Stomach bug in the house and my wife (41F) is petrified of throwing up. What do I (39M) do?

44 comments

1. Your wife needs therapy.

2. Well parenting is full of shit things we don’t have to deal with normally. No challenge no growth right.

3. Can you get a cleaner in to disinfect the surfaces? A family member? That would be a temporary solution.

   The bigger problem is the phobia that your wife has. Ignoring her small child, feeling everything is tainted, and potentially disposing of all the food in the freezer is falling firmly into “Needs therapy” territory. You can’t let that one lie untouched even if you get through this episode.

4. Ok fear of throwing up is a real thing. First off, your wife should get some anti nausea tablets from the doctor to have on hand. They make it easier even if you still throw up. Wash hands with soap in as hot water as you can stand for the duration of the happy birthday song.

   Then, she needs to get a face mask and rubber gloves. Never touch vomit without gloves. Wash gloved hands in hot soapy water for 30 seconds then wash ungloved hands.

   Wipe all touched surfaces such as bathroom and sink, light switches, door knobs etc with antibacterial wipes and Lysol spray 1-2 times a day for 2 weeks! The bug can live on the surface for 2 weeks.

   It’s entirely possible not to catch it. She can be around your daughter especially if the child is no longer sick. Give the child a bucket if she’s still sick. Same with you, like in bucket, not toilet.

   It’s a real fear. I have it. But she can do some things to protect herself.

   Also, is the child better? If so, then why you threatening her by saying her fear of losing her daughter. Good god it’s just gastro, get a grip on yourself. Is the child still vomiting 1 week later or better?

5. So I agree with the comment above. I have emetophobia which is the fear of throw up/throwing up. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a very effective form of therapy to help your wife change her thoughts on throwing up. It’s a journey for sure but it helps.

   I see both sides. I know the fear but I definitely know that it ruins everyone else’s time who is around the person with emetophobia. I’m sorry you guys are going through this.

6. I agree with the dude above, it sounds like she needs therapy, some ptsd or phobia that needs to be treated.

7. I get being fearful of vomiting. I am one of those individuals, but when my husband is sick, I still take care of him to a point. When he’s spewing I’ll stand outside the bathroom door and make sure he’s okay. I get him everything he needs and make sure he doesn’t have to climb the stairs. But I would __never__ make him feel gross, disgusting, and like I don’t want anything to do with him. This is likely how your daughter feels right now. Kids don’t gaf if you’re scared, they just want you there.

   She needs serious therapy for this.

   The last stomach bug that I had, I made sure to take pepto pills to make it came out the bottom and not the top. Works out pretty well.

8. Your wife needs therapy. Kids are germ factories and they will bring home every cold, flu, etc… that they come in contact with. There is no avoiding getting sick as you can currently attest to. It’s not acceptable that she’s treating your daughter like a pariah because she got sick.

9. Your wife seems like the kind of person to slowly cut someone off pulling into a shopping center, and then get mad when they honk at her.

10. Since COVID there are 89 jillion wipes and sprays that kill germs. Many in really nice scents. too.

    Arm your wife with some and tell her to go to it.

    Talk about therapy once kiddo is doing better.

    Also, I have a real problem with throwing up, too. I fight it until I am completely miserable and then once I start, I can’t stop and end up with dry heaves. I actually get black eyes from barfing.

    But yeah, you survive. Once in a while, you even feel better after you get everything up and out.

11. Your wife has some variety of OCD and Im saying that as someone who had harm OCD. I have a trifecta which includes it and when its bad I cant even eat from a bag of chips other hands have been in. Its a monster it is, and needs therapy mainly the best method that therapists use is repeat exposure therapy and denial of the defensive mechanism. That is, don’t let her sit there googling what bacteria lives where and why, don’t let her drink pepto bismol for no reason or take Imodium/Tums “just cuz”. Honestly I now know every common house bacteria from my fear and sure it made me able to tell some things better but at the end of the day doing those things is what made my life poorer and has been defined to me as compulsive actions. My harm OCD became germaphobe OCD, because I have generic Pure O. Good luck

12. She needs to see a therapist.

13. Ok, I can relate to your wife, I absolutely hate throwing up and do everything in my power to avoid it. However, I am a mother, and that responsibility supersedes my fear of vomiting. If my child is sick, I am taking care of them. Period. Your wife needs to grow up and take care of your daughter.

    Edit to add: She can take every precaution available (masks, disinfecting, washing hands, changing sheets) but she shouldn’t avoid touching your 4 yo daughter altogether.

