I started dating about a year ago after a 15 year relationship that ended due to my spouse cheating and haven’t dated anyone more than a month. I’m decent looking enough, have had probably 20 first dates in the last year, have hooked up and made friends with people I don’t see long term potential with, but just can’t pace myself when I find someone I really like. I’ve looked into attachment styles and it seems like I alternate between anxious attachment and avoidance, and haven’t dated anyone who seems stable. I’ll want to get close to someone quickly, then get scared when we do get close. I think I’m afraid of being hurt again. However, with some of the friends I’ve made that I didn’t feel an instant connection with, some have developed feelings toward me and I have developed feelings toward some of them. In the only 2 serious relationships I ever had before I was friends with both of them first for about 6 months.
I’m starting to wonder if I’m just bad at dating or not really in a healthy place for it? I would love to be in a relationship, but should I just slow down and try to meet people and get to know them without trying to make out with them within the first few times we hang out? It doesn’t seem like that’s the normal way to date in the age of online dating, but it’s what worked for me before. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person and need to keep doing what I’m doing until it works? Can anyone else relate and offer some insight?
15 comments
It really doesn’t sound like you are ready for a relationship, and are just using dating to fill an empty void in your life.
Similar background as you. I wad doing the same thing until I met someone cool. Took things really slow. She grew on me and I like her more and more every month. Time is on your side man. Have you met anyone half way sane who you kinda clicked with? Give her an honest to goodness chance. Maybe it just takes guys like us time to fall in love.
Good luck man
You mention 20 first dates. But how many second or thirds?
You might be giving off some red flags you aren’t aware of.
Psychology says it takes a minimum of 2 years to get over a significant breakup. If you’re already making friends and hooking up, you’re ahead of schedule.
I was with my ex for 11.5 years and it ended pretty badly (no cheating). I did try to date within a year of us splitting up, during the summer covid started and looking back I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. It wasn’t until about 2 ish years post-separation, about 6 months ago that I started to figure out what I need and want and emotionally healed enough to go for it. Even now, I cannot date intense people. I need the relationship to start off light, fun, and slowly. Too fast and too intense stresses me out.
I wouldn’t pathologize this. It takes time to heal from a traumatic or messy divorce/breakup and from such a long relationship. You figure out what you need and want through trial and error. And it’s not allll about attachment styles. Some of my behavior in my first serious relationship since the divorce was due to trauma. And getting cheated on by someone you were with for 15 years is effing traumatic.
There’s also an in between casual and serious/life partner. I just want a healthy relationship. Whether it lasts 6 months or a lifetime, that’s what i’m after. It takes the pressure off me.
I say, keep dating, keep exploring and just be honest. If you meet someone who you know wants to get married ASAP and you’re no longer feeling it, let them know so they can find their person.
I think the attachment style you’re describing for yourself is fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment.
That said, it wouldn’t hurt to slow it down. The healthiest, most sustainable relationships often start off with a slow burn method. Obviously there should be some momentum and build up but no need to be making out first date.
I am not sure where I heard this but it takes 1/2 the time to get over a relationship. Example: 6 year loving relationship is 3 years recovery and growth.
I’m 32, 5 years post divorce from an 8 year relationship. I’m dating and having fun.
I’m just hooking up because I’m f*cking horny. I’m definitely not ready for a relationship. 2.5 years since leaving my ex-husband and a 17 months since my divorce was finalized. I’m never getting married again and I’m not sure I ever want to be in a monogamous relationship again. I’ve never been in a healthy relationship and I have no idea what I want for sure. I’m learning what I won’t put up with though.
Damn, OK let’s talk about this. I do the same thing! As soon as I like someone, I’m like nope, goodbye.
It’s pretty horrible and making me realize I need to amp up my therapy. I feel especially bad for the guy I’m dating right now. He’s getting the worst end of it.
No fucking around till you are in a serious relationship. Make them wait if u want to find something to gd.
It does take time. I’m 18 months post separation after my narc ex cheated. I’d checked out of the marriage before that but the trauma and pain are still there. I’m like you in that I’m fine casually but don’t really get past two dates. But that’s my choice as I realise.im just not interested.
Something worth looking at is why you’re dating. Are you filling a void, or are you definitely ready to move on? Dating because you’re filling a void or you just don’t want to be alone needs to be addressed. It’s normal to do this, but you won’t find something long term.
For the last 6 months, I came off the dating sites and focused on just me. I find what makes me happy, and how I like to spend my free time. I’ve taken old hobbies back up and just go to the library or a coffee shop alone to get a change of pace. I’ve found I’m more at peace alone, which is helping my healing process. It’s something a friend who was also cheated on suggested I do. Maybe in a few months I’ll be interested in dating again and look for something long term.
As a society, we do tend to fear alone time. There’s this stigma around being single. There’s actually nothing wrong with just taking time for ourselves, healing, and then really thinking what we need or want in life.
Not being ugly- have you been to therapy? You’ve been through something traumatic and it’s pretty obvious you aren’t ready for real attachment. Why not go process that with a professional opposed to a bunch of randos on the internet who are probably just going to trauma dump on you about their divorces?
I’m going to sit in the back and wait for the correct answer. I’m also 37, a few years post divorce, decent enough looking and no problem chatting ppl up. have not dated since my divorce and am anxious and avoidant
Hey. First of all, you are not the only one in this boat, there are many others like you out there. People are struggling to date, to build a relationship. Dating apps have made connecting with people easy but also made dating (relationships) hard.
Don’t be hard on yourself. Like anything else dating is a process. you will soon find your feet where you stand in this game. If hooking up bothers you then don’t do it and take it slow. There are no right answers to this. Have faith, do the right things and be yourself. Soon enough you will find someone. Good luck.
Have you tried talking to a professional about your attachment style and where it comes from and strategies to use?