Background: I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, we both are in our 30s, previously divorced, fell in love fast and knew what we wanted in our next relationship and moved quickly. Bought a house together after a year and I got pregnant a few months after that. Neither were particularly interested in marriage again and were happy with the commitment of buying a home/having a family without marriage. Before anyone comments on it being a bad idea to buy a home with someone outside of marriage, we contribute 50/50 and already had a legal contract written with our real estate lawyer upon closing on our home should a split happen in the future. He had issues with excessive drinking and cheating in his past relationships and marriage but was upfront with me when we met about his issues and how he addressed them through therapy.
Fast forward to now, we’ve been living in our home for a year and I am 8.5 months pregnant with our son who was conceived intentionally. I thought we were in a very healthy and stable relationship and we have always had (what I thought was) open communication and trust. One issue has been my disapproval of his drinking because he has had so many issues in the past with it, and I thought he stopped early in my pregnancy.
Last week, I got a screen shot from my sister of a woman who was looking for me and asking me to text or call her because she had some information I would want to know. I googled the number and a familiar name comes up- my boyfriends coworker who I have met twice in passing and never thought twice about. I confronted him as to why she would be contacting me and within a minute he breaks down and says “she trapped me” over and over and tells me his version: he slept with her twice last fall during a time he was drinking a lot socially with friends and downplaying his drinking to me. She was a coworker who had a crush on him and they were friendly, she asked him to come over while he was out drunk, he stopped by on his way home from a night out and she was all over him and they slept together before he came home to me. This happened once in late October and once in late November. Keep in mind we were trying to conceive in October and I found out I was pregnant in early November. She told him she was pregnant in January and he told her he would not have anything to do with her aside from child support if she chose to keep it. Also keep in mind she knew we were together, had met me twice before they slept together and knew I was pregnant by the time she shared her news with him. He claims he had no contact with her since January (they have opposite schedules at work) and that he asked her not to reach out to me because he wanted me to hear the news first. She threatened to find me, my family, and his family and had actually been successful in contacting his family. He claims that he was going to tell me after our child was born, because I’ve had so much anxiety this pregnancy already and didn’t want the stress to cause health issues. I asked for texts/DMs between them but he of course had deleted them months ago so I wouldn’t discover his secret through them.
In my shock in the moments of him telling me all this, I texted the woman, which I regret. Her story is obviously very different- that he diminished the seriousness of our relationship, saying we were “on and off” and that they had a “fling” not just drunken sex a couple times. I asked if she had screen shots to show me when they were together or demonstrate his lies that he hadn’t already confessed, and she sent me one very pieced together message with no date or time stamp that didn’t really support her claims. She said she wouldn’t send me any other screen shots unless we met in person, which I have no interest in doing. I asked her what her motive was for contacting me and she seemed all over the place- my interpretation was that she wanting to shit on my boyfriend and make me as miserable as her- I got the impression that she didn’t get her way with him being involved with her after discovering he was pregnant, so everyone involved should be miserable- not that I wouldn’t be miserable hearing this news anyway.
I am obviously shocked and devastated at this news, thinking I was in a happy relationship when meanwhile my boyfriend was hiding this huge secret for months. The layers of deception are truly killing me, and not knowing what to believe is torture. But the fact is, he cheated, likely got her pregnant (he has a lawyer already and is doing a dna test when her baby is born), went to great lengths to hide said cheating and pregnancy from me, then confessed when he knew he had no other choice, I’m due with his child in 6 weeks and she is due with his child in 3 months. He has fully taken blame for what happened, seems incredibly remorseful, and come up with steps to attempt to rebuilt trust so that we can try to have a shot at being a family unit (to start, aa meetings/staying sober, going back to therapy, couples therapy for us). If he had just cheated I could see these changes being an option but having another woman pregnant (and a woman who seems unstable and conniving at that) brings a whole other depth of issues to work through.
I have no idea what to do. I felt overwhelmed with becoming a first time parent before finding this news out, and now my anxiety and stress and overall sadness is off the charts. I feel so many opposing emotions- I love my boyfriend but am so angry he put me in this situation. I feel that I owe my unborn son a shot at having a two parent household, but also can’t imagine sticking around and letting my boyfriend get away with such a huge betrayal. I also have no idea if I feel more willing to work on things right now because I am feeling more vulnerable at this point in my pregnancy or I will change my mind after birth. I know I have a lot of soul searching to do and feel like this is more of a venting post, but just want to hear if anyone had been in a similar situation, any thoughts/advice at all on managing this really awful situation.