14. I have emetophobia as well and I’ve been in therapy for it and take medication. I can tell you one thing – telling her that she has to decide between an uncontrollable fear and her daughter you’re not exactly helping. My dad tried the same approach with me and it’s one of the reasons I don’t have a relationship with him today.
    Also emetophobia has roots in OCD which is why her behavior is out of her control – it’s compulsive triggered by intrusive thoughts.

15. Your wife’s reaction suggests she needs an extreme amount of psychological help as, while I understand completely (I have really bad emetophobia as well), this is affecting her relationship with you and your daughter. When someone from home is sick and puking I still manage to do the bare minimum like taking sick bags and throwing them away, pouring water, asking if my family is ok. I also am even able to work at a hospital and be around sick people all the time. Every time I’m around puke or someone who might puke I die a little inside every time but it can be MANAGEABLE with therapy. I still always, always need to fight this inherent urge of running tf away and screaming bloody murder every time I’m near anything to do with throwing up.

    It also helps us to know that we’re not alone in having this irrational fear and have people around us who understand that we have a phobia and are patient with us as well. Getting over it will be tough but I hope your wife gets all the support she needs! Good luck

16. it is _end_of_the_world. It feels like you gonna die, irrationally, but yes, it is different.

    Hire a sitter, spray all house ( door knobs!) with sanitizer, clean it. Maybe takeouts ( hot, reheat) for some time.

    Therapy might work, but that is not an immediate solution.

17. Eventually she’s going to throw up and she’s going to have to get over it. That’s not something you can control. You can’t see stomach viruses on everyday objects.

    And if she’s got a kid she can’t just not be around her, she really needs to get over it when it comes to that at the very least.

18. She needs to put on a mask and take care of her kid.

    It’s not hard to wash your hands or sanitize. Doesn’t everyone have lots of hand sanitizer at this point? She can buy a 8 pack and spread hand sanitizer stations throughout the house.

    You take care of your kid, even if it puts you at risk…of throwing up.

19. This condition is called emetophobia, as some comments have said. I’m an emetophobe myself (24F). I’ve been like this since I was 3yo. I’ve had anorexia and agoraphobia because of this shit. And guess what? I’ll never get over it. Not even if my husband threatens to leave me.

    That is not the solution. It’s a pain in the ass, I know, but be supportive. Help her find a good therapist and psychiatrist (I’m currently medicated and it’s helped me to eat and sleep better, yet I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m never going to be phobia-free). It’s going to take a long time for her to feel better, and probably still never be able to be around your daughter during noro season if she catches it.

    Communicate with her, ask her about her phobia (if it doesn’t trigger her), let her be more open about this. I’ve withheld my fear for a long time, and since I’ve opened up with friends, family and my SO, I have found the support I really needed (and also, now I can say the word vomit out loud. I couldn’t do that until I was 15yo).

    Also, tell her to check out [r/emetophobia](reddit.com/r/emetophobia)

20. I have emetophobia, its tough. I agree i think your wife could benefit from therapy if its gotten this bad.

    Its not something she can control or just get over, however i understand your concern. Kids pick up on a lot of stuff and learn from those around them so if your wife has a strong reaction to vomit it could result in your daughter developing an aversion to it or negative feelings.

    You have a right to not want to deal with it if thats your dealbreaker, you get to decide. She’s responsible for her own mental health and if you guys have the financial ability and means to get help then she should take initiative if its straining your relationship.

    This is hard for both you im sure. Just try and remember that this can take some time to get over, baby steps. Im sure she’s rattled with her own guilt of being a “bad mother” and she probably feels worthless and like a burden, try to be gentle (: but I hope that shes open to getting help and that you guys can work through this together!

21. I have emetophobia because I choke myself on my vomit and feel like I’m suffocating. So I totally feel her pain. I agree she should chat with her therapist about this.

22. she needs therapy and support. she probably wants to help her kid but her phobia is keeping her from doing so. it’s shitty i know and the kid doesn’t understand so the sooner she gets help the getter for everyone :(( wishing u three the best <3

23. I also have a fear of throwing up. My son is only three almost- has been sick but not ever at the point of throwing up. So I haven’t been through what your wife is growing through. When I was pregnant though I had to learn how to calm myself down. Cause I would feel nauseous and have panic attacks and that it made it way worse. So like everyone else saying, definitely therapy, it helps a lot.

