of you have encountered people out there who always need to be doing something with their time to the point where they have no free time despite saying they want to date and meet someone. During the work week, they’re the kind of people meeting up with friends after work for dinner or drinks, planning at least one or two first dates with new people, and add in some kind of group activity or hobby. On weekends, their days are jam-packed with pretty lofty plans like a non-local road trip or getaway, or booked solid with parties/gatherings. When you read their profile, it’s evident they invest a lot of time into travel.
I can honestly tell you from working with people like this that those who are always on the go and always need to extend themselves with plans are usually doing so to avoid something else in their life, and in many cases, this involves getting into a close relationship with someone. While their dating habits may be active, they never seem to fully realize any of those relationships because they use everything else going in their life to avoid giving intimate relationships a fair shot. The reasons can be many, from self-esteem issues, trust issues, intimacy issues, and so on.
That’s why if you encounter someone who seems great, but also doesn’t seem to be available to build upon your connection, just know it probably isn’t you they’re avoiding — It’s something else that existed prior to meeting you.
7 comments
Can we apply that information usefully somehow?
Keeping busy is absolutely a coping mechanism of mine, and I have a history of being avoidant. Thankfully, I am self aware enough to know I need to actually fit people into my life if I want to have them, but the garden variety unaware avoidant isn’t going to be so good at doing the same.
Ironically, the thing we’re usually running from is our deep sense of being unloved
I don’t want to date a bore or an under performer
It’s a defence mechanism to keep yourself busy so you don’t feel so lonely. Problem is you dedicate so much time to friends, hobbies, work etc that you rarely have the time to form new relationships or let anybody into your life romantically.
I understand this, but what are we supposed to do when everyone is with their SOs? We get to sit around our houses alone, and be bored? Everyone in relationships say “you’re so lucky, you have so much free time to do whenever you want” therefore as single people we are using our free time to do whatever we want
Wow. This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
Yes! This is exactly why my wife and I separated. She prioritised everything she could in order not to spend time with me or work on our relationship. I got to the stage where I offered only 30mins a week in an attempt to connect but even that was too much for her.