EDIT: I want to clarify that I do 100% blame my boyfriend for this entire mess. It was entirely his doing and the other woman owed/owes me nothing. I can’t trust his version of the story after he lied to me for months. However, I also don’t trust a woman who involved herself with someone she very clearly knew was in a relationship. I got a bad feeling from the way she was communicating with me. It wasn’t a- hey I’m sorry this happened, woman-supporting-women in a shitty situation type conversation. It seemed very attention and drama seeking on her part and when I said I didn’t feel comfortable meeting in person without her at least sending me time stamped/dated screen shots that showed when they met up or any context of their fling, she refused and turned hostile and mean. I never blamed her for anything in our text conversation and was quite cordial to her considering what I had just found out.
37 comments
You knew he was an alcoholic and a cheaters. He is still an alcoholic and a cheater. He will continue to be an alcoholic and cheater. If he was unhappy or stressed or whatever , a kid (mind you, two kids), will only make all these issues worse. Cheaters will always be cheaters.
I see you demonizing this woman, but realistically you don’t know how much he lied to her as he clearly has no problems cheating and lying to you as well. She may have believed they were in a relationship, this wasn’t some drunk mistake. Moreover, he endangered your health and your baby’s health by not even bothering to wrap it.
This guy will do this again. If you are ok getting HIV or Chlamydia and having your kid grow up in a household full or lying and resentment, go all ahead. Also what kind of a father just abandons that other poor baby just like that? She didn’t “trap him” , you are delusional if you think this was her evil plan and not your bf being an asshole and going in raw and being completely careless.
At the very least I’d separate for a while, therapy on your own, and then make your decision after thinking about it further. I’d also meet the woman in a safe public place accompanied by a close one of your friends to hear her out. She might give you all the info you need to make s decision. At the end it’s your kids sibling, so at least try to have a cordial relationship if she turns out to just be another woman who was lied and betrayed.
Sorry you are going through this. So many major red flags here. Nothing about this says this guy is worth staying. Children deserve any number of happy, healthy parents. Don’t stay for the fantasy image of a “two parent household.” It won’t work out and you’ll just be miserable.
Yeah this does just seem like venting.
She does seem like a crazy, manipulative woman. But he’s still a cheat.
Only you can decide if you think this is something you can recover from as a couple, and if it’s something you even want to do.
Personally, I think that’s a long time he lied to you with a straight face. He never caved to the guilt and told you. He got found out. How much more could someone like that hide from you? And for how long?
He seems like a dishonest weasel of a dude to try and blame drinking and the girl for having sex with her and as for the girl she knew you guys were together and didn’t have no issue when it was just sex.
He will be a terrible role model for your child, if you want your son to grow into a decent man you need to have a conversation with yourself and ask yourself what’s best for you and what’s best for your son.
They both made adult decision and they need to deal with adult consequences.
You and her should try to be friends. You’re each having your child’s sibling. Throw him away and make her your new best friend. You’re going to need each other.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this, I can’t imagine how devastating it can be while close to having your baby. I think that no matter what you choose to do, if you have a good relationship with your family you should stay with them so they can get you the relaxing and calm environment you deserve during these last weeks of pregnancy. Take your time to reflect, and also: you don’t owe your child a two parent household. It’s not like you would be leaving him over an unwashed plate, you have a very good enough reason to break up. A child thrives in a happy home, whether that means an happy couple or a happy single parent.
I would leave, even though it feels like it can’t get any worse it really can. Your still young get an STD test and go settle down with someone else. It’s not the womens fault your boyfriend cheated he owed you loyalty she didn’t. Even if you forgive him now plenty of women will sleep with men in relationships he won’t have trouble finding another girl to sleep with . You don’t know what happened I would meet up with her and be calm have her explain her side of the story . Your children have the same father eventually your son might want to reach out to his half sibling. With stuff like ancestry DNA this will be hard to hide forever.
This is a man who cheated on you, lied to you, and was perfectly happy with abandoning one of his children. Is that really who you want to waste your life with?
Tell him to have a long, happy, healthy life–with someone else. Then have the same–with someone else.
Better to have a single parent than two with one being a cheater who is also an alcoholic.
Good luck to you and the about-to-be!
I feel so terrible for those kids that haven’t been born. Sounds like a future loser dad
He was apparently hiding a lot from you. Unfortunately, people like him don’t get better, they get better at hiding their misdeeds.