24. I also have exact same problem and managed to go 22 years before my kids ended up bringing home Norovirus when they were in kindergarten. It’s absolutely terrifying and when you do end up throwing up it’s still terrifying because now you’re having a panic attack at the same time. I have been medicated and it’s made life a lot easier and I do recommend it. It’s true she’s not gonna feel safe in her own home for a while and that’s normal and it sucks for both of you and your daughter. Try to imagine being in a constant state of fight or flight but not being able to do anything. Bleach is your best friend it kills Norovirus (and it’s the only thing that does )and kills pretty much everything else. The smell becomes comforting (like a tiny hero) and she will likely start to feel a bit better about things soon once she has not gotten sick. Anyone who has this knows it’s not rational we know it’s not something that can’t attack us and hurt us ,we’re aware of that, we’re aware that we sound crazy we are aware that we are a burden sometimes to the people in our lives who have to step in when we can’t do what we need to do we feel the guilt on top of the fear we feel, and it’s really shitty. She did not choose to have this phobia, she did not choose to have it rule her life, she did not choose to have it impact her and you and your kid, it just is, and it’s shitty. Do your best to have patience with her she’s doing her best and you’re doing your best. Do your best have empathy just like she’s doing her best to not be a terrible mom and terrible wife right now. If she’s not already taking something for her phobia it would absolutely be worth her talking to her doctor about things to help her cope with it. CBT can help to an extent I personally felt like I tried every version of it I could before it became too much for me to handle on my own and I was an absolute wreck when I saw my doctor. She put me on sertraline which helped my anxiety that caused my OCD all of it revolving around this really obnoxious phobia. I am not “all better” I’m not perfect but I’m OK and I handle things better than I used to and I don’t spend my days feeling a constant dread I experience life again I go out again and I can usually talk myself down when I start to feel panic about a situation revolving around throwing up. It’s not perfect it’s not gone but holy cow it’s a lot better than it ever used to be

25. She has emetophobia. I’ve suffered from emetophobia for almost 20 years, so I have a lot of experience with this. I am absolutely petrified if someone remotely near me even says their stomach is feeling off. It controls everything in my life, what I do, what I eat, and I barely sleep because I’m scared I’ll wake up vomiting. I have been in therapy for this for 10+ years, and am on meds for the anxiety it causes me. I really wish I could say it gets better but it never really does. Just know to her, anyone around her getting the stomach bug feels like the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to her. It feels like her world is crashing down around her and like she won’t be able to survive. Her body will be in a constant fight or flight mode until the perceived danger has past. Be as gentle and understanding as you can with her. Telling her that she has to deal with it will only drive her away from you and she’ll be too afraid to speak with you about it ever again. My dad was one of those who often said ‘it’s all in your head’ or ‘you just have to deal with it’ and now I no longer have a relationship with him. He constantly ridiculed, mocked me, and pressured me into facing my fears when I wasn’t ready and I cut him out of my life. Don’t be that person. I understand she has to take care of her kid to an extent, but don’t make her clean up any vomit or be at her kids side when they’re actively being sick. That will absolutely traumatize her and cause the emetophobia to be much worse.

26. Yea no she needs to get it together lol

27. JFC… I’m glad she isn’t a single mom! That poor child…

    I get she’s got a phobia she can’t control, she didn’t ask for but she also needs to push through that to do her most important job – be a mom.

    Yeah, she doesn’t and shouldn’t need to clean it but she needs to comfort her child. The fact that she’s letting this irrational fear control her to the point that she refuses to AT LEAST comfort her sick child is an issue that will come back to haunt her later unless she gets some professional help (more than just your run-of-the-mill psychologist).

    I hope she does, if not for herself then for her child and your sanity!

28. I hear what you are saying. I don’t doubt how frustrating it is. Your aren’t wrong. But I too am emetophobic. It’s an absolutely terrifying thing to deal with. I’m a single mom and panic nightly even if my son goes to the bathroom in the night. The fear never leaves. Any time he is/was ill I would eat practically nothing for a month. It’s absolutely traumatizing. It’s an actual debilitating fear. I can’t watch movies with any scenes of THAT. I stay far away from drunk people. I barely eat out. I’ll never eat fish. It’s amplified when people near me are sick, but in all honesty is always there in my mind. Excessive hand washing. It’s not something she can snap out of and get over because you say so, unfortunately. She will need therapy. Lots of it. I’m sorry you have to deal with it, but she’s not making it up or being dramatic. I’m not siding with her at all, I just understand because I am the same, but never had anyone else to be able to help me deal with it. I hope she can get over it, for all of your sakes! Edited typos

29. Your wife is being ridiculous and I wonder why she became a parent knowing that kids puke, poop, and blow snot everywhere.

30. If she is dealing with an actual phobia, yelling at her is probably not a viable solution.

31. Therapy

32. Put ipecac syrup in her coffee

33. She needs therapy to work through the trauma she has when it comes to throwing up.

    Unfortunately, throwing up is one of those icky parts of life that we all have to deal with. If her daughter is suffering because of it then she needs to choose recovery.

