Does anyone have the problem of thinking of their partner’s ex lovers… like if they he/she does something with you, do you think, “oh he/she did this with their ex, that’s why they’re doing it with me.” I have the biggest hurdle and cannot get over it. It’s really putting a damper on things. And I think my husband is thinking of his ex or wishing I was her, reliving the time he did this with her, etc. any advice?
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Yeah this sounds like it’s really affecting you. I used to do this with a partner ages ago until she called me out. After that I made a major effort to acknowledge that we were having fun together and building intimacy in our way. She obviously wanted to do that with me, not with her ex. My feelings calmed down after a while.
Is this happening when you have sex, or also outside of the bedroom?
If it is while you are having sex, try using mindfulness to get “out of your head”. Take a few deep breaths and focus on them. Or focus on sensations in the present moment – the feel of your spouse’s skin, how he smells, the texture of his hair, the taste of his lips, the sensations you feel as he explores your body, whatever. And if your thoughts go to his ex again, just acknowledge that you had that thought and nonjudgmentally refocus on sensations in the present moment or take a few more deep breaths. It can help if you build a mindfulness practice outside of the bedroom too. Youtube and the Insight Timer app both have great guided meditations that can help.
If you are obsessing over it outside of the bedroom, mindfulness can also help, but perhaps consider talking to a therapist about it?