I would believe neither of their stories. He cheated twice, so it wasn’t just a fling. Her evidence didn’t add up.
You should break up with him and raise your child on your own. It would be better for the child as well. The child doesn’t deserve to have an alcoholic, cheating person for a father.
I’m so sorry you are going through this, but to be honest, you are putting a lot of blame on the other woman when it was your boyfriend who betrayed you. She does not owe you anything as far as being faithful. He owed that to you. He’s lied, betrayed you at a very vulnerable time and only came clean when she threatened to tell you and his family. You seem to believe everything he is telling you, even though he has just proven to you that he does not deserve your trust. She wants to meet with you, why not take her up on that? Take your sister or a friend with you. Just to hear her out. I’d want to know exactly what she has to say. Of course he doesn’t want you to meet up because she may have proof of all the lies and betrayal from him. She didn’t trap him, he willingly went to her and from his (likely trickly truth) had at least two sexual encounters with her that he is willing to admit to. Also, you already know he is a cheater in previous relationships. I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s not fair to you or the children involved but I’d seriously consider leaving him. Focus on your health and your baby.
Break up with him for at least a year. You owe it to yourself and you baby to create a safe, stable environment. He isn’t safe nor stable. If you really think about what is best for your baby, it is an environment where you and he are happy. You’re not going to be happy with the boyfriend for a long time given this huge betrayal, so just let him go, at least for a while. I encourage you to leave him premenantly, but right now it might be easier for you to imagine breaking up with him just for a year.
Yeah, so she tricked him *twice* and she’s just making it all up to trick you into leaving the trashy alcoholic that cheats on all his wives/girlfriends? Does this really seem reasonable to you? Do you really think he’s a prize you’re competing with her for? Whoever wins him is the actual loser in this scenario. Imagine your child coming to you with all of this someday when they’re grown up – what would you tell them? That they’re worth more than this? That they deserve better? Tell yourself that.
I am very sorry, but I don’t have any current advice for you. Any advice I could manage to squeeze out of my mouth would have been pre the conception of your baby with an alcoholic cheater. Good luck. I think you’re going to need it.
PS Have some self respect and do not have sex with this a-hole ever again.
I know you REALY want to believe him, don’t, he’s likely not telling the truth. Get a lawyer And file.
By the way, don’t put off the decision until after the birth – then, your body will be flooded with oxytocin, the bonding hormone. It doesn’t just work on your baby bonding, it works on other relationships, too – you will never break up with him while high on oxytocin.
Source: my best friend, who stayed with her choleric a-hole husband until the last oxytocin had finally left her body, 7 years after the birth of her second child. 🙈
RUN!!! A deceptive man like this will only get worse. And it will be more difficult for you to leave once the baby is here. Go with a family member, friend,-just get out and don’t look back!
Firstly, I just want to say I’m really sorry but I also want to let you know that you’re not in denial or wrong for being suspicious of the woman too.
I had an ex cheat on me. The girl he cheated on me with contacted me and tried to befriend me, claiming she had no idea we were together. After kicking him out, blocking him on everything I get a Snapchat account add me. It was my ex and was saying things like “I always wanted her instead of you. I chose you but I was wrong.” The whole thing was weird, and childish. As it transpires, it was her who made the fake account and was saying all those things pretending to be my ex and her friend admitted it to me.
What I learned is that some women will stop at nothing to tear another woman down and if they lose a upper hand, they tend to do real messed up shit. It’s very possible that half of her version of events are true but also half of his.
Id suggest to stop seeking closure from her, and stop seeking closure from him. Neither of them are very trustworthy.
Regardless, you know the basics. A sexual relationship happened between them and she got pregnant. Still sensible to have the DNA test lined up, just in case.
Now the next step would be some time apart from your boyfriend to process everything. Weighing up what you truly want from this relationship. It’s entirely possible for relationships to survive infidelity but it takes a lot of work.
Also, to undo any stigma you have around splitting and co parenting. It’s much healthier for children to be born into those environments than get older and then experience it happen.
Your mental health and genuine wants matter now more than ever.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and let you come to your conclusions instantly but it takes time. What I do know though is once your gut tells you what to do, everything will become a lot easier.
Best of luck 💕
I think you need to get away for the rest of your pregnancy,if you can, and try to focus on your pregnancy. This stress is not good for you or the baby. His shit will still be there unfortunately.
this dude is not going to change..hes just going to start wearing a condom lol
Growing up with an alcoholic parent is a way more damaging adverse childhood experience than growing up in a single parent household
Nah, I stopped reading after “She trapped me,” no she didn’t, boy bye.
