My fiancé, soon to be husband is wonderful. We aren’t picture perfect, we do have our arguments and often times they’re big ones. We are pretty different but we need each other’s differences (I am crazy busy all the time, he gets me to slow down every once in a while. He is super mellow and day to day, I bring out the spontaneity in him). He is a good house keeper, kind of putters around each day and does the small tasks. I have a harder time and usually clean in “phases”, do my laundry at the last possible chance, etc. I feel bad because he usually takes on the daily stuff, emptying the dishwasher, wiping the counters, cleaning up after the pets, changing the bins.
I try to remember to do these things but it’s usually like “okay today I woke up and for some reason I’m going to VACUUM THE ENTIRETY OF THIS HOUSE” and then nothing for a few weeks then “THE PANTRY NEEDS TO BE SCRUBBED CLEAN AND REORGANIZED IMMEDIATELY”. I have not been diagnosed with ADHD although I have asked my doctor about this.
My question is how do you guys work around this? I’ve asked him to leave stuff for me like emptying the dishwasher for example but he won’t because “it’s just there and needs to be done so why not?”. I’ve tried a calendar but he doesn’t like that. I feel awful because he does way more day to day things and when I get in a cleaning mood he usually joins in with that. He doesn’t complain but I’m just annoyed with myself. Usually by the time I notice something needs to be done is because I notice he has done it.
4 comments
My husband and I are pretty similar in cleaning styles. He tends to do a fair amount of the everyday stuff, which for us centers around the kitchen, but a lot of this is because he’s home more than I am because of our work schedules and he likes to cook and cares more about the kitchen. Time-wise, it’s not a lot of work that he does on his own and is usually less than the time he’s home not working before I get home. So it works.
I’m more of a spree cleaner and tend to do the big projects that take a few hours at a time. And then we split the other things – like we both do laundry and stuff like that.
I just make a point to watch his moods and if he seems tired and try to get in on some tasks before he has a chance to do them or I’ll get a bunch of stuff done when he leaves the house to run an errand.
Maybe look for a particular task that’s easy to jump ahead of him for – like laundry or something. Or set a timer on your phone/watch for the dishwasher cycle so you can pop up and empty it right away.
Do other things, like cook on a regular basis, or give him massages, etc.. you don’t have to be doing the same things in a marriage, as long as you each add value to the others life
That said.. get a hold on the arguing, esp if they are that elevated! Esp during just dating… yall take a communication class or something. Disagreements can be discussed without “big arguments”. Don’t justify that as it’s just part of a relationship, it doesn’t have to be.
I don’t see what the problem is here. What you are doing seems to work for the two of you, except you feel guilty about not doing your “fair share”.
Unlike a lot of posters here, he is neither upset, critical, or thinking about withholding sex because he’s feeling (insert adjective) about it.
When you do argue, and they are usually big ones; what are the arguments about?