I got the best advice from my boss today that I thought I’d share. It made me feel a whole hell of a lot better and brought some humor to the situation. Laughter is the best medicine after all. Anyway, I was particularly grouchy this morning after being up with my little one in the middle of the night. My husband was sick and in bed so he couldn’t help me. Feeling still a bit sick myself( we’ve all had the flu) I was a bit resentful of him laying there while I had to get up for work in four hours and hardly slept a wink. In my anger and frustration, I left the house without saying much as a word. Leaving the house, I knew I was wrong, but being tired, sick, and vulnerable to my emotions I didn’t say sorry. I get to work and of course I’ve realized my error and that I needed to do something about it. Not knowing where to start I posed my boss a simple question “have you ever done something to your spouse you know was wrong, but you’re still upset so you don’t want to say sorry?” His response wasn’t exactly what I was looking for but exactly what I needed. He said “just say your sorry. It’s really that simple. If you know your wrong, say you’re sorry and you’ll be better for it. No concessions either. No ‘you made me feel this way so I did this’ kind of BS. That’s not really saying you’re sorry.” His tone wasn’t condescending, but teaching. He’s been married for 18 years after all. So what did I do? I said sorry. No excuses, no concessions. Just an apology and a promise to be better next time. My ego is bruised and I feel a bit guilty, but my boss was right and I am a bit better for it.
4 comments
I think this is one of the reasons my marriage works so well. We’re quick to apologize and quick to forgive.
It really depends. We actually had a big issue with this that really floored me in counseling. I’d over-apologize. Once we started breaking it down in specific scenarios, my tendency to make a quick apology was really about diffusing and trying to easily move on from a conflict, without putting in the effort to actually change anything or make sure she was heard. My saying “I’m sorry” was a passive attempt to end an argument that would then go on and make her feel like the mean one if she had more to say. So many times, I was saying I was sorry without even really knowing why, or without doing anything wrong. I had NO idea how much it aggravated her.
>Just an apology and a promise to be better next time.
I see where he was going with this. I find this to be far too simplistic. There is definitely a “proper” way to apologize. Some folks say there are 5 steps, I go with just 3 steps.
1. Admit you were wrong and apologize.
2. Acknowledge the harm you’ve done.
3. Mention what you will be willing to do differently and/or ask how you can do make the situation right and, this is the key part, do those things consistently along with *ceasing the harmful behavior and doing your best not to do it again*.
(Side note: a person doesn’t have to humiliate and demean themselves in order to amend a wrong. Further, an apology is only necessary when someone is in the wrong.)
The “promise” to do better is weak, IMO. Some folks can get into a habit of saying, “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! I promise I’ll do better!” In the meantime, they continue the problematic behavior that caused the harm in the first place. You can see here that these promises become empty meaningless words when the behavior is not corrected by the “offending” spouse. (Heck, this applies to any relationship.) But the main *key* here is to *cease problematic behaviors*. If it’s something a person has to constantly apologize or say sorry for, that’s something that person needs to take a look at.
IMO, marriage isn’t about saying “sorry.” For me, marriage is about being a team and working together to achieve our life goals. When a harm is committed and there is no acknowledgment of that harm and an effort to correct the harm, the team (marriage) suffers. Things like trust is lost, resentments and contempt can begin to flourish along with toxic behaviors that arise from resentments and contempt.
The other side of this coin is forgiveness. The willingness to forgive within a marriage, especially for what are usually perceived slights, is critical. A person can apologize “properly” all they want, and even show consistent change of behavior where they are no longer doing the problematic behavior, but if the other person doesn’t forgive and move forward? That can be equally toxic and damaging to the relationship. I’m not talking about “forgive and forget,” no one has to “forget” anything here.
Your boss isn’t wrong, it’s just a little too simplistic for my tastes.
Resentment and resentful is like forgetting sin, it is Godlike. Sorry is good or bad but it is not stupid. Saying it seems counter intuitive and it could be but it isn’t stupid. If you don’t say it, you maybe super smart and a chess player or you might be stupid.