Throwaway account for obvious reasons…
Husband (29M) and I (27F) are expecting our first child. (We met in college 7 years ago, married 4 years ago and planned this pregnancy which is now 9 weeks along.) We were both thrilled at first but have been increasingly arguing over the past few weeks about my birth plan, or more accurately, how he wants me to give birth.
Specifically, he is demanding that, barring a life-threatening emergency, I have a natural birth (no epidural or other pain meds). At first my reaction was on the order of, “I’d like that too, but we both know I don’t have much of a pain tolerance so let’s at least leave options open, okay?” Let’s just say he did not like that AT ALL and kept arguing with me (calling me selfish and putting my own feelings and comfort above the baby’s) and then kept harping on it in the days afterwards.
About a week ago things came to a head and he told me that if I insist on using pain meds or other medical interventions when it isn’t a lifesaving situation, he will consider it child abuse and seek to have me declared an unfit parent with my parental rights terminated. In the space of that week I have gone from over the moon about the pregnancy to anxious, scared and, yes, angry. Instead of daydreaming about how to decorate the nursery I am looking up lawyers and wondering if I should think about a divorce. Or even if I should terminate – that thought is completely heartbreaking given how much I had wanted this baby but it feels like one of the few things I have control over at the moment. (His family is very wealthy and, while I have a good job, I do not have “wealth” and deep pockets and it would be hard for me to win the battle if he really wanted to go over full custody.)
Not looking for legal advice here (I will be seeking that elsewhere) but just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and would love some guidance on if there is any hope for reasoning with him. I am trying to keep in mind that he is probably coming from a good place of just wanting the best for the baby and is afraid of what could go wrong during my pregnancy and the birth but right now it just feels like he is being controlling, even abusive. (And no, he never, ever gave any signs of such behaviors before I got pregnant. He has previously always been sweet, supportive, kind, and an equal partner in all ways.)
INFO: I am safe at the moment, he actually went to stay with a buddy after our last fight a week ago and we have barely talked since then. He said he will come home when I “see reason” and agree to his terms for the birth.
TL;DR: I am pregnant and husband is demanding I have a natural birth with no pain meds or he will accuse me of child abuse and sue for full custody.
34 comments
Honestly, not to distress you even more when you’re already pregnant and dealing with this, but I think this relationship isn’t going to last. The fact he threatened you legally if you didn’t “see reason”, and the fact he’s staying somewhere else as a hold out until you “come to your senses” is BS. That’s not what a loving partner does. Also, he could have had this discussion before you even got pregnant. Feels like a douche move to do this after you got pregnant.
You can have a difference of opinion on this and he’s said his piece. Too bad for him because it’s YOUR body. NO cisman will ever understand the pain of childbirth, even with an epidural. So screw him!
Your husband sounds abusive. And good luck to him suing you for custody on grounds of child abuse for wanting pain medication during childbirth.
I’ve never been pregnant but you’re the one giving birth and you get to decide how that happens. The doctors administering the drugs wouldn’t be allowed to give them if they were harmful in any way to the baby.
He’s abusing you.
As sad as it is to say. This behaviour is alarming and bullshit. Leave this man
What country are u in? Pretty sure NO COURT will grant him ability to DENY you of parental rights because u want pain meds during delivery. I would call him on his bluff
I even topped up my epidural 3 x
When your husband is the one giving birth, then and only then does he get to make decisions. This is your body and no one should be forced to go through a painful birth at the hands of their spouse. If you feel you want/need the meds, take them. They are safe for birth. I’d rather take pain meds/epidural than an overly stressful birth experience that could result in complications. Your husband needs to realise that he doesn’t get a say in this, you are the one giving birth. This is gross manipulation on his part. He’s showing you his true colours, believe him. He’s toxic. Just remember you are the only one that gets a say in how the birth goes and who’s there for it. Choose what is best for YOU. I really wish you the best of luck, I’m so sorry you are dealing with someone who has no care for your bodily autonomy.
It’s your body, your choice.
Him demanding you don’t get an epidural is just insane. Then claiming he claim you unfit; he is the crazy one.
Do you want to deal with this for 18 years?
Yeah, this is really scary and controlling. This is only the beginning too. Will he be just as controlling when you can’t breastfeed or your kid gets hurt because you looked away? Would couples counseling be an option? I’m sorry he took away some of the joys of pregnancy for you!!
