TW Drug abuse and abuse in general.
I’m 20f. I have 2 brothers, 18M and 13M. My mom and dad (both 39) divorced about a year and a half ago now. My dad left her because she was physically, emotionally, and financially abusive for years. After the separation he offered to pay for her lifestyle as a housewife (she was for 18 years) and to have equal custody of their 3 kids at the time (11M, 16M, 18F). He was going to pay for her to go to college to get back on her feet and be the best mother to his kids.
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This offer didn’t work out because she moved in with his crackhead cousin 2 months later and eventually became the worst possible IV drug addicted criminal deadbeat parent I could think of. Over the course of the last year she has accumulated roughly $100k in like 4 lump sum increments that’s all been blown in weeks. She has seen my little brother a total of like 5 times and each time she was whacked out and put him in dangerous situations.
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My little brother (now 13) moved 2 hours away with my dad with his new woman and family, plus they had a new baby back in February, who are extremely amazing in this whole situation and provide all support for him. Although it is amazing to have such a supportive step family, he is having an extremely difficult time coping with the fact that his mother left him and never speaks to him.
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Now our mom has decided to move coast to coast across the country with a drug dealer who has stolen thousands from my family including my little brother. In 2 weeks. All because of another lump sum she’s getting. To a place where she has no job, not a single friend or family member, no place to live, literally cannot get a bank account due to ripping them off so many times, and just a bit of money and a “dream” as she says. I am only 20 but I know thats an awful idea.
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This is effecting me really badly and I assume the day she goes away may be the day I will never see her again. I can only IMAGINE how this is effecting my little brother. I see his social media posts are super depressing and as I helped a lot raising him growing up (Working dad, abusive “stay at home mom” who slept 16 hours a day) I have very very intense emotions about this and the limited ability for me to do anything.
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I don’t know what to do. I have been hassling my mom telling her everything in the book from she’ll never hear me again once she leaves, to how if god forbid something were to happen to one of us she may not be able to see us on our death bed, and she still thinks its “unfair” for everyone to be telling her to not pursue her “dream”. Based off how she has graphically described her drug use to me, I am afraid of her dying every day at home. Now there will be no way to save her.
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I am just so confused and emotional and angry and I don’t know what I should do to support myself and my family.
TLDR: Deadbeat mom is leaving in 2 weeks to be a severe drug addict across the country from her 3 kids. I fear for her life at home when she does have help and resources, and I feel like she is going to die very shortly after arriving in her new city with no connections or job or place to live. This is heavily effecting me, but more importantly my 13 year old brother. How do I handle this?
10 comments
Sounds like you all need therapy.
Your mom is an adult and can make her own decisions. I think the most important thing is that all the kids are safe and well taken care of.
Nothing you or anyone can do, so go to therapy, tell your dad to take your brother, and work on yourself as to how to deal with these issues in your life.
Don’t rely on your mother for your source of comfort.
There is not much you can do. But at 20 you seem to have a good grasp on life! Just do your best looking after your brother. In time he will see you as the\ great big sister that you are! I truly wish you all the best of luck!
I just want you to know that I am really sorry about all of this and I hope that one way you and your brother will heal from this trauma. I read it all and I am still dumb founded by what hardcore drugs do to people. I really hope you find comfort soon. I think the only thing you can do at this point is be there for your brother and try to seek emotional guidance from a professional or maybe even your father if possible. It still seems like he is trying so that could be looked at as a good thing.
I can see this is deeply painful for you. You are sad for yourself, and sad for your little brother. Sometimes the pain we feel for other people is worse than the pain we feel for ourselves.
You want your Mum to change, to kick drugs, and ideally, be the sort of Mum that you and your siblings deserve and need. That is understandable.
Unfortunately, your Mum just isn’t in that headspace right now. She might never be.
That’s not fair. It’s not fair for you or your siblings. But it is just what it is, and there is nothing you can do or say that will make your Mum change, not before she is willing to change.
Right now, you need to do all you can to look after yourself and your siblings. I would encourage your Dad to get your siblings into therapy if they are not already. Particularly the 13 year old, who is at such a vulnerable age. Specifically therapy that supports those who have family members dealing who substance abuse.
Be kind to yourself.
Been there done that. Disengage and realize your mom is a stranger. I’m grateful you all have your father and that for the most part adults. I bet your childhood was rough.
Not your monkeys. Not your circus. You’re all going to need therapy but let her do her and focus on YOU.
The most you can tell your brother (and yourself) is that your mother has an illness. Her addiction is making her decisions for her and until she gets help for herself, she is lost.
Life is better without her around. Your dad has made a safe family for his kids and you need to focus on that. Your mother will have to find her own path. Most addicts pick drugs over family.
Addiction is a hell of a beast and it ruins so many more lives than just the addict.
I know others have echoed that you therapy would be a good place to be able to really talk about all of this and process it with someone who isn’t directly involved.
I also wanted to offer the advice of a program called AlAnon or NarAnon. It’s basically a support group for family and friends of addicts. It gives them a space to process what has been happening to them and learn how to live a life for yourself. Those specific programs don’t call it codependency but a lot of people form codependent relationships with addicts as a way to deal with the trauma that comes with it.
Those resources are both in person meeting and online support as well. Addicts do impulsive and insane things and no amount of love or logic will help them.
You didn’t cause this problem but unfortunately you also can’t control it or fix it.
You’re not alone in this and I hope you find some healing in all of this.
You cannot change the things you cannot control: her addiction and decision making, to start.
Try working with a therapist so you can acquire the necessary level of acceptance and set boundaries accordingly.
Has anyone called CPS on her? Be sure they know she plans to move in 2 weeks. They would move your younger brother over to dad’s house.
You can’t fix everything but you can try to save your brother from the move. You can also be a role model by getting therapy and maybe attending Al-ateen/al-anon to work through the feelings you have.
You and your brother would benefit from therapy to process all the emotions you’re experiencing due to your mothers abandoning, abuse, and drug addiction.
I’m sorry but there’s nothing you can do for your mom. All you can do is hope she hit rock bottom and turns her life around. This bender won’t last forever.