34. I tried anti panic/OCD medication (Anafranil] for my emetaphobia, which thankfully cured me without therapy.

    If it’s not something that goes away, just make sure that fear doesn’t rub off on your kid. Panicked parent can = panicked child. I have empathy for your wife as well – it’s an awful phobia – but if it doesn’t improve, the priority should be to ensure that your child doesn’t end up with that fear too.

35. TMI WARNING. I have a lot of stomach issues, when I start throwing up it is BAD and it HURTS. It’s bad to the point where I can’t breathe because there’s no gap. I feel like I’m going to die when it happens. But I wouldn’t avoid my child (if I had one) and I can completely understand why you would be frustrated though. I suggest seeing if she’ll go into therapy or something like it to reach the root of why she is so scarred.

36. Sounds like you felt with it properly. You said what needed to be said.

37. I have a *very* sensitive gag reflex- brushing my teeth makes me vomit. I understand thinking vomit is icky, but if she’s “petrified” she needs to gtfo the house and go hole up on her own until this blows over. If she’s not helping you or the kid, literally not touching her own child,she needs to get out of the way until it’s a nonissue. I may sound callous, but she’s doing more harm than good at the moment- I’m sure she’s a wonderful woman, but this is an absurd problem for someone with a child to have. There will be more of this in the future- wait until your kiddo goes to school. Wife is gonna have to get the therapy now, or otherwise start coming to terms with the concept of illness.

38. I thought you were supposed to be partners. Stop bashing your wife. She has one phobia. Hire a nurse or a nanny when needed and be a team.

39. I have the same issue but someone has to care for everyone and that is me. Regardless of how I feel l cover my eyes my nose and push thru. I really didn’t know it was a thing. I’m an adult. My fur baby was sick on Tuesday and I had little choice then to clean 🤢

40. As someone with emetophobia, you can’t understand until you suffer with it. Try to have compassion because it is something you can’t help mentally.

41. Give her a warm cloth and close the door

42. Not really advice, more so personal experience with something similar. I used to be deathly afraid of throwing up, like had panic attacks supressing car sickness and whatnot growing up, then i started drinking. I drank way to much for to many years, and between that and the panic attacks, i became sorta desensitized to it. Maybe that would be immersion therapy, but my experience isnt really a good or adviceable one. Just a thought that poped in my head upon reading this.

43. So how tf did she get through morning sickness during pregnancy? How’d you get through 4 years? What exactly is this therapist even doing twice a week? Are you sure she doesn’t have borderline personality disorder or some other PD? It’s frankly bizarre she’d both be in intensive biweekly treatment and not be working on this. CBT has been standard for almost 30 maybe 40 years, I can’t remotely believe it’s never even been mentioned if this fear was mentioned. And seriously, keep in mind posters in here are describing *irrational* phobias so take some of their projection and rationalization with a grain of salt. A narcissist is absolutely capable of this exact same behavior, phobias don’t usually just pop up suddenly, they’re invasive and debilitating usually from childhood and very very noticeable all the time, not something that would appear just bc of a stomach bug. It does not make sense, you need professional help.

    So something is going on here and this forum is inappropriate, particularly since it breaks the rules and involves treatment of a minor which is a banned topic. Consider asking your wife to leave until she feels safe and staying at a hotel so your daughters cognitive development isn’t put in jeopardy. She can’t caretake so you have to despite your condition and rejecting your daughter is absolutely abusive whether or not it’s intentional or compulsive. She needs to leave immediately “on vacation” bc uprooting your daughter from the familiar will only make the damage way worse. Mommy just needs to go on a trip while everyone gets better, she’s the problem and the adult, she needs to take responsibility for handling it.

44. I have what your wife has and it’s called emetophobia. It’s a severe form of anxiety and a true phobia, and it’s like trying to tell somebody to get over the fear of heights by leaning over the guard rail at the top of a skyscraper, or their fear of spiders by playing with a tarantula. It’s just not gonna happen like that. It is completely irrational, usually induces panic, and it’s not something you can just decide to get over even when presented with severe negative consequences. I’m looking my kids didn’t get sick very much, but usually it was my ex-husband who had to take care of them if they did, or my mom when she was visiting. I can’t tell you the incredible amount of guilt associated with the panic preventing me from caring for my own children. It is absolutely horrible. The panic is real and my choices when it comes to eating or not eating or directly affected by it. It’s things like, I don’t mind feeling hungry because it means that I’m not sick. When I travel abroad, I also don’t eat fast food because it’s much safer than eating local food. I would never eat street food in a million years. I obsessed about my kids using hand sanitizer and washing their hands so they don’t get sick, especially during stomach flu season. It’s a horrible phobia to have another affects almost everything you do. I just ask that you have a little bit of compassion and understanding because she is going through her own mental hell with it.