Hooo boy. This is a mess, I’m so sorry that your husband is only revealing now that he does not respect you as a person or your right to make decisions about your own body. But honestly, I’d at least separate. You don’t have to terminate if you feel comfortable raising a child alone. But I wouldn’t want a man like this around my own kid. The good news is, he’s batshit insane and no medical professional worth their salt will back up his assertion that you’re an unfit parent based on you having totally normal and safe pain interventions during childbirth under medical supervision. Legally and medically this asshole doesn’t have a leg to stand on. If I were you I would also start documenting and recording anything he says about this, especially anything regarding his intention to have you declared an unfit parent – you may need to be able to prove in court down the track that he’s doing so maliciously and not in the child’s best interest.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Many men do not reveal their abusive side until their partner is pregnant or has given birth. If you don’t want to go straight to divorce, I would put it on the table and tell him that’s exactly what you’ll be doing unless he agrees to go to a counsellor of your choice and accompany you to all prenatal visits so that he can hear first hand from medical professionals that what he is demanding is unreasonable. Perhaps external third parties will be able to help HIM see reason, because it’s clear he isn’t going to respect your opinion on this (which is disgusting in and of itself).
>he told me that if I insist on using pain meds or other medical interventions when it isn’t a lifesaving situation, he will consider it child abuse and seek to have me declared an unfit parent with my parental rights terminated.
Didn’t know people can just make up their own laws out of thin air like that. What is this the playground full of empty insults and threats?
I think he is kind of being very selfish and intolerant. And you are right he is being pretty controlling and abusive. You are the one pregnant and dealing with all the physiological and mental discomfort. It just sounds very hypocritical that if he was in your shoes then he would suddenly be ok with medical intervention. It is kind of just very egotistical to be demanding of others to do something when they themselves aren’t putting their own body on the line.
You are the one giving birth not him, why does he think he has a say on whether you can have pain medication or not???
It’s your decision ALONE to make.
He’s abusive, controlling and manipulative and I’m scared to think what else he may do
This is just horrible. OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Ultimately it is YOUR BODY and therefore YOUR CHOICE how you will give birth. Your husband doesn’t have to suffer through child birth so he should have no say in whether you choose to have an epidural and be medicated for pain. I’m not an L&D nurse but I am an RN, and though child birth can lead to complications despite modern medical advancement, there is a REASON pain medication exists. Nobody should be denied pain relief when they are in dire need of it.
Your husband is threatening you. He’s using his perceived financial power to attempt to exert control over you. This is ABUSE. As I said previously it is your body and your choice what to do with your pregnancy, but if I were in your position, I would be seriously considering a termination. While your husband’s complaints are not grounds to have you “declared an unfit mother” or whatever other nonsense he is spouting, he CAN make your life legal hell with a lengthy divorce proceeding and custody battle. Please be safe, and tread carefully. Wishing you all the positivity.
Wow. So he’s an abusive narcissist, masquerading as enlightened, piece of shit. Do not raise your children with this person is my advice. Sorry to be harsh. This is bad and a sign of things to come. Whether or not modern medicine is the absolute “best” for childbirth, many many many many women give birth with modern assistance to healthy children who live long fulfilling lives. And besides, he’s not the one who has to give birth. Not to put too fine a point on it but, what an absolute piece of shit.
Jesus what a piece of shit.
Please leave this man in a safe manner.
Your husband is complete trash.
He’s told you everything you need to know about him. He doesn’t consider you an equal partner.
I would suggest running for the hills but if you want to try and make it work, perhaps marriage counseling?
I’m so sorry. Not only is he absolutely nuts, he won’t be a good dad. Either spoiling your child into being an asshole, too, or mistreating them any time they tey to deviate from his “plan”.
This is not ok, you are completely entitled to pain relief and it will not harm the baby. I’m majorly concerned that he is being so controlling. I’d take legal advice at this point.
So sorry to say butI think you should terminate this pregnancy.
He is abusive and controlling now but wait till you don’t do what he wants you to do with the child later in life him and his parents and their money will try to take away your child away from you.
‘I just wouldn’t trust him. Leave him also.
First of all that’s not a thing. He can’t get you deemed unfit for this. Also you are the one delivering the baby, so you get to choose. If he’s so adamant don’t let him in the delivery room.
If it were me, I’d be getting an abortion.
Please do seek legal advise. Things will only get worse.
If he has a health power of attorney, revoke it. You alone get to decide your treatment. You cannot trust him to have your interests in mind.
If you have family you trust to have a PoA, make one for them for the birth.
Okay, so re: your info. Do not ever ‘see sense’! What the actual fuck? I didn’t realise men had this kind of opinion, but there we go. It’s a medical procedure as a result of your bones moving for 9 months. He can eat a raw bag of roadkill if he thinks he has that much agency over you and your body, ESPECIALLY during pregnancy. What would I do? Spam him with birthing videos, stats, just a whole barrage of information. Is that unfair? Maybe, but so is being forced to endure one of the most painful natural experiences in the world without any kind of pain relief. We are not in the Middle Ages, he doesn’t need to be so barbaric. Take a fucking aspirin when pushing it out, I don’t care, you deserve to be comfortable. Denying your comfort is far far closer to child abuse than you wanting pain medication.
