Me and my wife had a fight and I’m pretty sure she’s wrong. This is what happened. I went for dinner with my mom (my wife and mom don’t get along, it’s mainly my mother’s fault). My mom was telling me how unhappy she is with her life and that she’s lonely and still dealing with the death of her sister. She started crying at the restaurant and said she often thinks about killing herself or burning all her clothes. This encounter with my mom left me feeling down and when I got home to my wife I searched for comfort in my wife’s arms. I was visibly in a depressed mood, and I’m sure my wife noticed because I’m always joyful when I get home and in a good mood. Later at night she touched me trying to initiate sex and I told her I wasn’t in the mood and apologized. Okay, so fast forward to the next day and my wife was stressed from an argument with a girlfriend so I tried to take her to the bedroom and jokingly said, “I know what you need, let me give it to you”, her response was, “yesterday you didn’t feel like it, today I don’t feel like it”, to which I replied sarcastically, “Yes, you’re right, because yesterday my mother didn’t just tell me she wanted to kill herself”. If it’s not clear I was basically saying that yesterday I didn’t want to have sex because I was down mentally, while she is acting out of spite, imo. She started saying all crazy stuff like I was blaming her (for what I don’t know), and that I was indirectly saying that she was content with my mother’s suicide tendencies (crazy stuff with no sense) and that I have no right to bring outside emotions to the bedroom. She even said I wasn’t a real man because I didn’t stood up for her when she had a fight with a woman she owed money to. (She mostly said this because I wrongly said she wasn’t acting like a women in the begging of our relationship because she would not hug me when we slept, i was wrong to say that and apologized deeply in the past, so she was acting vengefully). Later that same night she locked herself in another room and blocked me on whatsapp. Imo, this reaction is totally unnecessary and cruel, especially since she is in the wrong. However, i remained calm, swallowed my pride and tried to make amends with her. We slept cuddled but when I was leaving for work she refused to kiss me and now at lunch she says she is going to her sister’s house to possibly sleep there. I’m tired of this illogical attitudes. Please help me understand this.
6 comments
It seems a little like you wanted (rightly) sympathy when you were in a bad mood (justified) but expected it to be okay for you to joke about sex when your wife wanted sympathy when she was in a bad mood? And that her not giving in meant she was spiteful? She’s definitely out of order with what was said in the argument and let’s be honest blocking your husband on WhatsApp is childish but it doesn’t sound healthy from either side.
Both of you should feel comfortable declining sex for any reason. You don’t have to be sad to not want to have sex. You can just not want to have sex.
“Yesterday you didn’t feel like it, today I don’t feel like it.” This is not her saying it out of spite. This is her stating the situations are the same – you were in a bad mood and didn’t want sex, and so is she.
It seems like it escalated after that, but that’s the crux of it. You didn’t think she should be able to react the same way you did. Double standards.
It is such a MINEFIELD for women to turn down sex in a relationship. EVERY. SINGLE. MALE. PARTNER. I have ever had has at some point pouted, whined, and/or responded sarcastically when I turned them down for sex.
It’s never “No worries, let me know when you are in the mood. Love you.” You can say yes 25 times in a row, but say no once and prepare for the guilt trip.
The degree definitely differs based on the guy but its always there. It can get to a point where a woman starts to avoid sex at all, even if she enjoys it, because she starts to feel like she doesn’t REALLY have a choice.
OP, she probably mentioned you turning down sex thinking it would be a shield against complaint or her having to feel bad. And your answer was basically “My reasons for declining sex are good enough. Yours aren’t.”
It’s emotional blackmail.
It makes her feel like a manipulated piece of meat.
If I’m understanding the situation correctly:
(1) You hadn’t communicated to her the night before about why you came home depressed.
(2) She tried to initiate sex and you rejected her – potentially triggering some insecurities since she wouldn’t have known why. Not sure if you’ve rejected sex in the past.
(3) When she had a fight with a friend, instead of asking her what happened and listening, you tried to have sex with her.
(4) She refused and you were passive aggressive by bringing up why you were not in the mood the day before, but had not actually mentioned it to her previously.
(5) She is still upset and angry about the argument with her friend but is now potentially redirecting her anger towards you because you are now making it about yourself.
(6) She insulted you during this anger and said you “weren’t a real man” and brought up past arguments.
(7) She took extreme measures to distance herself and have some space from you to think and you believe that she is overreacting.
And you are seeking advice for which? Whether she is overreacting?
No one likes being rejected. She may have been acting out of spite but in the moment you should have just let it go and not compared your respective actions/hurts that just brought you both to a spiral of negative thoughts/emotions and now you both have said things you can’t take back causing further hurt. It’s a bad cycle.