100% he will continue to cheat. There is zero doubt about that. So, there you go. If you make decisions based on the delusion that he has changed and wont cheat anymore, those decision will be extremely misinformed.
He says he will have nothing with his other child except for child support.
What kind of a man abandons a child like that? What does this say about his character? Sure he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he does the right thing by his child his AP remains in your life for 18 years. If he has nothing to do with the child he’s morally reprehensible.
And at some point your child will learn they have a step-sibling. How will they feel abut having a sibling hidden from them.
I don’t have a great solution. It sucks all around.
You may want to post in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity for more advice. (Reconciliation sub)
Girl leave his ass and file for child support as soon as your baby is born, whichever mother filed first gets more monetary support than anyone after them.
>I feel that I owe my unborn son a shot at having a two parent household
That only works if both parents are 100% into whatever relationship they agree upon and both are stable people already. He is clearly not into this relationship and happily cheats. He, again, is also an unstable person.
So what are you going to do when a couple months later his other child is born? What are you going to do when his finances take a hit because he’ll be paying child support for his second child since that child doesn’t live with him? Depending on where y’all live whoever petitions for child support first gets the biggest percentage of child support and the following baby moms get a lot less. If y’all break up and one of y’all moves out later then you won’t get much. If y’all stay together would you ever be ok with him bringing his child around? It’s 50% his home and as the father it’s his right to bring his child to his home.
Frankly the writing was on the wall with this guy and you ignored all the flags.
Why are you stressing over the little details? He knocked up his coworker, lies, and has a drinking problem. And those are just the things you know about so far. Should have asked for advice before “moving quickly” and getting pregnant by him, but too late now.
This is who he is. An alcoholic. A cheater. He isn’t going to change. Your life with him isn’t going to get better.
Time to focus on your child and yourself. Lawyer up and tell your family or friends what is happening. You’ll need them for support. He lied to you, betrayed you and has a drinking problem. The man can’t be trusted. The lawyer is needed to make sure that contract for the house is enforced and so you can file for custody and child support. You can get counseling but remember this is not only suppose to be one of the happiest experiences of your life being pregnant but also one of your most vulnerable. He took advantage of your vulnerability. You can co-parent without being a couple.
In your 30’s with a self proclaimed alcoholic cheater. You decided this was a good partner to procreate and buy a house with. You text the other woman and then question her motive for contacting you. Your boyfriend then consoles you by being a deadbeat non-present father to the other child.
You haven’t learned anything. He will do to you exactly what he does to other women. This is the man you want to keep around.
This is exactly why you don’t play marriage without an actual marriage. Harsh but it is true. Anyways, please kick that man out.
Not to kick you when you’re down, but the way you’re trying to excuse your bf hard in your original post doesn’t make me think you approached her entirely neutral. This post is after the fact and until your edit I thought you were obviously on your bfs side of this.
As for her having a chip on her shoulder – if he lied to her and said he wasn’t in a relationship with you of course she’s mad at him! Why aren’t you more mad at him?
BTW kid due 3 months after you doesn’t line up to what he’s telling you unless you were already 3 months when you found out.
Also he just accidentally only had sex with her twice a month apart? I have a bridge to sell you on Brooklyn.
My advice – get a lawyer and have them file for child support as soon as you give birth. Start considering your options with the house and sell it sooner rather than after prices drop.
Oh and objectively? Your bf seems way more conniving (he already got a lawyer before you found out!) and unstable (hello alcoholic who plans to conceive with his gf while actively fucking someone else all while planning to be an absentee dad to at least one kid he created) then this woman does.
Damn. What a horrible mess. Unfortunately, this is all your boyfriend’s doing and he needs to be served with child support papers.
He is not worthy to be your partner anymore. He will find a way to keep disappointing you and you don’t need ongoing stress.
I’m sorry that you trusted him and he failed you miserably. I guess you ignored all the red flags that kept cropping up.
You owe your unborn son a chance at not having an cheating, lying alcoholic in your house.
You will find better ! Letting her have him will be his karma tenfold lmao trust me you and your son will be better off without that dirty pos ! Sell the house then take your half and leave ! File for child support and only contact him through the courts and visitation center when you need to trade off (but if he’s a drunk idk if you’ll want the baby around him overnights alone )
Leave and file for child support first, whoever files first gets the most!!