If he’s denying YOU medical help now, what’s going to happen when you have a kid? If they fall and break an arm, what kind of response will they be met with?
It’s not child abuse. He will be laughed at for trying it.
Tell him when he gives birth, he can do it whatever way he wants.
Please leave him. He doesn’t respect you at all.
Edit: the pregnancy is only 9 weeks? Terminate now while you still have time!
As heartbreaking as it might be I would terminate and file for divorce immediately, especially with his threatening you and the high probability of him winning a custody battle. All he did was orgasm, that does not give him a right to dictate how you choose to give birth to the baby that you grew for 9 months. Run and don’t look back.
Lots of abuse starts when a woman becomes pregnant.
He’s a completely controlling jerk.
There’s zero way he can declare you a danger because of your preferred birth plan.
To be honest, however, I think id choose to go on a “camping trip” because of this. I wouldn’t want to be tied to him for the rest of my life.
Get out. Be safe.
There is no coming back from that threat. The relationship is over. Could you ever really forgive him for threatening; to have you declared unfit? I’m not sure I would continue the pregnancy. Every time you don’t do what he wants, he will threaten to take the child away from you.
Are you sure you WANT to have a child with this man?
He has no respect for you. And if you continue this pregnancy, even if you divorce, you will be tied to this man for the rest of your life.
You have some big decisions to make. And you need to make them on your own. Keep him away from you while you figure out what you want to do with your life.
And make sure that this pregnancy is something you want, even if you’re by yourself. Because you can’t even trust your partner to put you first.
What are you going to do if he starts denying vaccines for the kid? What about if your kid has ADHD or similar and needs to take meds?
It’s not the fact that he expressed that he’d prefer you didn’t get an epidural but it’s the aftermath. Straight up abusive behavior. Refusing to listen to experts. Refusing to even have a conversation. Withholding himself from you until you do what he wants? That’s abusive.
You’re early. I’d divorce him and seriously consider termination. You will be attempting to coparent (married or not) with a man that simply will not compromise or listen to anyone…professional or not. Do YOU want to do this for 18 years? Do you want to subject a child to that?
There’s a show called unexpected (basically the new 16 and pregnant) where one of the dads is like this. He made himself look like a complete abusive dumbass on TV. Maybe make you husband watch that and say…sound like anyone we know? F your husband
Have you seen those TLC episodes of that pregnant teenager whose boyfriend demanded she not receive an epidural while she was in labour and the medical staff told him in so many words that he was an asshole and that he didn’t know what he was talking about?
This is the same situation. Your husband is abusive. Terminate and divorce.
When I was pregnant with my first my husband was forcing me against taking the medicine prescribed by my ob because he believed it was harmful,he had forbid me from getting my vaccines, he also tried to prevent me from having my second ultrasound and only allowed it be a “short one”, he didn’t let me to have my 3rd ultrasound all because “it is harmful for our baby”, he didn’t give a shit about what I wanted or the risks he was putting me into. At that time just like you at the moment, I was in denial I was refusing to see those actions as abusive and controlling. I just thought that if someone would explain it to him he would understand.
Now 4 years later he calls me names on nearly the daily basis, he controls what doctors I see and forbids me from taking the kids to the practioner I deem fit, he doesn’t allow me to vaccinate them, for a long time he was preventing me from placing them in the daycare, he doesn’t allow me to take care of my health the way I want it. He’s financially, emotionally and possibly physically abusing me . And it’s a nightmare
I really hope that in your situation he truly just ” doesn’t understand it” but if it’s not the case then I’m sorry to say but things will just get worse and worse. You can also always call your local domestic violence hotline to get a professional to help you to clear those things up or even just to hear their opinion on the situation. Now regarding abortion you absolutely don’t have to do that just because he’s a douche but the decision is always on you. I hope you will find the way out of that situation
There has to be more to this than just this…I’m guessing he doesn’t really want the baby anymore or to be married to you. I mean why else would he simply go off the deep end making these threats out of no where. Either way, I don’t think I’d go thru with the pregnancy. I don’t even want to think about what a crap show your life would be for basically the rest of your life dealing with this tool!
Terminate the pregnancy. Then terminate the marriage.
I was in a similar situation. I terminated and broke up with him because there’s no winning with someone like that. I’m now married with my 3rd baby on the way and have full body autonomy